Classic Poem

Ladies, ye've seen how Guzman's consort died,
Poor victim of a Spaniard brother's pride,
When Spanish honour through the world was blown,
And Spanish beauty for the best was known.
In that romantic, unenlighten'd time,
A breach of promise was a sort of crime —
Which of you handsome English ladies here,
But deem the penance bloody and severe?
A whimsical old Saragossa fashion,
That a dead father's dying inclination,
Should live to thwart a living daughter's passion,
Unjustly on the sex we men exclaim,
Rail at you vices, — and commit the same; —
Man is a promise-beaker from the womb,
And goes a promise-beaker to the tomb —
What need we instance here the lover's vow,
The sick man's purpose, or the great man's bow?
The truth by few examples best is shown —
Instead of many which are better known,
Take poor Jack Incident, that's dead and gone.
Jack, of dramatic genius justly vain,
Purchased a renter's share at Drury-lane;
A prudent man in every other matter,
Known at his club-room for an honest hatter;
Humane and courteous, led a civil life,
And has been seldom known to beat his wife;
But Jack is now grown quite another man,
Frequents the green-room, knows the plot and plan
Of each new piece,
And has been seen to talk with Sheridan!
In at the play-house just at six he pops,
And never quits it till the curtain drops,
Is never absent on the author's night ,
Knows actresses and actors too — by sight,
So humble, that with Suett he'll confer,
Or take a pipe with plain Jack Bannister;
Nay, with an author has been known so free,
He once suggested a catastrophe —
In short, John dabbled till his head was turn'd:
His wife remonstrated, his neighbours mourn'd,
His customers were dropping off apace,
And Jack's affairs began to wear a piteous face.
One night his wife began a curtain lecture;
" My dearest Johnny, husband, spouse, protector,
Take pity on your helpless babes and me,
Save us from ruin, you from bankruptcy —
Look to your business, leave these cursed plays,
And try again your old industrious ways."
Jack, who was always scared at the Gazette,
And had some bits of scull uninjured yet,
Promised amendment, vow'd his wife spake reason,
" He would not see another play that season —
Three stubborn fortnights Jack his promise kept,
Was late and early in his shop, eat, slept,
And walk'd and talk'd, like ordinary men;
No wit , but John the hatter once again —
Visits his club: when lo! one fatal night
His wife with horror view'd the well-known sight —
John's hat, wig, snuff-box — well she knew his tricks —
And Jack decamping at the hour of six.
Just at the counter's edge a playbill lay,
Announcing that " Pizarro" was the play —
" O Johnny, Johnny, this is your old doing."
Quoth Jack. " Why what the devil storm's a-brewing?
About a harmless play why all this fright?
I'll go and see it, if it's but for spite —
Zounds, woman! Nelson's to be there to-night."