Classic Poem

If Art , that oft the loarn'd hath stammered,
In one Yron head peece (yet to hammer head)
May (foyn'd with Nature ) hit Fame on the Cocks combe;
Then, 'tis that Hard-pece that is crown'd with Od combi
For, he hard Head (and hard, sith like a Whetstone
It gittes wits edge, and drawes them too like Ietstone )
Is Capul mundIfor a world of schoole-tricks
And is not ignorant in the learned'st tricks .
He hath seene much more then much, I assure yee
And will see New-Troy, Bethlem , and Old-Iurie ,
Meane while (to giue a Taste of his first trauell,
With streames of Rhetoricke that get Golden-grauell)
He tels how he to V ENICE once did wander;
From whence he came more witty then a Gander:
Whereby he makes relations of such wonders.
That Truth therein doth lighten, while Art thunders.
All Tongues fled to him that at Bakell swerued.
Lest they for want of warme Mouthes might haue sterued:
Where they doe reuell in such Passing-measure ,
(Especially the Greeke wherein's his pleasure)
That ( louially ) so Greeke , he takes the guard of
That hee's the merriest Greeke that ere was heard of:
For, he as t'were his Mother's Twitthe-twattle
(That's Mother-tongue ) the Greeke can prille prattle
Nay, of that Tongue he so hath got the Body ,
That he sports with it at Ruffe, Glecke , or Noddy .
For his Inuention in his Bookes rare Brass-face
Is seene the glory of it, that doth passe Grace
The first doth shew how in a shippe he sailed
When out of England he (go-ing) tra-uailed;
For, as he notes him selfe (and right well noteth)
No man goes out of England but he boateth:
Where he (halfe ore board) spralleth like a Paddocke
And spues into a Whale's mouth called a Haddocke
Right o're gainst it, there is seene th Apparrell
Which he did weare when he found out the Barrell
Of Heydelberg shoes, stockings, hose , and dublet .
With so much of his blood as flis a goblet .
Dropping in Creepers from his Trauels Trophie;
Liee He not stile them, lest you should cry, o fie
But, that which is most wondrous to consider
Is, one so leane so long, should be their feeder;
And that the Clothes which he went out withall, too
Should same him am I the I've (which were not shall) too
Till his returne, with but a little patching.
When's Rags (like catch polles) greedy were in catching:
So, like an Israelife in Desert wast land,
His Weedes held out till he had fully trac t-land:
And for a Monument to After-coommers
Their Picture shall continue (though T IME scummers
Vpon th' Effigie to make Eyes delighted;
With that which by no Art can be more sprighted;
And shew the maruell of this Metaphysicke ,
That would haue fil'ds some Trau'tter with the Tyssicke
And so t' would him haue done, but that his Senses:
Were senslesse in pursuit of Excellences .
Then (from that Trophey to desscend a little)
Yee see when he his Gorge with Grapes did vittle
Was out-rag'd by a Boore , who did abhorre it
Till Tulliet golden sentences paid for it
Disburs'd by Goryats Tongue: which so did trolle it
That Cicero him selfe could not controlle it:
Which fill'd the Boore with wonder to the Wozen
That made him vomit sweet wordes by the dozen
In Tems deare praise; while he most like a Wag with
Tooke of his Grapes as much as he could wag-with.
Then yee descend, where he sits in a Gondolous
With Egs throwne at him by a wanton Room-be lore ,
Who lookes so masculine as thee were some Boy
Playing the pleasant Tomboy with her Tom-boy .
Within which Egs was sweetest water powred
That he to her might thereby be allured:
Which shewes the manner how he went in Venice ,
When as hee tooke surueigh of that strange Sea-peace .
Then doe yee fall vpon a goodly Woman
Which, for her stature, you would take for some man
Drost in th' Italian fashion and doth stand for
Faire Italic it selfe, and so is scand for:
Who on the one side serues for a supporter
Of that long Round , wherein he is made shorter
By halfe (at least) then his length naturall
And lookes as if he dane'd a Caterbrall .
With Ruffe about his necke set on so finely.
That you would sweare he nothing doth supinely
On th' other side the Round , stands one as tall too
Drest like a French-fem , in a farthingall too.
Vpholding (as the other did) the Rundle ;
Whose clothes, about the Bumme, tuckt like a bundle.
Doe make her stand for France : and so shee may well
For she hath Stuffe to make her Dee and say well.
Then, o ascend, before your last ascending
And looke on that that's farre aboue commending:
A dainty Dame (not dainty of her vomit)
Powres downe vpon him (like a blazing commet)
The streame of her aboundance from her Gullet,
And hits him on the Noddle, like a Bullet;
From whence it glanceth all those Fruits to water
That in his way he gather'd like a Cater .
Which Damsell with her free ebriety.
Doth lie , or sit , or stand for Germany .
Vpon her head shee weares (beneath it smirking)
Of Heydelbergs the fore-remembred Firkin .
This, this is it that's Creame of all Inuention ,
And farre surmounts the milke of wits intention.
Then vaile your Eye againe that is aspiring.
And see the Hortt and Cart he had for tyring
On one side stands (below) an Horse or Hobby
Or Hobby-horse (I mean no Hawlke cal'd Hobby)
Sadled and bridled ready for his trauell.
When he his owne feet spurgald had with grauell:
On th' other side the Picardinian Chariot
Which some call Cart (that carted wandring Coryal )
Whence, if we looke vp first our eye is meeting
How Coryate from the lew is Gentilly fleeting
Lest if he staid he should be made a Prapuce .
And so of men, the only womans Refuse
From whence looke vp, and next shall your beholders
See Coryate carryed on the Atlas sholders
Of such strong Porters as doe helpe men ouer
The Alpes , within a Chaire without a couer:
All which (exprest so farre past wits regality)
Doe shew the pow'r of Coryats singularity.
Then, on the top, but yet without the Vinet
He lyeth at the heeles of many a Ginnet
As then in stable stoode on points of litter,
To shew his lodging was as hard as bitter;
For, both together he (most senslesse) feeles there
And so on litter lyes he by the heeles there.
Right or'e against these proude braue Spanish stal lions
Is seene how he doth begge of Theeues Italians,
With cap in hand, and lowly genuflexion ,
Lest they should sincke him till the Resurrection:
So, shun'd the fatall handes of the Banditie
With wit that lackt not all of most almightie
Hold Muse , no more, vnlesse thou wilt be martyr'd
Within his world of fame that ne're was quarterd:
For, if thou seek'st in numbers to containe it,
T' will make thy browes sweate and thy nose to raine it
But though we cannot in this Frontispice
Number thy Stations , yet may we count-thy- lice ,
Which ( Tom ) from one that (roauing) had no refuge
Drop downe, to make the Glories flood a D ELVGE
Within which Flood my Musa (like a Diudapper .
In Fame'S wide mouth wagging my Pen , her clapper)
Is so ore-whelm'd, that as shee striues for more breath
The Flood engulphes her, and her wordes deuoureth
So fare well Tom (shee saies) great Natures wonder ,
I lye thy fume a thousand fathoms vnder:
For it preuailes aboue the Alpes ( high Mountaines! )
But when it ebbes , He spring in Castall Fountaines .
All to bewet the earth with streames of praises
Running to none but thee in fluent Phrases
Vntil I make a second Inundation ,
To wash thy purest fames Coinquination
And make it fit for finall Conflagration
So to preuent fell Enuies indignation
Explicit I winnes Dauis
Herefordiensis