Bill of Health

Bill of Health*                          by Jim Landwehr
 
I no longer go to the doctor
for a physical exam
expecting brevity,
a handshake
and well wishes.
No.
Now I go with list in hand
to remind me
what hurts, bulges
sags, clicks, pops
oozes, throbs
gurgles, flakes,
starts when it shouldn’t
or doesn’t stop when it should.
This compilation of woes
gets heaped upon
the previously existing
ailment roster that
my doctor keeps around for
laughs with his colleagues
at happy hour.
I no longer come away
with advice to
keep doing what I’ve been doing
but rather
orders to stop doing
what I’ve been doing
along with
a prescription for pills
or an ointment,
a pamphlet about
fill-in-the-blank-itis
and warnings about
high blood pressure
alcoholic drinks
red meat, white meat,
meat in general
sugar
carbohydrates,
high fructose corn syrup
and too much white flour.
Yes, trips to the doctor
Are not what they used to be.

*Forthcoming publication in Red Cedar Review