Classic Poem

[This Fragment will be found to contain, in a concentrated form, all
the constituent parts of Greek Tragedy. It has an Anagnorisis, because
its subject is the Recognition of Women. It also contains at least
one Peripeteia: and the action has been strictly confined, chiefly by
the Editor of the Magazine, within one revolution of the sun.]

SCENE: Interior of a Ladies' College

LEADER OF THE CHORUS OF LADIES

Sisters, from far upon my senses steals
A sound of crackers and of Catherine wheels,
By which I know the Senate in debate
Decides our future and the country's fate:
And lo! a herald from the city's stir
I see arrive--the usual Messenger.

Enter a Messenger

M. O maiden guardians of this sacred shrine--

Ch. Observe the rules: you've had your single line.

M. Say, is the Lady Principal at home?

Ch. Thou speak'st, as one for information come.

M. I ask the question, for I wish to know.

Ch. By shrewd conjecture one might guess 'twas so.

M. Go, tell your Lady I would speak with her.

Ch. About what thing? what quest dost thou prefer?

M. I bear a tale I hardly dare to tell.

Ch. Why vex her ears, when ours will do as well?

M. Hear then the facts which with self-seeing eyes
I witnessed, not receiving from another.
For when I came within those doors august
Where sat the Boule, doubting if to grant
The boon of honour which the women ask,
Or not: and like some Thracian Hellespont
Tides of opinion flowed in different ways,
Until obeying some divine decree
(This is a Nominative Absolute)
The hollow-bellied circle of a hat
Received their votes (and now, but not till now,
Observe my true apodosis begin)--
Arithmetic, supreme of sciences,
Proclaimed that persons to the number of
One thousand seven hundred and thirteen
Voted Non-Placet (or, It does not please),
While thrice two hundred, also sixty-two,
Voted for Placet on the other side;
Who, being worsted, come as suppliants
With boughs and fillets and the rest complete,
Winging the booted oarage of their feet
Within your gates: the obscurantist rout
Pursue them here with threats, and swear they'll drag them out!
Such is my tale: its truth should you deny,
I simply answer, that you tell a lie.

CHORUS

Woe! Woe! Woe! Woe! What shall we do and where shall we go?
Dublin or Durham, Heidelberg, Bonn,
All to escape the recalcitrant don?
In what peaceful shade reclined
Shall the cultured female mind
E'er remunerated be
By a Bachelor's Degree?
Pheu, pheu! Whence, O whence (here the
antistrophe ought to commence),
Whence shall we the privilege seek
Due to our knowledge of Latin and Greek?
Shall we tear our waving locks?
Shall we rend our Sunday frocks?
No, 'tis plain that nothing can
Melt the so-called heart of man.
While with loud triumphant pealings
Ring his cries of horrid joy,
Let us vent our outraged feelings
In a wild otototoi--
Justifiable impatience, when the shafts of fate annoy,
Makes one utter exclamations such as ototototoi!

Enter PROFESSOR PLACET

I ask you, ye intolerable creatures,
Why raise this wholly execrable din,
O objects of dislike to the discreet?
Six hundred persons, also sixty-two
(Almost the very number of the Beast)
Have voted for you, and defend your gates.
Moreover, mark my subtle argument:--
When gates are locked no person can get in
Without unlocking them: your gates are locked,
And I have got the key: so that, unless
I ope the gates, the foe cannot get in.
This statement is Pure Reason: or, if this
Is not Pure Reason, I don't know what is.

CHORUS

Holy Reason! sacred Nous!
Thou that hast for ever parted
From the Cambridge Senate House,
Make, O make us valiant hearted!
Wisdom, still residing here,
Calm our mind and chase our fear
While with wild discordant clamour
On our College gate they hammer!

[Confused Noise without.]

Hemich. a. Horrid things! I really wonder
how they ever dared to come,
When they know to base Non-Placets
that we're always Not At Home.

Hemich. B. 'Tis a national dishonour:
'tis the century's disgrace.

Hemich. a. If the College rules allowed it,
I should like to scratch their face.

Hemich. B. Never mind! a time is coming
when despite of all their Dons
We will sack the hall of Jesus,
and enjoy the wealth of John's!

Hemich. a. Vengeance! let us face the foe-man,
boldly bear the battle's brunt,
With our Placets to assist us
and our chaperons in front!

[Alarums; Excursions--special trains for voters.]

(A violation of the rule "Ne pueros coram populo Medea trucidet" is
about to commence, when--)

Enter APOLLO

(With apologies to Dr V-rr-ll for his profligate character.)

When all too deftly poets tie the knot
And can't untwist their complicated plot,
'Tis then that comes by Jove's supreme decrees
The useful theos apo mechanes.
Rash youths! forbear ungallantly to vex
Your fellow students of the softer sex!
Ladies! proud leaders of our culture's van,
Crush not too cruelly the reptile Man!
Or by experience you, as now, will learn
Th' eternal maxim's truth, that e'en a worm will turn.