Member Poem

I don’t want to be pretty, or loved, or intelligent.
I want to see waves collapse into each other.
Watch a sunset create an ombre of colors I never knew existed.
Surf waves to touch the ocean, and enjoy the feeling of a crash because it reminded me pain existed.
Dance too aggressively to bodies I did not know the faces of, late until time is not a number but a distant concept.
Cry in a bathroom stall with the girl whose face was my only joy.
Tell my mother I’m going to a sleepover, but go to an abandoned mansion and stay until I hear screams, sleeping against the only people I’d ever want to be with.
Sleep on the beach because sand has a better texture than any comforter, and the water a saltier and liveler taste than any alcohol.
Smile and wave to random people, because they’re too beautiful to go unnoticed.
Runaway to the train tracks, travelling by cargo and living by pennies, writing in old paper with flimsy pens.
Shouting at the top of my lungs whenever I felt the urge.
Whispering the lyrics to songs faintly, disturbing everyone around me but preserving an eternal peace inside me.
Doing exactly what I think without thought.
Skating the streets of New York, skating everything possible and everything that was doubted to be possible.
Riding the metro to feel free, like I was a person that had somewhere to go, a time to arrive, and someone to be with.
This is who I want to be. I want these memories to be mine. In reality I will never be this person. I’m too scared of living, the mistakes deemed too awful that I’ve never tried. I want to become everything. I want to live so many lives that I can’t be one, and the daydreamed blank thought is what I am now. Nothing but a list without any check marks, and the dying urge to breathe.