Classic Poem

A Man in rather an exalted station,
Whose eyes are always eyes of admiration;
Without distinction, fond of all things novel,
Even from the lofty Sceptre to the Shovel;
Just like stray'd Bullocks sauntering through the lanes,
Made frequent curiosity-campaigns:
Sometimes caught Grasshoppers; now, more profound,
Would sometimes find a Pin upon the ground;
Where if the head towards him happ'd to point,
His mind was wonderfully struck;
Indeed he felt a joy in every joint,
Because it always brings good luck.

This Gentleman, hight Solomon, one day
In quest of novelty pursued his way;
Like great Columbus, that famed navigator,
Who found the World we've lost across the water:
But rather on a somewhat narrow scale,
Lo! on dry land the Gentleman set sail.

That day it chanced to be his will,
To make discoveries at Salt-hill;
Where bounce he hopp'd into a Widow's house,
Whose hands were both employed so clever,
Doing their best endeavour
To catch that vile freebooter, Monsieur Mouse;
Whose death she oft did most devoutly pray for,
Because he ate the meat he could not pay for:

Resembling Christians in that saving trick;
Who, wanting to obtain good cheer,
Invented an ingenious scheme called tick ,
That purchases, like Money, beef and beer.
Possess'd of tick , for cash men need not range,
Nor toil in taking or in giving change.

Eager did Solomon so curious clap
His rare round optics on the wondrous Trap
That did the duty of a Cat;
And, always fond of useful information,
Thus wisely spoke he with vociferation:
" What's that? what, what? Hae, hae! what's that?"
To whom replied the Mistress of the house,
" A Trap, an't please you, Sir, to catch a Mouse." —

" Mouse! catch a mouse!" said Solomon with glee:
" Let's see, let's see; 'tis comical, let's see:
Mouse, mouse!" then pleased his eyes began to roll:
" Where, where doth he go in?" he marvelling cried. —
" There," pointing to the hole, the Dame replied. —
" What, here?" cried Solomon, " this hole, this hole?"

Then in he push'd his finger 'midst the wire;
That with such pains that finger did inspire,
He wish'd it out again with all his soul:
However, by a little squall and shaking,
He freed his finger from its piteous taking;
That is to say, he got it from the hole.

" What makes the Mouse, pray, go into the Trap?
Something," he cried, " that must his palate please?"
" Yes," answer'd the fair Woman, " Sir, a scrap
Of rusty bacon, or of toasted cheese." —

" Oh, oh!" said Solomon, " oh, oh! oh, oh!
Yes, yes, I see the meaning of it now:
The Mouse goes in, a rogue, to steal the meat,
Thinking to give his gums a pretty treat." —
Then laugh'd he loudly, stretched his mouth a mile;
Which made the muscles of the Widow smile.

" Let's see, let's see," cried Solomon; " let's see:
Let me, let me, let me, let me, let me,"
Then took he up some Bacon, and did clap
A little slice so clever in the Trap.
Thus did he, by his own advice,
Induce himself to bait a Trap for Mice.

Now home he hied so nimbly, whelm'd with glory,
And told his Family the wondrous story
About the Widow's cheese and bacon scrap:
Nought suffer'd he to occupy his head,
Save mouse-ideas, till he went to bed;
Where blest he dreamt all night about the Trap. — . . .

Next day the Man of Wisdom came,
All glorious, to the house of this fair Dame,
To know if Master Mouse had smelt the bacon;
When, lo! to fill with joy his eager eyes,
And load those staring optics with surprise,
A real Mouse was absolutely taken. . . .

Around the room the Mouse he bore,
Insulting the poor prisoner o'er and o'er;
Laughing and peeping through the wire,
As if his eyes and mouth would never tire.

How like to Tamerlane the Great,
Possess'd of most unlucky Bajazet,
Who kept the vanquish'd Hero in a cage;
Mock'd him before his mighty host,
With cruel names and threats, and grin and boast,
And daily thus indulg'd Imperial rage!

Now o'er the Widow's Cat, poor watching Puss,
He triumph'd too: and ask'd the Cat,
When he would act heroically thus;
And if he dared to venture on a Rat.

To whom the Cat, as if in answer, mew'd;
Which made the Man of Wisdom cry, " Oh, oh!"
As if, with knowledge of Cat-speech endued,
He thought that Puss had answered " No."
On which he laugh'd, and much enjoyed the joke;
Then told the Widow what the Cat had spoke.

Six days the Man of Wisdom went
Triumphant to Salt-hill, with big intent
To catch the bacon-stealing Mouse:
Six Mice successively proclaim'd his art;
With which safe-pocketed he did depart,
And show'd to all his much-astonish'd House.

But pleasures will not last for aye;
Witness the sequel of my Lay.
The Widow's vanity, her sex's flaw,
Much like the vanity of other people
(A vapour, like the Blast that lifts a Straw
As high, or higher, than Saint Martin's Steeple) —

This vanity then kidnapp'd her discretion,
Design'd by God Almighty for her guard;
And of its purpose got the full completion,
And all the Widow's future glories marr'd:

For, lo! by this same vanity impell'd,
And to a middle-siz'd balloon,
With gas of consequence, sublimely swell'd,
She burst with the important Secret soon.

Loud laugh'd the tickled people of Salt-hill:
Loud laugh'd the merry Windsor folks around.
This was to Solomon an ugly pill:
Her fatal error soon the Widow found;
For Solomon relinquish'd Mouse-campaign,
Nor deign'd to bait the Widow's Trap again.