i’ve been trying to go to sleep in silence

i’ve been trying to go to sleep in silence

instead i find myself imagining conversations that i don’t want to have. conversations that seem stupid to have and stupid not to have.

how do you bring it up when the moment to bring it up is always so good in itself so good to hear your voice so good to see you again why ruin the moment over something that happened before over something that didn’t happen before over something that isn’t happening now. when that slightest bit of affection is too precious to risk.

i’ve been trying to go to sleep in silence

trying to be sparse. but there’s always something new to tell you something that i’m excited to tell even though it seems as though you’re not excited and i feel stupid. stupid for heartbeats skipping stupid for feeling stupid stupid for losing sleep. well that last one’s not your fault.

i’ve been trying to go to sleep in silence

it’s always the little things that go first and that’s when you know something’s different. good mornings disappear before realizing till it’s too late. is it ever worth saying anything? is it worth writing this down when no one will ever read it and you’ll probably never say it because you don’t want to risk it.

you only get one life so why muck up the experiences you might have with what you might feel. why not just go through the motions. because you want this to be truthful? why should this be more truthful than everything else. if love is everything and everything has its falsities then why should love be different?

eventually lips crack and skin rejoins rehardens nothing goes out anymore so nothing goes in. nobody notices.

it’s easy to say words that don’t matter. it’s easy to say that words don’t matter.

it’s that easy to say words matter.

i’ve been trying to go to sleep in silence