Queen Elizabeth Interviewed
Your Representative has seen Miss Queen Elizabeth,
And talked with her of Marriage, Men and Mary Stuart's death.
'Twas one of great Eliza's Spacious Days; she said her say
At length, with point and heat — as always on a Spacious Day.
" That little red-head Stuart Minx, " began the noble Queen,
" The best day's work they ever did was amputate her bean!
The blank-blanked little Green Eyed Cat! By Priam and by Hek,
These royal hands of mine they ached to nick that woman's neck!
She wasn't Moral, kid! And as Walt Raleigh used to say,
Do what you d — — d well please, but do it in a Moral Way! "
She paused and drank a quart of ale, and then Her Majesty —
Without abating jot or tipple of her dignity —
Leaned from her gilded throne and shied the dripping tankard at
A lacy bishop's embonpoint , and knocked the varlet flat.
Encouraged by her playful mood, the somewhat jovial tone
That mingled so with majesty, as words wed to a lyre,
A Chancellor pushed up to her a thick north country squire:
" I knight you, Dub, " the Queen remarked, and smashed his collar bone.
The Queen is full of grace and charm and quaint, unstudied ways,
Especially on what are known as Liza's Spacious Days.
" 'Od's blood! " the Queen went on, " I've heard some blank-blanked whey-faced ginks
Have said I should have pardoned her; — but Mary was my Jinx!
By gad! " ... she banged the sceptre down and all the court turned pale ...
" The wight that mentions her is lucky if he goes to gaol!
That dame was always getting wed! She'd dress up like a horse
And flag a man and marry him! I think there's Something Coarse
In any blank-blanked Princess that has Marriage on her bean —
To hell with Men! I've stayed Refined ... I am the Virgin Queen!
The Earl of Essex used to say when he came here and dined,
" I gotta hand it to Your Grace! Your Grace is so Refined!" "
Your Representative, though trepidant, found heart to say:
" Your regal dad viewed Marriage in a rather different way. "
" Yes, Dad, " she said, " was crude and coarse, the time he reigned in, ruder —
I've got to raise the average for the whole d — — d House of Tudor! "
She broke a splinter from a stool that stood the throne beneath
And quite reflectively she picked her lovely yellow teeth ...
Those teeth of which her Poets sing: Oh, ivory and gold!
They shine like morning in her court! Ah, wondrous to behold ...
And as she picked the Regal Teeth, Lord Burleigh ambled by,
And, still reflectively, she flicked the splinter in his eye.
" In former times the kings cut up like butchers, bards or tanners,
But I have always tried to be a Model in my Manners.
The Earl of Leicester used to say when he dropped in to dinner,
" My Liege's daintiness alone would make My Liege a Winner!"
And also, please to state for me, I Patronize the Arts —
This whole damned palace here is cluttered up with Men of Parts.
As Walter Raleigh used to say ... when he came in to tea ...
" I gotta hand it to Your Grace for Cultured Ways," says he. "
Your Representative made haste to say — what is but true —
" Of all the Great I've interviewed, ne'er did I interview
A personage, Your Majesty, who had a thing on you! "
" Don't flatter now! " she said, and smiled: and as she smiled a sort
Of smiling sigh went whispering around the nervous court —
For something of anxiety shows in the courtier's gaze
When Great Elizabeth begins one of her Spacious Days.
Beaumont and Fletcher trotted up, and kneeling by her throne,
These Siamese Twins of Drama chanted in a dulcet tone
Their latest song in praise of her, the Great Elizabeth ...
Her moods are changeable ... she rose: " 'Od's blood! " she cried: " 'Od's Death! "
And snatching off her coronet, when Beaumont's mouth oped wide,
With more than female force she jammed the jewelled knob inside ...
And catching up his weapon from a drowsing halberdier
She poked it part in Fletcher's eye and partly in his ear ...
" Ye bean-fed rogues, " she said, " avaunt! Heraus! How didst thou dare
In thy blank-blank-ed song to say thy Queen had golden hair?
Hath it not been proclaimed to all, in village, thorpe and town,
That on last Michaelmas the Queen's long yellow hair turned brown? "
I thought it best to take my leave. " Your Majesty, " I said,
" Some monarchs would have had these beasts well boiled in oil instead. "
Whereon Sir Francis Walsingham said to Her Majesty:
" They got to hand it to Your Grace for kindly leniency! "
And talked with her of Marriage, Men and Mary Stuart's death.
