Classic Poem

Sardanapalus

Ode

1.

Happy, Great Prince! and so much happier thou
In that thou thine own Happiness did'st know!
Happy, who wast content with what thy wish Enjoy'd,
Nor valueds't this — what the whole World cou'd boast beside.
Restless Ambition ne'r Usurpt thy Mind,
To vex thy Pleasures, and disturb Mankind:
With gallant height of Soul, thou didst contemn
That Bauble Honor, and that Geugaw Fame,
And all the Undershrievalties of Life not worth a name!
With wiser choice, thy Judgment plac'd aright
In C-t its noble Innocent delight:
C-t was the Star that rul'd thy Fate,
C-t thy sole Bus'ness, and Affair of State,
And C-t the only Field to make thee Great:
C-t thy whole life's fair Center was, whither did bend
All thy Designs, and all thy Lines of Empire tend;
And C-t the sure unerring Card,
Which, plac'd at Helm, the mighty Vessel and its motion steer'd.

2.

Som Saucy Pedants, and Historians, idly Rail,
And thee Effeminate unjustly call:
How ill to him do they that Title give,
Who burnt himself, rather than be debar'd to swive?
Much of thy Ancestors they fondly prate,
By boasted Conquests, and rude War made Great:
Of Nimrod, Ninus , and Semiramis they tell;
Mean Heroes, who cou'd only Fight, and Vanquish well:
How to gain Empire did their Thoughts and Swords employ,
Which 'twas thy nobler Talent to Enjoy.
They now are Dust, as well as Thou,
Of Life, and all its Joys, bereft,
And nothing but their empty Mem'ries left,
An happiness which thou enjoyest too;
For thine as lasting in the Register of Fame shall be:
And where in Fame does the vast diff'rence lye,
T'have Fought, or F-k'd for Universal Monarchy?
3.

Methinks I see thee now in full Seraglio stand,
With Love's great Scepter in thy hand,
And over all its Spacious Realm thy Power extend:
Ten Thousand Maids lye prostrate at thy Feet,
Ready thy Pintle's high Commands to meet;
All C-ts of Honor, som of Queenly Breed,
That come to be Anointed with thy Royal Seed.
Here Eunuchs, thy wise Privy Counsellors, debate
In close Cabals, affairs of greatest weight,
Of Pego 's Conquests, and its deep Intrigues of State:
Plenipotentiaries of Great C-t, they here
Ambassages of high Importance bear:
Each day of new Alliances they come to Treat,
And for thy gracious Audience duly wait,
From Eastern Ganges, to th' Egyptian Clime
Where Nile its Courses has at certain time
And daubs the Fields with filthy Mud, and Menstruous Slime.
Far as wide Nature spreads her Thighs,
Thy Tarse's vast Dominion lyes:
All Womankind acknowledge its great Sway,
And all to its large Treasury their Tribute pay,
Pay Custom of their unprohibited Commodities.
No glorious Beauties, which profess the Trade,
Here find their noble Services unpaid;
Vast heaps of Gold, and piles of Gems lye by,
To recompence industrious Lechery.
One earns a Province with an artful Kiss;
Another justly merits Subsidies,
At whose blest touch Imperial Pego does vouchsafe to rise:
But happy she, and most of all rewarded is,
Who ever can invent new Motions to advance the Bliss.
All this thou dost with such wise Manage'ry bestow,
As does at once thy Bounty and Discretion show:
Nor dost thou e'r withhold thy Liberality,
Nor ever drain the vast Exchequer of thy Lechery.

4.

Thus did'st thou spend thy Dayes in blest Retreat,
Free from the Trouble, and Impertinence of State;
Exempt from all the vain Anxiety and Fear
Which other Sceptred Wretches wear:
None of the Rabble's Mutinies and Jars,
Or Senceless Grievances e'r reach'd thine Ears.
Still were they shut to all Complaints, but those of Love;
All, but the soft Remonstrances of the Alcove.
In vain the Railing Satyrs of the Age
Attack'd thee with Poetic Rage
They spread their loose Lampoons in vain,
And with Leud Wit thy Sacred Pintle did Profane:
With Kingly Gallantry they still were borne,
And still despis'd with Gene'rous Scorn:
Nor did it more avail
That babling Oracles thy Ruin did foretell,
And Boding Fools pretended Treachery reveal:
Secure of Danger, Death, and Hell,
Pego within kept awful and Regardless State,
And smil'd at all the Terrors of approaching Fate.

5.

