LETTER XII .
A Modern Head -D RESS , with a little P OLITE C ONVERSATION .
What base and unjust Accusations we find
Arise from the Malice and Spleen of Mankind!
One would hope, my dear Mother, that Scandal would spare
The tender, the helpless, and delicate Fair;
But alas! the sweet Creatures all find it the Case,
That Bath is a very censorious Place.
Would you think that a Person I met since I came,
(I hope you'll excuse my concealing his Name)
A splenetic ill-natur'd Fellow, before
A Room full of very good Company, swore,
That, in spite of Appearance, 'twas very well known,
Their Hair and their Faces were none of their own;
And thus without Wit, or the least Provocation,
Began an impertinent formal Oration:
" Shall Nature thus lavish her Beauties in vain
" For Art and nonsensical Fashion to stain?
" The fair J EZEBELLA what Art can adorn,
" Whose Cheeks are like Roses that blush in the Morn?
" As bright were her Locks as in Heaven are seen.
" Presented for Stars by th' Egyptian Queen;
" But alas! the sweet Nymph they no longer must deck,
" No more shall they flow o'er her Ivory Neck;
" Some Runaway Valet, some outlandish Shaver
" Has spoil'd all the Honours that Nature has gave her;
" Her Head has he robb'd with as little Remorse
" As a Fox-Hunter crops both his Dogs and his Horse:
" A Wretch that, so far from repenting his Theft,
" Makes a Boast of tormenting the little that's left:
" And first at her Porcupine Head he begins
" To fumble and poke with his Irons and Pins,
" Then fires all his Crackers with horrid Grimace,
" And puffs his vile Rocambol Breath in her Face,
" Discharging a Steam, that the Devil would choak,
" From Paper, Pomatum, from Powder, and Smoke:
" The Patient submits, and with due Resignation
" Prepares for her Fate in the next Operation.
" When lo! on a sudden, a Monster appears,
" A horrible Monster, to cover her Ears;
" What Sign of the Zodiac is it he bears?
" Is it Taurus's Tail , or the Tete de Mouton ,
" Or the Beard of the Goat , that he dares to put on?
" 'Tis a Wig en Vergette , that from Paris was brought
" Un Tete comme il faut , that the Varlet has bought
" Of a Beggar, whose Head he has shav'd for a Groat:
" Now fix'd to her Head does he frizzle and dab it;
" Her Foretop's no more. — 'Tis the Skin of a Rabbit. —
" 'Tis a Muff. — 'tis a Thing that by all is confest
" Is in Colour and Shape like a Chaffinch's Nest.
" O cease, ye fair Virgins, such Pains to employ,
" The Beauties of Nature with Paint to destroy;
" See V ENUS lament, see the Loves and the Graces,
" How they pine at the Injury done to your Faces!
" Ye have Eyes, Lips, and Nose, but your Heads are no more
" Than a Doll's that is plac'd at a Milliner's Door. — "
I'm asham'd to repeat what he said in the Sequel,
Aspersions so cruel as nothing can equal!
I declare I am shock'd such a Fellow should vex,
And spread all these Lyes of the innocent Sex,
For whom, while I live, I will make Protestation
I've the highest Esteem and profound Veneration;
I never so strange an Opinion will harbour,
That they buy all the Hair they have got of a Barber:
Nor ever believe that such beautiful Creatures
Can have any Delight in abusing their Features.
One Thing tho' I wonder at much, I confess, is
Th'Appearance they make in their different Dresses,
For indeed they look very much like Apparitions
When they come in the Morning to hear the Musicians
And some I am apt to mistake, at first Sight,
For the Mothers of those I have seen over Night;
It shocks me to see them look paler than Ashes,
And as dead in the Eye as the Busto of N ASH is,
Who the Ev'ning before were so blooming and plump:
— I'm griev'd to the Heart when I go to the Pump;
For I take ev'ry Morning a Sup at the Water,
Just to hear what is passing, and see what they're a'ter:
For I'm told, the Discourses of Persons refin'd
Are better than Books for improving the Mind:
But a great deal of Judgment's requir'd in the skimming
The polite Conversation of sensible Women,
For they come to the Pump, as before I was saying,
And talk all at once, while the Music is playing:
" Your Servant, Miss F ITCHET , " " good Morning, Miss S TOTE ,
" My dear Lady R IGGLEDUM , how is your Throat?
