Classic Poem

Cremes, I guess you have at length embrac'd
More just Opinions, and improv'd your Taste:
That you are tir'd with Cries of Clam'rous Hounds,
With tramp'ling growing Corn, and breaking Mounds,
Weary of constant Chases and Pursuits,
And living still a Jockey Life in Boots,
Of breaking Limbs to keep your self in Health,
And feeding Dogs and Cocks to save your Wealth
That you are cloy'd with course ill-manag'd Cheer,
And the brown Nectar of October Beer;
And with your Reverend Dunce, who puffs and pants
Waddles with Fat, and bursts with Ale and Nants
Who must in Jest against those Vices preach,
Which his loose Manners do in earnest teach.
From Noise and Nonsense you would fain retire,
Leave the Brute Tenant, and the awkard Squire,
Who in his House foments eternal Strife,
With Pleasure stroaks his Dog, and kicks his Wife
You'd be no more a great Domestick Boy,
Your Mother's Comfort, and your Sisters Joy:
And therefore fly to Town to be refin'd,
To make your Fortune, and to know Mankind;
Cremes , your Scheme is wond'rous well design'd.

I see your Mirth, but Raillery apart,
Tell me the Method and successful Art,
By which an humble Fortune One may raise;
You know the Town, and all the Means and Ways.

Then to be serious, with attentive Ear
The Maxims, which must guide your Conduct, hear.
From Prejudice you must deliver'd be,
From all Restraints of Education free;
And own that Vice and Vertue are the same,
That their Distinction from gross Error came,
And that their Nature's one, tho' not their Name.
Misguided and ill-principled at first,
If you would shine, shake off your pious Rust,
In your Opinions should you be so odd,
As freely to assert and fear a God,
The Scoffing Party will become your Foes,
Deride your Folly, and your Aims oppose.
You a new Creed, to please them, must receive,
Embrace Spinosa , or in Hobbs believe.

Learn with Delight Religion to explode,
As idle Cant, as Fancy, or as Fraud;
As an ignoble, feeble Passion, fit
For giddy Women, not for Men of Wit.
You boldly must engage to make it clear,
That Superstitious, melancholy Fear
Did first make Gods, and then their Altars rear.
That Priests and Statesmen did th' Advantage take,
And carry'd on the Cheat for Empire's Sake.
Perhaps with secret Fears you'll be possest,
That the fierce Viper will corrode your Breast,
And ill-presaging Thoughts disturb your Rest:
But persevere, and you will easy grow,
Custom will make, and Wine will keep you so.

Our Wits, who labour to refine the Town
With Riot, will embrace you as their own;
And their new Convert with Applauses crown;
From all misgiving Thoughts your Bosom clear,
Sooth your Remorse, and laugh away your Fear.
Reluctant Reason you'll in Fetters keep,
And lay th' insulting Judge within asleep.
You'll triumph o'er Religious Knaves with Ease,
Mock future Life, and soon know where 'twill please.
You're right put off of Hand, if this be done,
Your Ground well taken, you will smoothly run.

Then plunge your self in Company, be known
To all th' Bards and Criticks of Renown,
To all the intreaguing Creatures of the Town.
To gain Acquaintance universal strive,
And into all their Vices freely give.
Thus you a Man in Fashion will commence,
Prais'd for your Mirth, fine Company, and Sense.

Be sure at Levees humbly to attend,
Strowling from Lord to Lord the Morning spend,
Affect distinguish'd Impudence, and own
You practise all the Leudness of the Town,
But all the Vertue, which you have, disown.
These brighter Days excel dull Ages past,
Our Men and Ladies have refin'd their Tast.
Those lik'd a Head sagacious, cool, and clear;
False Wits to Us, Buffoons, and Fops are dear.
Do you at Honour and Distinction aim,
Acquire in Vice an unexampled Name.

To mend the Laws when Lawyers shall engage,
And Players labour to reform the Stage,
When Lines obscene the Ladies shall offend,
And Poets, Poets shall with Zeal commend;
Then Men of Merit, who Assistance need,
By Vertue not obstructed, shall succeed.
All Qualities have triumph'd in their Turn,
Arts, great Augustus , did thy Age adorn;
Thy Reign, O Charles , did Sense and Learning show,
Wits flourish'd in thy Son's, and Jesters now.

When first a Genius, great in Wit and Vice,
Do's like some bright unvulgar Beauty rise;
And to display a noble Bloom begins
The Promise of mature illustrious Sins:
From House to House he's carry'd up and down,
To Statesmen, Gen'rals and great Lords made known;
By every Club of mighty Fame approv'd,
By all applauded, and by all belov'd;
Pamper'd with Praise, and with high Flatt'ry fed,
Till oft the too strong Diet turns his Head.
In peaceful Seas he do's with Pleasure ride,
And runs before the Breeze, and with the Tide.
Nor ever wants a favourable Gale,
The Breath of all the Town extends his Sail.

Vertue mean Time to stormy Seas confin'd,
Has Shelves and Sands on either Side, behind
The threat'ning Rocks, and in her Face the Wind.
Pleas'd Neighbours crowd to see her in Distress,
As Sussex Parsons, and their People press,
When the loud Tempest rages on the Coast,
With barb'rous Joy to see the Merchant tost;
Then Eyes uplifted piously implore
The Aid of Heav'n, to send the Wreck a-shore.

Be well with all the Laughers, else in vain
You strive a handsome Figure to sustain.
Admire their Sense, call that vain Thing discree,
This Fool a Statesman, that Buffoon a Wit.
Your Parts they'll in their Turn with Honour name
Promote your Int'rest, and protect your Fame.

