Classic Poem

Aeneas comes to land
On Afric's torrid strand.

I sing of arms and of the man and boy
Who first went West after the fire in Troy;
While travelling by land they suffered much,
But while on board their sufferings were such
As, though so oft, Alas! imposed by fate,
It is not fit in Epics to relate.
In love and war, for so it was decreed,
This harmless man fared very ill indeed
(A single combat or a lady's whim,
To say the truth, oft proved too much for him),
Until they built a city, — whence it is
Spring Latin grammars, dates, and histories.

O muse, recite to me the cause or reason,
The purpose and result of Juno's treason
'Gainst pious Aeneas, who, the whole world knows,
At church was never seen to sneeze or doze,
And never would consent to go to bed
Before to her his prayers were duly said,
But who to ruin by her wrath was driven: —
Do ladies with sour tempers go to heaven?

For Carthage, great affections Juno bore,
Nor liked she Mt. Desert or Newport more,
And there she kept her carriages and horses;
But she had heard that by the Trojan forces
That very place would one day be destroyed,
And by this rumor she was much annoyed.
Of Trojan, Paris' choice, she also thought,
When Venus, Pallas, and herself each sought
To be declared the handsomest, and tried
To bribe him in her favor to decide.
Juno herself proposed unseemly cash,
And Pallas, glory, fame, and all such trash,
But Venus promised him the blameless joys
Of home — a wife and little girls and boys.
Some have maintained that, like the modern school,
This Trojan lady-killer was a fool;
I hardly dare to favor either side: —
Pray let the Female Latin School decide!
And lastly, when the Olympians dined in state,
Queen Juno's daughter, Hebe, used to wait
Upon the table, till, with one accord,
The gods inquired if she could not afford
A trained male waiter, — such alone were fit
To serve a banquet at which gods should sit;
So Ganymede, a Trojan, was engaged,
And thrifty Juno justly was enraged.

Thus Carthage, Paris, and this Ganymede, —
Not I, — must answer for the things you read.

Aeneas, with full sail and bending oar,
Was gladly leaving the Sicilian shore,
When Juno thus soliloquized: " Forsooth,
I cannot kill this good-for-nothing youth!
The fates forbid! — And yet Minerva could —
Although her reasons were not half so good —
Sink Ajax' fleet, and Ajax' person knock
And split in pieces on a pointed rock;
Whilst I, who strut a queen, Jove's sister-wife,
Am ever with a conquered race at strife!
If I don't show I am as good as she,
Who henceforth will be found to worship me? "

The goddess, by her meditations flurried,
To Aeolus, the king of tempests, hurried,
Who keeps the winds locked up within a cave,
And, sitting on them, makes them all behave.
To him Queen Juno told her purpose thus:
" That Trojan race I hate, good Aeolus,
Is cruising now not very far from here;
Let loose the winds at once, and never fear;
Drive them about and sink them on their way:
These kind attentions I shall soon repay.
With fourteen charming girls my home is blessed,
All most accomplished and divinely dressed;
Lest such abundance should confuse your heart,
The most deserving I shall set apart,
And you may marry her without delay.
I shall arrange it in the smoothest way,
For if you're shy or can't afford the ring
To pop the question is a trying thing. "
Thus spoke this honest goddess; he replied:
" Two things my heart delights in you provide;
I need a wife, — 'tis yours, O queen, to win her, —
And mine to eat what you have cooked for dinner. "
This said, he bids the stormy winds arise
And toss the mountain billows to the skies.
At once Aeneas' limbs are chilled; he grasps
The mast with both his hands, and gasps,
" O thrice and four times happy those who died
Tucked in their beds, a doctor by their side,
Or who at least were killed on solid ground,
But I — help, mother, help! — I shall be drowned!
Oh, if I must be drowned, could it not be
In Simois Brook, not in this raging sea? "

Already Neptune felt in every bone
That Juno's tactics quite outdid his own;
And so he raised on high his dripping head,
And spat and blinked, as to the winds he said:
" How now! how dare you, scoundrels you! whom I . . .
But first 'tis well the storm to pacify,
Away! and tell your king that 'tis for me
And not for him to rule the boundless sea;
It is my privilege to murder there;
Great Jove can do so in the fields of air;
He rules the clouds and thunderbolts and rain;
The earth alone is everyone's domain,
There all the gods their kindly feelings vent
And torture mortals to their hearts' content;
While Pluto, in whose realm the dead are found
Forever keeps them busy underground, "
Thus Neptune spoke; and, sooner done than said,
A glassy calm upon the waters spread.

