Classic Poem

Ye Somervillian students, Ye ladies of St. Hugh's,
Whose rashness and imprudence Provokes my warning Muse,
Receive not with impatience, But calmly, as you should,
These simple observations — I make them for your good.

Why seek for mere diplomas, And commonplace degrees,
When now — unfettered roamers — You study what you please,
While man in like conditions Is forced to stick like gum
Unto the requisitions Of a curriculum ?

As far o'er field and fallow In flood-time spreads the Cher,
So wide (yet not so shallow) Your ample studies are;
As Cherwell's wave returning Flows from a scantier source,
So Man's restricted learning Is narrowed to a Course.

As when the sphere is fleeting Across th' extended net,
And Somerville 's competing With Lady Margaret,
As players at lawn-tennis Return alternate balls,
E'en such the lot of men is Who read for Greats and Smalls!

We bid them try — poor suitors — Yet still to fail condemn:
Examiners and tutors Make shuttlecocks of them:
Would you, as some of them are, Be constantly betwixt
The horns of a dilemma Uncomfortably fixt?

When Proctors fine and gate you, If walking through the town
In pupillari statu Without a cap and gown;
When gauds that now delight you Away you have to throw,
And sadly go vestitu In academico ;

When your untried impatience Is tested every day
By rules and regulations: When academic sway
Your study's space belittles, You'll find that life, I fear,
Is not completely skittles, Nor altogether beer.

What boots that countless letters Unto your name you add,
And strive to gild the fetters That cramp the undergrad?
Doomed to a Course that 's narrow Your recklessness you'll rue:
The toad beneath a harrow Will happier be than you!