In their own Way the Men and Ladies please,
Drink Burgundy with Those, and Tea with These
On all the past and present Fops refine,
Make your affected Indiscretion shine.
For all the craz'd, the whimsical, the vain,
And bright conspicuous Coxcombs now obtain.
Some Strains of Folly next to Madness shew,
Attempt some Strokes of Leudness bold and new.
Or else invent some unexampled Thing,
And careless tell it to the laughing Ring.
Thus you will rise to Fame, you'll be a Wit,
For high and finer Conversation fit,
Ridiculous with Praise, and wisely Indiscreet.

Learn all Intreagues, but chiefly Love-Affairs,
Find out the Scandal of the private Stairs.
Cringe to the Great, and in a fawning Way
To every Creature Things obliging say,
But most to those you scorn or would betray.
Mark how the Lady's Inclinations tend,
And by the Mistress, make the Lord your Friend.

Write wretched Farce, be stupidly prophane,
And please the Audience with a wanton Scene.
Compose bad Plays, or good Ones ill translate,
Your Friends are stanch, you need not fear your Fate.
Grow a He — Gossip, do like F — — r ,
Pick Scandal up, record the Tales you hear,
And up and down the wise Tea-Tattle bear.
Would you become the Darling of the Town,
Be well with All the Ladies, but your own.
Now make your Choice, pretend to what you please,
Cry'd up by All, you must succeed with Ease.
You may a Builder, or a Poet be,
By Physick you may rise, or Heraldry.
Your Patrons for you from th' unwilling Court,
Which oft oblige those, who have Pow'r to hurt;
Perhaps unfit Preferment may extort.
Should you a Scholar prove and shine in Print,
You may controul the Ord'nance or the Mint.
You never saw the Sea, What then? By Land
You may the Chart and Compass understand,
And Chief's advise, how Navies to command.
If you are pleas'd to leave your Native Soil,
You may be sent to Rule some Western Isle;
Your Excellence will that high Post become,
Leave there bad Laws, and bring good Money Home.
Or be Intendant of our Foreign Trade,
By Four good Maps your Skill is perfect made.
A Victualer, you may buy the Sailor's Food,
Send them the Bad, and keep your self the Good.

Another Way by which you cannot miss,
The great Design at which you aim, is this:
Turn Politician, Ministers arraign,
And of imagin'd Grievances complain.
In moving Accents, Britain 's Fate display,
Increase of Taxes, and of Trade Decay;
Cry out the Wasters of Britannia 's Coin,
The Publick name, but Private Good design;
That they are Fat by our Consumption grown,
And empty all our Veins to fill their own.

On the first Courtiers let your Fury fall,
Still let them feel your Sting, and tast your Gaul.
Whate'er Misfortunes come by Land or Sea,
With Ardour charge them on the Ministry,
For not preventing what they could not see.
Let them for casual Losses be arraign'd,
Or by our Merchants or our Fleets sustain'd
By Tempests torn, or adverse Winds detain'd.

Rise by Degrees, a stronger Tone assume,
Grow warm, make Heav'n and Earth together come
Excite your Courage, be in Language bold,
Not H — — like, correctly weak and cold.
When at the Court, you for your Country rave,
Call Heav'n to Witness, you would only save
Old England 's Rights, and would not be a Slave.
That you in all this Charge may seem sincere,
With Hands spread forth, and Eyes uplifted swear,
That you unmov'd can all Assaults abide,
That no high Post shall draw you from your Side,
Much less that you will e'er a Place divide.

Whether the Question be of War or Trade,
Exclaim aloud the Church will be betay'd.
Against her fierce pretended Foes declare,
Show her not safe ev'n under Anna 's Care.
Phantastick Clouds and dreadful Figures form,
Cry out against th' imaginary Storm.
Make deep Designs, that ne'er were laid, appear,
And paint that Danger, which you do not fear.

Hold Sir, to what do's all this Counsel tend?
This will obstruct, and not promote my End.
Hearken, Young Man, and you'll your Error mend.
Some Courts by Provocations are endear'd,
Where you are so much valu'd, as you're fear'd.
From Opposition you'll their Favour find,
Incense them to comply, and vex them be kind.
Weak State-Directors with bold Speech invade;
Make them uneasy, you'll be easy made.
Our Friends, they cry, by Principle are so,
Our Int'rest is to court and gain the Foe;
Tho' every Age arraigns th' ungrateful Scheme,
All practise in their Turn, what All condemn.

Good Heav'ns! is this your celebrated Town?
Are these your Ways to Riches and Renown?
Can impious Maxims here such Credit gain?
Bold by Success do's Vice unbridled reign?
Do's its licentious Deluge rise so high,
Pass all Entrenchments, all Restraints defy?
Do great Offenders trembling Justice awe?
Deride Church-Censures, and elude the Law?
Are Parties form'd true Merit to disgrace,
While Vertue hides her ignominious Face?
Can you a Zeal to spread Prophaneness own?
In Irreligion are you Bigots grown?
Are Libertines caress'd with laud Applause?
Cabals engag'd to sink Religion's Cause?
Should such be arm'd with Pow'r, and who can tell
How high the Antichristian Tide may swell ?
They would , O Rome, thy Violence exceed ;
Pull ev'ry Altar down, burn ev'ry Creed.
Is such a Town for me a fit Abode,
Who own Religion, and revere a God?
Who have th' Immortal coming State in view,
And more than this, who am a Christian too?
From this contagious Seat I'll fly away,
For Health I'd sooner in a Pest-House stay.
In barren Desarts rather live, confin'd
To Savage Creatures of less noxious Kind.
I'd seek the lonesome Margin of the Main,
Hide in the Rock, or range the Sandy Plain:
I'd find some unfrequented River's Tide,
Lodge in the Reeds, or in the Woods abide,
The Forrest-Den I'd chuse, or Mountain-Cave,
To be my Dwelling, and my Vertue save.