As when among a crowd of idle boys
At times arises playfulness and noise,
And spit-balls fly around and beans and chalk, —
For mischief lends them weapons, — if in walk
By chance a teacher, each his glee restrains
The noise is hushed and guilty silence reigns, —
So, at the sight of Neptune's awful form,
Did sudden calm succeed the sudden storm.

Disgusted with the sea, Aeneas' band
Pull for the shore and make the nearest land;
And when they reach the beach for which they long
They feel another longing quite as strong.
One, hard-worked heroes naturally feel, —
So they prepare a good substantial meal.
At sight of which Aeneas dries his tears
And with these words his valiant comrades cheers:
" You've gone through much, but don't cry any more;
It's dinner time, and you've fared worse before.
We shall see better times, and we may find
It pleasant then to call these things to mind. "
So, while their strength by eating they revive
And wonder when their lost friends will arrive,
Of their forlorn condition they complain
And fill themselves with cake and old champagne.

At dawn Aeneas, as explorer, meant
To make his way " through the dark continent, "
When (wonderful to tell!) before him stood,
Just in the very middle of a wood,
A strange, heterogeneous sort of creature,
Male in attire but feminine in feature.
She wore a picturesque and flowing dress —
A Highlander's costume, nor more nor less,
At once she cried, " Hallo, young man, I say
Has any of my sisters passed this way
Chasing a foaming wild-boar with a shout? "
Aeneas said — though he could not make out
What such strange sights and sounds as these could mean —
" None of your sisters have I heard or seen. —
What shall I call you? Girl, I scarcely can,
And yet your voice is not that of a man,
O surely you are the embodied form
Of woman's rights or ladies' dress reform!
Whate'er you be, be of some use to me,
And tell me where I am. " " Dear me! " said she,
" You do me too much honor; sporting suits
Are stylish now, with quivers and top-boots.
That town is Carthage, African these bounds,
Although we stand in widow Dido's grounds.
A husband and a brother Dido had,
One very rich, the other very bad.
The husband, named Sychaeus, and the brother
Began, of course, to quarrel with each other;
And, when in church, they came to blows one day,
The whole thing ending in a tragic way,
Sychaeus died intestate; but his shade
His business-like propensities displayed.
In life Sychaeus may have been a miser
But then his ghost determined to be wiser:
It came to widow Dido in a dream —
So Dido says but no one heard her scream —
Bade her depart, and showed her sums untold
Of hidden silver and of buried gold.
Induced by this, she quickly went on board,
Loading the ship with the discovered hoard,
And came to settle on this Hybian shore
And built the mansion we are now before.
Go in to see her now and you will find,
I dare be sworn, this widow Dido kind, "
She ended: as to go she turns around
Her lengthened dress begins to sweep the ground,
Her face to shine, her ringlets to dispell
Of gods' pomatum a decided smell,
And by her gait, while climbing to the skies,
She shows that she was Venus in disguise.

Before his mother left Aeneas there,
She wrapped him close in a thick cloud of air,
To shield his modest form from curious eyes,
Just as glass cases keep away the flies.
Thus sheltered, he walked up the avenue
Till near to widow Dido's house he drew.

" O happy one, " he said, " who dost not roam
A wanderer still! there is no place like home. "
He goes right in, nor stops to ring the bell;
And all the time, oh wonderful to tell!
He, hidden quite by the convenient cloud,
Is seen by none, though passing through a crowd.
Here, as at the upholstery he stared,
Aeneas first to hope for comfort dared;
These new surroundings somewhat calmed his fear
And made him hope that better times were near.
For, as he looked around him in the hall,
He saw, hung in a row along the wall,
The Trojan battles in which came to grief
Many an Argive and Dardanian chief.
He stood amazed, and floods of tears he shed
And groaned and moaned, and finally he said:
" What country is there now beneath the sun
That is not full of the great deeds we've done?
See, here the Greeks fight with the Trojan forces;
There noble Diomed is stealing horses;
Achilles here, thrice round the city walls
Is chasing Hector, there brave Hector falls;
His naked corpse, suspended by the heels,
Is dragged at great Achilles' chariot wheels;
Who by all this surpassing glory gains,
And profits, too, by selling the remains. "
While pious Aeneas, spell-bound still, admired
The paintings that these envious thoughts inspired;
The pleasing Mrs. Dido came down stairs
To attend as usual to her household cares,
Just as an officer of recent date,
Who with his new position is elate,
Carries his sword with pleasure in his hand
And feels it quite his province to command,
And lifts his head far higher than the rest
While secret joys are thrilling through his breast,
So did this widow Dido feel and look
The dinner over and reprove the cook.