'Twas one of great Eliza's Spacious Days; she said her say
At length, with point and heat — as always on a Spacious Day.
" That little red-head Stuart Minx, " began the noble Queen,
" The best day's work they ever did was amputate her bean!
The blank-blanked little Green Eyed Cat! By Priam and by Hek,
These royal hands of mine they ached to nick that woman's neck!
She wasn't Moral, kid! And as Walt Raleigh used to say,
Do what you d — — d well please, but do it in a Moral Way! "
She paused and drank a quart of ale, and then Her Majesty —
Without abating jot or tipple of her dignity —
Leaned from her gilded throne and shied the dripping tankard at
A lacy bishop's embonpoint , and knocked the varlet flat.
Encouraged by her playful mood, the somewhat jovial tone
That mingled so with majesty, as words wed to a lyre,
A Chancellor pushed up to her a thick north country squire:
" I knight you, Dub, " the Queen remarked, and smashed his collar bone.
The Queen is full of grace and charm and quaint, unstudied ways,
Especially on what are known as Liza's Spacious Days.
" 'Od's blood! " the Queen went on, " I've heard some blank-blanked whey-faced ginks
Have said I should have pardoned her; — but Mary was my Jinx!
By gad! " ... she banged the sceptre down and all the court turned pale ...
" The wight that mentions her is lucky if he goes to gaol!
That dame was always getting wed! She'd dress up like a horse
And flag a man and marry him! I think there's Something Coarse
In any blank-blanked Princess that has Marriage on her bean —
To hell with Men! I've stayed Refined ... I am the Virgin Queen!
The Earl of Essex used to say when he came here and dined,
" I gotta hand it to Your Grace! Your Grace is so Refined!" "
Your Representative, though trepidant, found heart to say:
" Your regal dad viewed Marriage in a rather different way. "
" Yes, Dad, " she said, " was crude and coarse, the time he reigned in, ruder —
I've got to raise the average for the whole d — — d House of Tudor! "
She broke a splinter from a stool that stood the throne beneath
And quite reflectively she picked her lovely yellow teeth ...
Those teeth of which her Poets sing: Oh, ivory and gold!
They shine like morning in her court! Ah, wondrous to behold ...
And as she picked the Regal Teeth, Lord Burleigh ambled by,
And, still reflectively, she flicked the splinter in his eye.
" In former times the kings cut up like butchers, bards or tanners,
But I have always tried to be a Model in my Manners.
The Earl of Leicester used to say when he dropped in to dinner,
" My Liege's daintiness alone would make My Liege a Winner!"
And also, please to state for me, I Patronize the Arts —
This whole damned palace here is cluttered up with Men of Parts.
As Walter Raleigh used to say ... when he came in to tea ...
" I gotta hand it to Your Grace for Cultured Ways," says he. "
Your Representative made haste to say — what is but true —
" Of all the Great I've interviewed, ne'er did I interview
A personage, Your Majesty, who had a thing on you! "
" Don't flatter now! " she said, and smiled: and as she smiled a sort
Of smiling sigh went whispering around the nervous court —
For something of anxiety shows in the courtier's gaze
When Great Elizabeth begins one of her Spacious Days.
Beaumont and Fletcher trotted up, and kneeling by her throne,
These Siamese Twins of Drama chanted in a dulcet tone
Their latest song in praise of her, the Great Elizabeth ...
Her moods are changeable ... she rose: " 'Od's blood! " she cried: " 'Od's Death! "
And snatching off her coronet, when Beaumont's mouth oped wide,
With more than female force she jammed the jewelled knob inside ...
And catching up his weapon from a drowsing halberdier
She poked it part in Fletcher's eye and partly in his ear ...
" Ye bean-fed rogues, " she said, " avaunt! Heraus! How didst thou dare
In thy blank-blank-ed song to say thy Queen had golden hair?
Hath it not been proclaimed to all, in village, thorpe and town,
That on last Michaelmas the Queen's long yellow hair turned brown? "
I thought it best to take my leave. " Your Majesty, " I said,
" Some monarchs would have had these beasts well boiled in oil instead. "
Whereon Sir Francis Walsingham said to Her Majesty:
" They got to hand it to Your Grace for kindly leniency! "
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