Classic Poem

A rich advowson, highly prized,
For private sale was advertised;
And many a parson made a bid;
The REVEREND SIMON MAGUS did.

He sought the agent's: " Agent, I
Have come prepared at once to buy
(If your demand is not too big)
The Cure of Otium-cum-Digge. "

" Ah! " said the agent, " THERE'S a berth —
The snuggest vicarage on earth;
No sort of duty (so I hear),
And fifteen hundred pounds a year!

" If on the price we should agree,
The living soon will vacant be;
The good incumbent's ninety five,
And cannot very long survive.

See — here's his photograph — you see,
He's in his dotage. " " Ah, dear me!
Poor soul! " said SIMON. " His decease
Would be a merciful release! "

The agent laughed — the agent blinked —
The agent blew his nose and winked —
And poked the parson's ribs in play —
It was that agent's vulgar way.

The REVEREND SIMON frowned: " I grieve
This light demeanour to perceive;
It's scarcely COMME IL FAUT, I think:
Now — pray oblige me — do not wink.

" Don't dig my waistcoat into holes —
Your mission is to sell the souls
Of human sheep and human kids
To that divine who highest bids.

" Do well in this, and on your head
Unnumbered honours will be shed. "
The agent said, " Well, truth to tell,
I HAVE been doing very well. "

" You should, " said SIMON, " at your age;
But now about the parsonage.
How many rooms does it contain?
Show me the photograph again.

" A poor apostle's humble house
Must not be too luxurious;
No stately halls with oaken floor —
It should be decent and no more.

" No billiard-rooms — no stately trees —
No croquet-grounds or pineries. "
" Ah! " sighed the agent, " very true:
This property won't do for you. "

" All these about the house you'll find. "
" Well, " said the parson, " never mind;
I'll manage to submit to these
Luxurious superfluities.

" A clergyman who does not shirk
The various calls of Christian work,
Will have no leisure to employ
These " common forms" of worldly joy.

" To preach three times on Sabbath days —
To wean the lost from wicked ways —
The sick to soothe — the sane to wed —
The poor to feed with meat and bread;

" These are the various wholesome ways
In which I'll spend my nights and days:
My zeal will have no time to cool
At croquet, archery, or pool. "

The agent said, " From what I hear,
This living will not suit, I fear —
There are no poor, no sick at all;
For services there is no call. "

The reverend gent looked grave, " Dear me!
Then there is NO " society"?
I mean, of course, no sinners there
Whose souls will be my special care? "

The cunning agent shook his head,
" No, none — except " — (the agent said) —
" The DUKE OF A., the EARL OF B.,
The MARQUIS C., and VISCOUNT D.

" But you will not be quite alone,
For though they've chaplains of their own,
Of course this noble well-bred clan
Receive the parish clergyman. "

" Oh, silence, sir! " said SIMON M.,
" Dukes — Earls! What should I care for them?
These worldly ranks I scorn and flout! "
" Of course, " the agent said, " no doubt! "

" Yet I might show these men of birth
The hollowness of rank on earth. "
The agent answered, " Very true —
But I should not, if I were you. "

" Who sells this rich advowson, pray? "
The agent winked — it was his way —
" His name is HART; 'twixt me and you,
He is, I'm grieved to say, a Jew! "

" A Jew? " said SIMON, " happy find!
I purchase this advowson, mind.
My life shall be devoted to
Converting that unhappy Jew! "