Classic Poem

(i)

His speculation he regretted,
And thus Bob Sowden fumed and fretted:

" I was bewitched to build a house!
Better in Thames my cash to souse:
Up to my knees in brick and mortar,
And work myself like any porter!
My builder charge at such a rate
Above his given estimate!
'Twas first, " Good sir, I'll never dun ye " ;
And now 'tis — " Zounds, I'll have my money! "
" Without a tenant while it stands,
My house is thrown upon my hands;
'Tis true, 'tis not completely finished,
My cash must not be more diminished:
I can't sell out till stocks are rising,
Then so much spent in advertising!

" From breakfast, dinner, called to show it,
I shall go crazy! yes, I know it:
Obliged to keep an open door,
For folks I never saw before.
And then I'm forced to tell such lies,
In time I shall myself despise;
For those I do not care a damn,
I smile and cringe with " Sir " and " Ma'am. " "

Some strangers call by fours and pairs,
Bob leads them up and down the stairs.

" Look, sir! the prospect is so fine,
The Surrey hills — they're quite divine!
Then, ma'am, to make your garden gay,
Some laurestinas here, and bay." —

" But who's to find this bay and laurel?" —
" For that, dear sir, we shall not quarrel.
Although the yard may yet want pitching —
Pray, ma'am, admire this pretty kitchen.
Here, sir, I mean to sink a well,
And at the gate I'll hang a bell;
Your larder here, so sweet and cool,
And five yards square is by my rule.

" A handsome dining-parlour, sir;
Nice shade from those two rows of fir:
Round here I mean to plant some box; —
See, ma'am, the doors have all brass locks.
A smartish marble I'll put round
This chimney-piece, that I'll be bound.
And then the chimneys do not smoke:
I bought some pots — but they were broke;
Though, should they smoke, I'll take no rent,
My wish is but to give content.
Just point out any alteration,
And all shall suit your inclination.

" Our taxes here are wond'rous light;
Although the attics now are white,
I mean to paper them, — ma'am, you
May choose your pattern, red or blue;
For naked walls keep seldom clean,
And look so beggarly and mean.

" As for the rent, 'tis but a song;
To lose this house, ma'am, you'll be wrong.
For applications I have twenty;
In choice of tenants I am dainty,
But, sir, to you I give the preference,
Your countenance is perfect reference. —

" Just say the word — down comes the bill,
And take possession when you will;
And as for warning, not a whit,
Just when it suits you, you may quit;
It won't stand empty, not a minute,
You'll be quite comfortable in it!
Send in your goods, and take no care,
I'll order fires the rooms to air."

(ii)

I Have a Tenant!

" My house is let, my heart be gay,
And only look to Quarter Day!
I've nothing now my hopes to damp,
I take my rent, and sign the stamp.
Who that shall furnish, they or I,
Next Michaelmas, aye, that we'll try.

" What do they say? the chimneys smoke!
Pho, pho, my dear, that's all a joke!"

" They say this nuisance must be cured,
So horrid, cannot be endured.
They cannot light the parlour fire,
Unless you raise the chimney higher,
And put a cow upon the top:
They think this may the grievance stop,
But now they are or froze or smothered."

" Tell them, at once, I'll not be bothered."

" My dear, they heavily complain
The house lets in both wind and rain!
With chinks in wall, and cracks in roof,
'Tis neither wind nor water-proof;
They say the walls will never dry."

" Tell them I say that's all my eye."

" They wish you'd go and see the state
They're in, before it is too late:
And then you'll see it wants a spout."

" Tell them, my dear, I've got the gout."

" They want a knocker and a scraper;
They want the attics hung with paper;
So many gaps, too, in the border,
The garden, too, is all disorder.
Yourself will be the proper judge."

" Tell them, from me, all this is fudge."

" Your promise keep — to stay they're willing."

" I'll not lay out another shilling;
I've no objection, if they please,
That in repairs they sport the fees.
Of bricklayers and such cursed stuff,
And carpenters I've had enough!
The bargain clenched, I've saved my bacon,
For seven good years my house is taken;
And half-year's warning after that,
So farther talk is empty chat."

" They say the fastenings are so slight,
The robbers may break in at night."

" Well, 'tis their own security,
If folks are robbed, what's that to me?
Must I employ a smith and farrier?
For guard, they'd better keep a terrier."

" You promised that you'd crop the garden."

" I'll not lay out another farden ;
Were I to herb, and plant, and fruit it,
Then they'd buy chickens up to root it;
Must I forsooth their garden dig?
Why, wife, you take me for a pig!"

" The mortar is already crumbling."

" I'll hear no more their cursed grumbling;
My house is let, and I'm content,
We've only now to take our rent;
So foam the jug, the table wipe,
And silence, whilst I light my pipe."

Live like wild Arab in a tent,
Before Bob Sowden's house you rent!