Storytime

So gather around me, both kiddies and kits—
Unless you foals are lacking wits—
And listen to stories of friendship galore:
The kind that shove you out the door
While kicking you sideways and stomping your head
Until you're well and truly dead!

        Oh, Beastie, please! Let's keep this nice!
        There's no one ought to die!
        No badgers, bunnies, squirrels, or mice:
        They shouldn't even cry!

Why certainly, Beautiful! Don't carry on!
I'll look the king but play the pawn,
My sweetness exploding from pore and from throat,
Describing matters so remote,
You'll never connect them to here or to now.
I'll only speak as you allow.

        I'm sorry to insist like this,
        But children truly need
        Uplifting stories full of bliss
        To grow in them like seed.

And so it shall be! With a laugh and a dance,
I'll conjure such a joyful trance,
The darlings will howl to the literal skies!
They'll stomp their paws and rub their eyes
And ponder a lesson from history's core.
I doubt I'll even leave them sore...

                               1.

I'll set you a scene both of beauty and peace,
Enchantments flowing ne'er to cease,
Where virtues unnumbered can wallow and snort:
A perfect paradise, in short—
Some ages ago and some distance away,
I make all seemly haste to say.
In fact, I'll commit that most hideous crime
And start it "once upon a time."

Employing the magic of wordcraft alone,
I'll name each flower, carve each stone,
Provide such a picture of Delphia town,
You'll smell its class, so world-renown—
Or else I'll just say it was buildings and junk
That shone with light and hardly stunk:
A boring old place full of boring old folks
Who drowned in frowns and choked all jokes.

And yes, my dear Beautiful, sweating so sweet,
For all I swore to be discreet,
My conscience declares I must only speak truth,
Athrob like some impacted tooth.
The people back then, they did nothing but bore,
And none among them knew this more
Than children exactly like these here today.
In fact, I'd even have to say—

        A story, Beastie: that's the thing
        We're wanting, if you would.
        Or maybe dance or maybe sing?
        Just something short and good.

A story, a story, of course it shall be!
Adventure, oh, most certainly!
Beginning with Peony—that was her name—
A filly none would ever tame!
Observe her as I did and wonder anew:
Just who was really fooling who?

                              2.

Yes, follow me back to old Delphia town!
Behold our girl, her silken gown
A tiny bit frayed, but a unicorn still!
Although her home was down the hill,
Our Peony never would let herself mope.
She laughed at those who called her "dope"—
And kicked rotten pumpkins at most of them, too,
Until the bastards dripped with goo!

        The what? The what?? Oh, Beastie, please!
        I asked you to refrain
        From being naughty! Must you tease
        And treat me with disdain?

Forgive me, my dear: when you're right, then you're right.
From here, I'll keep my focus tight
And talk about Peony going to school
To learn such wisdom as that fool
Instructor of hers wished to stuff in the heads
Of kits who, newly shoved from beds,
Would rather be anywhere other than class,
Imprisoned where that boring ass—

Or "donkey," I guess, is the word you use now
To speak of those who, like the cow,
Participate fully in civilized grace
Although they aren't a pretty race...
A donkey, I say, who while pleasant enough,
Possessed a drive that made him tough.
His students would groan; they'd despair; they'd lament,
And stumble home, their brains all spent.

Our Peony, though, was the loudest of these,
And often dropping to her knees,
She'd raise to the skies such a piteous prayer,
Requesting please that someone there
Deliver herself and her friends from their fate,
That space did roil and coruscate.
It gave with a belch, and so delicately,
Expelled a creature known as me.

                              3.

        You mean that's how you first appeared?
        A filly prayed for you?
        I'm sorry, but that's kind of weird:
        You're sure this story's true?

As true as the skirts that the butterflies wear,
I answered swift this maiden's prayer.
Withdrawing myself from a wrinkle in space,
I bowed to her astonished face,
Declared that I'd come just as quick as I could,
And told her all would now be good:
"Your fears you may banish, your worries dispose,
For I shall vanquish all your foes!"

Well, you can imagine how Peony cheered—
I doubt that she would call me weird—
And dancing together the rest of the night,
Triumphantly at dawn's first light,
We galloped away to the schoolhouse's door
To give the blighters there what for!
Alas, she'd forgotten that class was at eight,
And so we settled in to wait.

Except, as I'm sure all you children recall,
To wait is never fun at all!
We started to dance, but the neighbors complained:
"Your music gets the sky all stained!
It's stupid! It jostled me straight down the stairs
And sounds too much like singing bears!"
The bears that I'd conjured, I fear, took offense,
And then, well, things got slightly tense.

For Peony laughed, and she urged the bears on:
"Destroy their gates! Uproot their lawn!
We'll show all these people what happiness means!
Behave, my bears, like wolverines!"
The rampaging mob of them flooded the streets,
Disturbing Delphia's elites,
Ignoring my cries that they please quiet down,
And waking the entire town!

                              4.

        My goodness! Bears and ev'rything!
        I must apologize
        For doubting, Beastie, that you'd bring
        A story worth a prize!

A prize would be nice—or a sandwich or three—
Rememb'ring this especially,
The horrible way I was stabbed in the back,
Betrayed by one who had a lack
Of kindness and mercy and other such stuff.
So here's the part where things get rough.

Aghast at the havoc that Peony wreaked,
I summoned all my strength and tweaked
Reality's face, set her straight and unbowed
To stop the strife and calm the crowd.
Unfortunately, in my haste, I forgot:
What looks OK to me does not
Resemble the order you mortals enjoy.
I fixed it all, but then— Oh, boy...

The lawns I restored grew up prickly and red
With trees of glass while frosting bled
In artful displays from the holes in the sky
As cotton-candy clouds rolled by.
Serene and bucolic, I thought at the time—
But people screamed about my crime.
Of course then the princesses chose to appear,
Their magic bright but touched with fear.

I tried to explain I could put it all back:
Their wands let fly their first attack.
I tried to explain I was Peony's friend:
She lied and cried, "Oh, make it end!
This monster's a fiend who has led me astray
And stolen all my will away!
He's filled me with hate since the day I was born,
Ashamed to be a unicorn!"

                              5.

        Oh, Beastie! That— It's terrible!
        How could she be so mean??
        It must have been unbearable
        To sit through such a scene!

Her gesturing hoof gave me no place to hide;
I stood there stony, petrified.
The princesses hugged her, and Peony wept;
Eleven goblins came and swept
My statue away to be set in the park
For centuries of rain and dark.
And why, little children, was I so misused?
For friendship's sake was I abused!

I trusted this Peony, gave her my heart,
And she returned it torn apart!
An innocent creature, I answered her call,
And sweetness led to my downfall.
Attend to my warning before it's too late!
Avoid your friends! Avoid my fate!

        Avoid your friends? Oh, Beastie, no;
        That's not the lesson here!
        Perhaps you meant take friendship slow
        To learn that it's sincere?

Conclude what you want, but I've spoken my piece—
And somehow made my pain decrease.
She's gone, after all, for these thousands of years,
Her selfish prayers and phony tears
Unknown in the age we inhabit today
Where only honest mortals play.
We're good little children who never act fake!
Hooray for us! Now, who wants cake?