Classic Poem

" A LTERNATELY in Anecdotes go on;
But first begin you, Madam," cried Sir John.
The thankful Dame low curtseyed to the Chair,
And thus, for victory panting, read the Fair: —

MADAME PIOZZI

Sam Johnson was of Michael Johnson born;
Whose shop of books did Litchfield town adorn:
Wrong-headed, stubborn as a halter'd Ram;
In short, the model of our Hero Sam:
Inclined to madness too; for when his shop
Fell down, for want of cash to buy a prop,
For fear the thieves might steal the vanish'd store
He duly went each night and lock'd the door.

BOZZY

While Johnson was in Edinburgh, my Wife
To please his palate, studied for her life:
With every rarity she fill'd her house,
And gave the Doctor, for his dinner, grouse.
...

MADAME PIOZZI

In Lincolnshire, a Lady showed our Friend
A Grotto, that she wish'd him to commend.
Quoth she, " How cool in summer this abode!" —
" Yes, Madam," answer'd Johnson; " for a toad ."

BOZZY

Between old Scalpa's rugged isle and Rasay's,
The wind was vastly boisterous in our faces:
'Twas glorious, Johnson's figure to set sight on;
High in the boat, he looked a noble Triton.
But, lo! to damp our pleasure Fate concurs,
For Joe (the blockhead!) lost his Master's spurs:
This for the Rambler's temper was a rubber,
Who wonder'd Joseph could be such a lubber.

MADAME PIOZZI

I ask'd him if he knock'd Tom Osborne down;
As such a tale was current through the town.
Says I, " Do tell me, Doctor, what befell." —
" Why, dearest Lady, there is nought to tell:
I ponder'd on the properest mode to treat him;
The dog was impudent, and so I beat him.
Tom, like a fool, proclaim'd his fancied wrongs;
Others that I belaboured, held their tongues."
Did any one, " that he was happy," cry;
Johnson would tell him plumply, 'twas a lie.
A Lady told him she was really so;
On which he sternly answer'd, " Madam, no.
Sickly you are, and ugly; foolish, poor;
And therefore can't be happy , I am sure.
'Twould make a fellow hang himself, whose ear
Were, from such creatures , forced such stuff to hear."
...

BOZZY

As at Argyle's grand house my hat I took,
To seek my alehouse, thus began the Duke:
" Pray, Mister Boswell, won't you have some tea?"
To this I made my bow, and did agree.
Then to the drawing-room we both retreated,
Where Lady Betty Hamilton was seated
Close by the Duchess; who, in deep discourse,
Took no more notice of me than a Horse. —
Next day, myself and Doctor Johnson took
Our hats, to go and wait upon the Duke.
Next to himself the Duke did Johnson place;
But I, thank God, sat second to his Grace.
The place was due most surely to my merits;
And, faith, I was in very pretty spirits.
I plainly saw (my penetration such is),
I was not yet in favour with the Duchess.
Thought I, " I am not disconcerted yet;
Before we part, I'll give her Grace a sweat ."
Then looks of intrepidity I put on,
And ask'd her if she'd have a plate of mutton.
This was a glorious deed, must be confess'd;
I knew I was the Duke's and not her guest.
Knowing (as I'm a man of tip-top breeding)
That great folks drink no healths while they are feeding;
I took my glass, and, looking at her Grace,
I stared her like a Devil in the face;
And in respectful terms, as was my duty,
Said I, " My Lady Duchess, I salute ye."
Most audible indeed was my salute,
For which some folks will say I was a Brute:
But faith, it dash'd her, as I knew it would;
But then, I knew that I was flesh and blood.
...

MADAME PIOZZI

Dear Doctor Johnson left off Drinks fermented;
With quarts of chocolate and cream contented:
Yet often down his throat's prodigious gutter.
Poor man! he poured a flood of melted butter.

BOZZY

With glee the Doctor did my Girl behold;
Her name Veronica, just four months old.
This name Veronica, a name though quaint,
Belonged originally to a Saint:
But to my old Great-grandam it was given,
As fine a woman as e'er went to Heaven;
And, what must add to her importance much,
This Lady's genealogy was Dutch.
The Man who did espouse this Dame divine,
Was Alexander, Earl of Kincardine;
Who poured along my Body, like a Sluice,
The noble, noble, noble blood of Bruce:
And who that own'd this blood could well refuse
To make the World acquainted with the news ?
But to return unto my charming Child:
About our Doctor Johnson she was wild;
And when he left off speaking, she would flutter,
Squawl for him to begin again, and sputter;
And to be near him a strong wish express'd:
Which proves he was not such a horrid Beast.
Her fondness for the Doctor pleased me greatly;
On which I loud exclaimed in language stately,
Nay, if I recollect aright, I swore ,
I'd to her fortune add five hundred more.

MADAME PIOZZI

One day, as we were all in talking lost,
My Mother's favourite Spaniel stole the toast;
On which immediately I screamed, " Fie on her."
" Fie, Belle," said I, " you used to be on honour." —
" Yes," Johnson cried; " but, Madam, pray be told,
The reason for the vice is, Belle grows old ."
But Johnson never could the Dog abide,
Because my Mother wash'd and comb'd his hide.
The truth on 't is, Belle was not too well bred,
But always would insist on being fed;
And very often too, the saucy Slut
Insisted upon having the first cut .

BOZZY

Last night much care for Johnson's Cold was used,
Who hitherto without his nightcap snooz'd .
That nought might treat so wonderful a man ill,
Sweet Miss MacLeod did make a Cap of Flannel;
And, after putting it about his head,
She gave him Brandy as he went to bed.

MADAME PIOZZI

The Doctor had a Cat, and christen'd Hodge,
That at his house in Fleet-street used to lodge.
This Hodge grew old, and sick; and used to wish
That all his dinners might be form'd of Fish.
To please poor Hodge, the Doctor, all so kind,
Went out, and bought him Oysters to his mind.
This every day he did; nor ask'd Black Frank,
Who deemed himself of much too high a rank,
With vulgar fish-fags to be forced to chat,
And purchase Oysters for a mangy Cat.

SIR JOHN

For God's sake stay each Anecdotic scrap;
Let me draw breath, and take a trifling nap.