But suddenly Aeneas was astounded
To see that Mrs. Dido was surrounded
By Trojans whom the storm the previous day
Had driven off from where the others lay.
The oldest of them spoke for all the rest
And, coming nearer Dido, thus addressed:
" Over the land and sea we Trojans roam;
You, Mrs. Dido, have a pleasant home.
Under these circumstances 'twere a sin
For you not to be glad to take us in.
We do not come to plunder or to steal,
No such brave promptings do the conquered feel.
There is a place that people call the West,
A modern land, with splendid harvests blessed,
And this we hope some happy day to reach.
A storm has cast us up on this, your beach.
Your servants drive us from the kitchen fire
And money for our lodging would require!
What does this mean? If you don't think us strong,
The gods, at least, remember right and wrong. "
Then widow Dido blushed, and shook her head,
And looking at the carpet, briefly said:
" Don't be afraid; I'll make this matter right,
Who has not heard about the Trojan fight?
My house is large, my family is small;
I can most easily make room for all.
Would that your king, Aeneas, too, were here!
I'll send to see if he has landed near. "
She had not finished when the vanished cloud
Unveiled Aeneas to the astonished crowd.
In the bright light more brightly did he shine;
His features and his figure were divine.
For (though her operations were unseen,
Being hidden by the wonderful air screen)
His mother had, with her accustomed care,
Just washed his face and combed and brushed his hair.

Aeneas' unexpected introduction
By so obscure a process of induction
Perplexed poor Dido, quite untaught to fix
Her thoughts on Bacon's or on Venus' tricks.
But soon she said: " Well, now that you are here
You and your friends have nothing more to fear.
I hope you'll stay some little time with me
Before you sail away again to sea,
A prey to tempests and Olympian scamps:
A wanderer too, I learn to succor tramps. "
Aeneas (for all summer he might stay
And no hotel bills would he have to pay)
Exclaimed: " What fitting language can I find
To thank a friend so beautiful and kind?
Ye gods! how noble her reward would be,
If to reward her you deputed me! "
And then he sent Achates on the run
For young Iulus, his much petted son;
And presents, too, he ordered him to bring,
For Mrs. Dido they were just the thing:
A yellow shawl embroidered all in gold,
Which Spartan Helen, so the story's told,
Got from her mother many years ago
And brought to Troy as part of her trousseau ,
And which Aeneas purchased second-hand;
A golden necklace, which, I understand,
Had been his wife's, (why should Aeneas buy it,
Not knowing to what use he should apply it?)
And his wife's jewels he had kept in mind
Although herself he chanced to leave behind;
And then a jeweled, golden crown to match,
Which from the fire he'd had the luck to snatch.
Meantime fair Venus, with consummate art,
Thus lays a plot against poor Dido's heart:
She summons Cupid and her plan discloses:
" You know my son Aeneas now proposes
To take at Carthage a few weeks' vacation;
He's in sad need of some such relaxation.
To make it pleasant for him, it is best
Some lady's heart in him to interest.
I'll show you how the business may be done.
You are a boy, so is Aeneas' son;
Well, then, exchange for more essential things —
His shirt and trousers — these angelic wings,
And go to Dido in Iulus' stead.
I'll see that he is safely put to bed.
When she begins to kiss you and caress,
For she is sure to do so more or less,
Just breathe upon her love's insidious breath;
'Twill comfort her for good Sychaeus' death. "
That day the Trojans and the Tyrians shared
A splendid banquet Dido had prepared.
At the close of such, as history can show,
Up stairs the ladies never used to go;
Men didn't smoke, so 'twas but right, I think,
The ladies should remain with them and drink.
So Dido did; she sipped the foaming bowl
Which others drenched themselves by drinking whole.
Fair reader, be not shocked; the classic mind
Loved also pleasures of another kind.
Long-haired Iopas read them a discourse
Upon the nature of the planets' course,
Declaring, too, the scientific reason
Why nights are longer in the winter season.
The origin of species he expounded
And the Darwinian theory propounded.
Nothing could please the learned Trojans more;
The Tyrians loudly called for an encore .
But Dido, clinging to that cruel boy,
Asked many things about the siege of Troy,
Said she delighted in those deeds of glory,
And begged her guest to tell the famous story.