Malicious Rebels idly did contrive
To stop thy course of Pleasure, idly did they strive
T'abridge thy Soveraign Pr-k's Prerogative:
In vain they did Essay
Unjustly to Depose it from its Rightful Sway:
In vain they urg'd the Impudent pretence
Of Laws, and Liberties, in their defence,
When thou that Royal Standard did'st advance:
Thrice did'st thou Conquer in thy Pintle's Cause,
Thrice did'st thou put to flight thy Vanquish'd Foes;
Till Fate grew envious at thy Happiness,
Revolted, and withdrew Success,
And did at last th'unjuster side Espouse.
What Loyal Subject cou'd forbear
To curse the Partial Gods, and spiteful Stars,
When by their Treachery thou abandon'd were,
The bravest Cause, and bravest Prince, that ever drew a Tarse?
Yet cou'd not all their Influence, or Malignant force,
From thy great purpose thee Divorce:
Fates, do your worst, said'st thou,
Our Pr-k shall Reign in spite of you:
Not all your Heav'n shall bribe me from Delight,
Nor all your Thunder from my Pleasure fright.
Sink Nations, Kingdoms perish, Empire fall,
One thrust in Charming C-t shall over ballance all.
If I must dye, Clasping my Joys I'll go,
And boldly Swive my Passage to the Shades below:
And through all Ages, all Posterity,
This my sole Glory shall Recorded be;
No Monarch ever F-kd, or Dy'd like Me.

6.

Great was the bold Resolve, and firm as Fate it stood;
And quick as Thought, thou did'st thy mighty Words make good:
At thy Command, in Inner Palace-yard,
A pompous Pile was strait magnificently rear'd.
Of costly Cedar were the Pillars made,
Their Shafts with Lust's Mosaic curiously inlaid:
Their Chapiters, with well carv'd Freeze and Cornice grac'd,
Bore gaping C — ts, with bossy Pintles interlac'd;
The Architraves were all of unctuous Pine,
Whose Lecherous Trunk spends clammy Turpentine,
Much fam'd of old, for use on Hymen 's night,
That serv'd the Lover to his Joyes to light:
In modern times more fam'd, and better known
For virtue of its Celebrated Gum,
For cure of Amorous Hurts in high Renown,
And well approv'd by all experienc'd Pr-ks in Christendom.
Atop, a Hundred Golden Beds were Spread;
All conscious marks of thy great Prowess bore,
All Dy'd a Thousand Times in Maiden gore,
Which thy victorious Lance in many a fierce Campaign had shed.
Around the walls, in distant Arches plac'd,
Stood Statues of thy glorious Punks deceas'd.
In Picture by, the brave Atchievements of thy Tarse,
Which Poets had Recorded in Immortal Verse:
Lust's gaudy Pageants, whose each lively Scene
Show'd the choice Artist's Mastery and Design
And far surpast the Wit of modern Aretine .
And over all, display'd, and waving to the Sun,
Thy Royal Arms, Priapus Rampant, was in Banner hung.

7.

Thither, intent on thy great End,
Thou did'st with awful Majesty ascend;
Where in the midst, on glorious Bed of State,
A Princely Maid for thy approach did wait:
Stretch'd out the willing Virgin lay, unbound,
Ready from thy kind Stroke to meet the gentle Wound.
An hundred more on the Surrounding Beds lay by,
All gallant Vent'rers in thy Destiny:
And of thy Race as many Princes too,
T'attend thy Fate, their Loyalty and Duty show.
By Order now, at the loud Trumpet's call,
The starting Pr-ks at once strive for the Goal;
All press, all act, what ever mortal Strength can do,
But none their mighty Soveraign outgo.
When thus in State thou'dst F-k'd awhile,
With dauntless Look, and a regardless Smile,
Thou bad'st 'em fire the Sacred Pile:
See, great Priapus , did'st thou cry,
Behold thy Zealous Votary,
Behold the mighty Hecatombs he Offers thee!
Much more thou woud'st have said; but the ascending Smoke
Broke off thy Pray'r and did its utt'rance choak.
Devouring Flames did strait succeed,
And now thy Lust's strange Fire-works play'd:
Here, glowing C-t, with flaming Beard,
Like blazing Meteor appear'd;
There, Pintle, squirting fiery Streams,
Like lighted Flambeau, spending Flames.
Thus Lechery's great Martyr, Revelling in Fire,
At every Pore dripping out Scalding Lust.
With all thy Strength collected in one Thrust
At gaping C-t, thou didst give up thy mighty Ghost,
And 'midst a Glorious heap of burning C-ts expire.