Member Poem

I allows myself to self-abuse
to POW! the stars into my own night sky dark with firecracker flutterings and rings of comets circular galaxies of comets all rushing self-eluding through. My nose stinging from the sulphur, going up and behind my eyes and throat a little bit too giving me a small bitty tiny centered headache in the back of my velvety epiglottis velvety nighttime warm sky.
I want to BANG!BANG! myself through and out there and around and onto the carpet living room floor from the linoleum kitchen floor so different wrestling all over the boundaries that are like ghosts only out there in here I still feel the headache it won't go away let up on me! Bile stomach destabilizing naseau.
I want to hate myself.  In a Way it is safer.  It is beach house holiday safe.  Not setting up your own campsite and tent in the woods safe.  Not getting to know myself and give myself the chance the benefit of the doubt to do be myself successfully.  Dobedo.  Do-Be-Do whop be do be do be do whop do be do whop be dooo be do be do be do whop.
I want to be able to actually deep down like myself too.  Have some foregiveness for my small self.  And have some compassion for the self that still loves and needs my dad even after all what happened. I won't forget that she is there, still needing...I won't bash on her for needing too.  I got to find a way to self care so that wild one is taken care of.  I can't let taking care of her down.  I have got to live out a way that means I care for myself and it shows.  Why?  It fills me with hope to imagine my potential for liking myself.  I could live a happy life! I could learn to surf better in whole other levels and realms of  relationship creationship within my lifebubble where I could really grow with other people too really. Be who knows how my best version of myself could be if I keep with myself, keep doing the inner work. How friendships, those magical fields of vision, might develop also along such beneficial and bountiful lines and coast the limitless web with a gentle cohesion born of healing old impenetrables. 
Well, here I go...I guess...a yep, I am a going to have to a go a yes I am a going a yup I am a going to a go I'vegottogo a yep a good a bye! Ah! Ahhhahahahaha yes! Good Bye! I'm seeping stepping through a portal, breathing different air living from different nutrition. I am closer to my own manure pile now!  Teeming! Teaming with Life!!  I am leaving the old way of hating me behind.  I descend from a different circuit into another ascension only it is as sideways an ascension of circuitry as there ever has been or can be will be well it's wild!  It is alive.  It's GOTTA grow. NEEDS what it needs.  There is the lifeforce that is in it all.  And I have to grow to stretch with that or be wiped under by wounds. 
So, back with the moment.  So, back with the moment, so, back with the moment, so back with the moment so back with the moment so back with the moment sobackwiththemoment sobackwiththemomentsobreathebackwiththemoment