Classic Poem

A True Story

A brace of Sinners, for no good,
Were order'd to the Virgin Mary's shrine,
Who at Loretto dwelt, in Wax, Stone, Wood,
And in a fair white Wig look'd wondrous fine.

Fifty long miles had those sad Rogues to travel,
With something in their shoes much worse than gravel:
In short, their toes so gentle to amuse,
The Priest had order'd peas into their shoes;
A nostrum famous in old Popish times,
For purifying Souls that stunk of crimes;
A sort of Apostolic salt,
Which Popish parsons for its powers exalt,
For keeping Souls of Sinners sweet,
Just as our Kitchen-salt keeps Meat.

The Knaves set off on the same day,
Peas in their shoes, to go and pray;
But very different was their speed, I wot:
One of the Sinners gallop'd on,
Swift as a Bullet from a gun;
The other limp'd as if he had been shot.

One saw the Virgin soon; peccavi cried;
Had his Soul white-wash'd all so clever;
Then home again he nimbly hied,
Made fit with Saints above to live for ever.

In coming back, however, let me say,
He met his Brother-rogue about half-way,
Hobbling, with out-stretch'd bum and bending knees,
Damning the souls and bodies of the peas ;
His eyes in tears, his cheeks and brows in sweat,
Deep sympathizing with his groaning feet.

" How now," the light-toed, white-wash'd Pilgrim broke,
" You lazy lubber?" —
" Ods curse it," cried the other, " tis no joke:
My Feet, once hard as any Rock,
Are now as soft as Blubber.

" Excuse me, Virgin Mary, that I swear:
As for Loretto, I shall not get there;
No, to the Devil my sinful soul must go,
For damme if I ha'nt lost every toe.

" But, Brother-sinner, pray explain
How 'tis that you are not in pain;
What Power hath work'd a wonder for your toes:
Whilst I just like a snail am crawling,
Now swearing, now on Saints devoutly bawling,
While not a rascal comes to ease my woes?
" How is't that you can like a Greyhound go,
Merry as if that nought had happen'd, burn ye?" —
" Why," cried the other grinning, " you must know,
That just before I ventured on my journey,
To walk a little more at ease,
I took the liberty to boil my Peas."