Classic Poem

The Sale of the Tools

Here 'S a choice set of Tools for you, Ge'mmen and Ladies,
They 'll fit you quite handy, whatever your trade is;
(Except it be Cabinet-making; — no doubt,
In that delicate service they 're rather worn out;
Tho' their owner, bright youth! if he 'd had his own will,
Would have bungled away with them joyously still.)
You see they 've been pretty well hackt — and alack!
What tool is there job after job will not hack?
Their edge is but dullish it must be confest,
And their temper, like Ellenborough's, none of the best;
But you 'll find them good hardworking Tools, upon trying,
Were 't but for their brass they are well worth the buying;
They 're famous for making blinds, sliders , and screens ,
And are some of them excellent turning machines.

The first Tool I 'll put up (they call it a Chancellor ),
Heavy concern to both purchaser and seller.
Tho' made of pig iron yet worthy of note 'tis,
'Tis ready to melt at a half minute's notice.
Who bids? Gentle buyer! 'twill turn as thou shapest;
'Twill make a good thumb-screw to torture a Papist;
Or else a cramp-iron to stick in the wall
Of some church that old women are fearful will fall;
Or better, perhaps, (for I 'm guessing at random,)
A heavy drag-chain for some Lawyer's old Tandem .
Will nobody bid? It is cheap, I am sure, Sir —
Once, twice, — going, going, — thrice, gone! — it is yours, Sir.
To pay ready money you sha'n't be distrest,
As a bill at long date suits the Chancellor best.

Come, where 's the next Tool? —
Oh! 'tis here in a trice —
This implement, Ge'mmen, at first was a Vice;
(A tenacious and close sort of tool that will let
Nothing out of its grasp it once happens to get;)
But it since has received a new coating of Tin ,
Bright enough for a Prince to behold himself in.
Come, what shall we say for it? briskly! bid on,
We 'll the sooner get rid of it — going — quite gone.
God be with it, such tools, if not quickly knockt down,
Might at last cost their owner — how much? why, a Crown!

The next Tool I 'll set up has hardly had handsel or
Trial as yet and is also a Chancellor —
Such dull things as these should be sold by the gross;
Yet, dull as it is, 'twill be found to shave close ,
And like other close shavers, some courage to gather,
This blade first began by a flourish on leather .
You shall have it for nothing — then, marvel with me.
At the terrible tinkering work there must be,
Where a Tool such as this is (I 'll leave you to judge it)
Is placed by ill luck at the top of the Budget!English