Classic Poem

For sense they little owe to frugal Heav'n—
To please the Mob they hide the little giv'n.

I

K********* Wabsters, fidge an' claw,
 An' pour your creeshie nations;
An' ye wha leather rax an' draw,
 Of a' denominations;
Swith to the Laigh Kirk, ane an' a',
 An' there tak up your stations;
Then aff to B-gb—'s in a raw,
 An' pour divine libations
For joy this day.

II

Curst Common-sense, that imp o' h-ll,
 Cam in wi' Maggie Lauder;
But O******* aft made her yell,
 An' R***** sair misca'd her:
This day M‘******* taks the flail,
 An' he's the boy will blaud her!
He'll clap a shangan on her tail,
 An' set the bairns to daud her
Wi' dirt this day.

III

Mak haste an' turn king David owre,
 An' lilt wi' holy clangor;
O' double verse come gie us four,
 An' skirl up the Bangor:
This day the Kirk kicks up a stoure,
 Nae mair the knaves shall wrang her,
For Heresy is in her pow'r,
 And gloriously she'll whang her
Wi' pith this day.

IV

Come, let a proper text be read,
 An' touch it aff wi' vigour,
How graceless Ham leugh at his Dad,
 Which made Canaan a niger;
Or Phineas drove the murdering blade,
 Wi' wh-re-abhorring rigour;
Or Zipporah, the scauldin jad,
 Was like a bluidy tiger
I' th' inn that day.

V

There, try his mettle on the creed,
 And bind him down wi' caution,
That Stipend is a carnal weed
 He takes but for the fashion;
And gie him o'er the flock, to feed,
 And punish each transgression;
Especial, rams that cross the breed,
 Gie them sufficient threshin,
Spare them nae day.

VI

Now auld K*********, cock thy tail,
 An' toss thy horns fu' canty;
Nae mair thou 'lt rowte out-owre the dale,
 Because thy pasture's scanty;
For lapfu's large o' gospel kail
 Shall fill thy crib in plenty,
An' runts o' grace the pick an' wale,
 No gi'en by way o' dainty
But ilka day.

VII

Nae mair by Babel's streams we'll weep,
 To think upon our Zion;
And hing our fiddles up to sleep,
 Like baby-clouts a-dryin:
Come, screw the pegs wi' tunefu' cheep,
 And o'er the thairms be tryin;
Oh, rare! to see our elbucks wheep,
 And a' like lamb-tails flyin
Fu' fast this day!

VIII

Lang, Patronage, wi' rod o' airn,
 Has shor'd the Kirk's undoin,
As lately F-nw-ck, sair forfairn,
 Has proven to its ruin:
Our Patron, honest man! Gl*******,
 He saw mischief was brewin;
And like a godly, elect bairn,
 He's wal'd us out a true ane,
And sound this day.

IX

Now R******** harangue nae mair,
 But steek your gab for ever;
Or try the wicked town of A**,
 For there they'll think you clever;
Or, nae reflection on your lear,
 Ye may commence a Shaver;
Or to the N-th-rt-n repair,
 And turn a Carpet-weaver
Aff-hand this day.

X

M***** and you were just a match,
 We never had sic twa drones;
Auld Hornie did the Laigh Kirk watch,
 Just like a winkin baudrons:
And ay he catch'd the tither wretch,
 To fry them in his caudrons;
But now his Honor maun detach,
 Wi' a' his brimstone squadrons,
Fast, fast this day.

XI

See, see auld Orthodoxy's faes
 She 's swingein thro' the city!
Hark, how the nine-tail'd cat she plays!
 I vow it 's unco pretty:
There, Learning, with his Greekish face,
 Grunts out some Latin ditty;
And Common Sense is gaun, she says,
 To mak to Jamie Beattie
Her plaint this day.

XII

But there's Morality himsel,
 Embracing all opinions;
Hear, how he gies the tither yell,
 Between his twa companions!
See, how she peels the skin an' fell,
 As ane were peelin onions!
Now there, they're packed aff to h-ll,
 And banish'd our dominions,
Henceforth this day.

XIII

O happy day! rejoice, rejoice!
 Come bouse about the porter!
Morality's demure decoys
 Shall here nae mair find quarter:
M‘*******, R*****, are the boys
 That Heresy can torture;
They'll gie her on a rape a hoyse,
 And cowe her measure shorter
By th' head some day.

XIV

Come, bring the tither mutchkin in,
 And here 's, for a conclusion,
To ev'ry New-light mother's son,
 From this time forth, Confusion:
If mair they deave us wi' their din,
 Or Patronage intrusion,
We'll light a spunk, and, ev'ry skin,
 We'll rin them aff in fusion
Like oil, some day.