Classic Poem

LETTER II.

A T length, my Lord, I have the bliss
To date to you a line from this
" Demoralized " metropolis;
Where, by plebeians low and scurvy,
The throne was turned quite topsy turvy,
And Kingship, tumbled from its seat,
" Stood prostrate " at the people's feet;
Where (still to use your Lordship's tropes)
The level of obedience slopes
Upward and downward, as the stream
Of hydra faction kicks the beam!
Where the poor Palace changes masters
Quicker than a snake its skin,
And Louis is rolled out on castors,
While B ONEY'S borne on shoulders in: —
But where, in every change, no doubt,
One special good your Lordship traces, —
That 't is the Kings alone turn out,
The Ministers still keep their places.

How oft, dear Viscount C ASTLEREAGH ,
I 've thought of thee upon the way,
As in my job (what place could be
More apt to wake a thought of thee? —
Or, oftener far, when gravely sitting
Upon my dicky, (as is fitting
For him who writes a Tour, that he
May more of men and manners see,)
I 've thought of thee and of thy glories,
Thou guest of Kings and King of Tories!
Reflecting how thy fame has grown
And spread, beyond man's usual share,
At home, abroad, till thou art known,
Like Major S EMPLE , everywhere!
And marvelling with what powers of breath
Your Lordship, having speeched to death
Some hundreds of your fellowmen,
Next speeched to Sovereign's ears, — and when
All Sovereigns else were dozed, at last
Speeched down the Sovereign of Belfast.
Oh! mid the praises and the trophies
Thou gain'st from Morosophs and Sophis;
Mid all the tributes to thy fame,
There 's one thou shouldst be chiefly pleased at —
That Ireland gives her snuff thy name,
And C ASTLEREAGH'S the thing now sneezed at!

But hold, my pen! — a truce to praising —
Tho' even your Lordship will allow
The theme's temptations are amazing;
But time and ink run short, and now,
(As thou wouldst say, my guide and teacher
In these gay metaphoric fringes,
I must embark into the feature
On which this letter chiefly hinges ;)
My Book, the Book that is to prove —
And will , (so help ye Sprites above;
That sit on clouds, as grave as judges,
Watching the labors of the F UDGES !)
Will prove that all the world, at present,
Is in a state extremely pleasant;
That Europe — thanks to royal swords
And bayonets, and the Duke commanding —
Enjoys a peace which, like the Lord's,
Passeth all human understanding:
That France prefers her go-cart King
To such a coward scamp as B ONEY ;
Tho' round, with each a leading-string,
There standeth many a Royal crony,
For fear the chubby, tottering thing
Should fall, if left there loney-poney; —
That England, too, the more her debts,
The more she spends, the richer gets;
And that the Irish, grateful nation!
Remember when by thee reigned over,
And bless thee for their flagellation,
As H ELOISA did her lover! —
That Poland, left for Russia's lunch
Upon the sideboard, snug reposes:
While Saxony 's as pleased as Punch,
And Norway " on a bed of roses! "
That, as for some few million souls,
Transferred by contract, bless the clods!
If half were strangled — Spaniards, Poles,
And Frenchmen — 't would n't make much odds,
So Europe's goodly Royal ones
Sit easy on their sacred thrones;
So F ERDINAND embroiders gayly,
And Louis eats his salmi daily;
So time is left to Emperor S ANDY
To be half Caesar and half Dandy;
And G eorge the R EGENT (who'd forget
That doughtiest chieftain of the set?)
Hath wherewithal for trinkets new,
For dragons, after Chinese models,
And chambers where Duke Ho and Soo
Might come and nine times knock their noddles! —
All this my Quarto 'll prove — much more
Than Quarto ever proved before: —
In reasoning with the Post I'll vie,
My facts the Courier shall supply,
My jokes V ANSITTART , P EELE my sense,
And thou, sweet Lord, my eloquence!

My Journal, penned by fits and starts,
On B IDDY'S back or B OBBY'S shoulder,
(My son, my Lord, a youth of parts,
Who longs to be a small placeholder,)
Is — tho' I say 't, that should n't say —
Extremely good; and, by the way,
One extract from it — only one —
To show its spirit, and I 've done.
" Jul. thirty-first . — Went, after snack,
" To the Cathedral of St. Denny;
" Sighed o'er the Kings of ages back,
" And — gave the old Concierge a penny.
" ( Mem. — Must see Rheims , much famed, 't is said,
" For making Kings and ginger bread.)
" Was shown the tomb where lay, so stately,
" A little Bourbon, buried lately,
" Thrice high and puissant, we were told,
" Tho' only twenty-four hours old!
" Here this, thought I, ye Jacobins:
" Ye Burdetts, tremble in your skins!
" If Royalty, but aged a day,
" Can boast such high and puissant sway,
" What impious hand its power would fix,
" Full fledged and wigged at fifty-six! "

The argument 's quite new, you see,
And proves exactly Q. E. D.
So now, with duty to the R EGENT ,
I am. dear Lord,
Your most obedient, P. F.

Hotel Breteuil, Rue Rivoli.
Neat lodgings — rather dear for me;
But B IDDY said she thought 't would look
Genteeler thus to date my Book;
And B IDDY'S right — besides, it curries
Some favor with our friends at M URRAY'S ,
Who scorn what any mah can say,
That dates from Rue St. Honore!