" Your Ladyship knows that I sent you a Scrawl,
" Last Night to attend at your Ladyship's Call,
" But I hear that your Ladyship went to the Ball. "
" — Oh F ITCHET — don't ask me — good Heavens preserve,
" I wish there was no such a Thing as a Nerve;
" Half dead all the Night I protest and declare —
" My dear little F ITCHET , who dresses your Hair? —
" You'll come to the Rooms, all the World will be there.
" Sir T OBY M AC 'N EGUS is going to settle
" His Tea-drinking Night with Sir P HILIP O'K ETTLE . "
" I hear that they both have appointed the same;
" The Majority think that Sir P HILIP'S to blame;
" I hope they won't quarrel, they're both in a Flame:
" Sir T OBY M AC 'N EGUS much Spirit has got,
" And Sir P HILIP O'K ETTLE is apt to be hot. — "
" Have you read the Bath Guide , that ridiculous Poem?
" What a scurrilous Author! does nobody know him? "
" Young B ILLY P ENWAGGLE , and S IMIUS C HATTER ,
" Declare 'tis an ill-natur'd half-witted Satire. "
" You know I'm engag'd, my dear Creature, with you,
" And Mrs. P AMTICKLE , this Morning at Loo;
" Poor Thing! though she hobbled last Night to the Ball,
" To-Day she's so lame that she hardly can crawl;
" Major L IGNUM has trod on the first joint of her Toe —
" — That Thing they play'd last was a charming Concerto;
" I don't recollect I have heard it before;
" The Minuet's good, but the Jig I adore;
" Pray speak to Sir T OBY to cry out, Encore . "
Dear Mother I think this is excellent Fun,
But, if all I must write, I should never have done:
So myself I subscribe your most dutiful Son,
A Modern Head -D RESS , with a little P OLITE C ONVERSATION .
What base and unjust Accusations we find
Arise from the Malice and Spleen of Mankind!
One would hope, my dear Mother, that Scandal would spare
The tender, the helpless, and delicate Fair;
But alas! the sweet Creatures all find it the Case,
That Bath is a very censorious Place.
Would you think that a Person I met since I came,
(I hope you'll excuse my concealing his Name)
A splenetic ill-natur'd Fellow, before
A Room full of very good Company, swore,
That, in spite of Appearance, 'twas very well known,
Their Hair and their Faces were none of their own;
And thus without Wit, or the least Provocation,
Began an impertinent formal Oration:
" Shall Nature thus lavish her Beauties in vain
" For Art and nonsensical Fashion to stain?
" The fair J EZEBELLA what Art can adorn,
" Whose Cheeks are like Roses that blush in the Morn?
" As bright were her Locks as in Heaven are seen.
" Presented for Stars by th' Egyptian Queen;
" But alas! the sweet Nymph they no longer must deck,
" No more shall they flow o'er her Ivory Neck;
" Some Runaway Valet, some outlandish Shaver
" Has spoil'd all the Honours that Nature has gave her;
" Her Head has he robb'd with as little Remorse
" As a Fox-Hunter crops both his Dogs and his Horse:
" A Wretch that, so far from repenting his Theft,
" Makes a Boast of tormenting the little that's left:
" And first at her Porcupine Head he begins
" To fumble and poke with his Irons and Pins,
" Then fires all his Crackers with horrid Grimace,
" And puffs his vile Rocambol Breath in her Face,
" Discharging a Steam, that the Devil would choak,
" From Paper, Pomatum, from Powder, and Smoke:
" The Patient submits, and with due Resignation
" Prepares for her Fate in the next Operation.
" When lo! on a sudden, a Monster appears,
" A horrible Monster, to cover her Ears;
" What Sign of the Zodiac is it he bears?
" Is it Taurus's Tail , or the Tete de Mouton ,
" Or the Beard of the Goat , that he dares to put on?
" 'Tis a Wig en Vergette , that from Paris was brought
" Un Tete comme il faut , that the Varlet has bought
" Of a Beggar, whose Head he has shav'd for a Groat:
" Now fix'd to her Head does he frizzle and dab it;
" Her Foretop's no more. — 'Tis the Skin of a Rabbit. —
" 'Tis a Muff. — 'tis a Thing that by all is confest
" Is in Colour and Shape like a Chaffinch's Nest.
" O cease, ye fair Virgins, such Pains to employ,
" The Beauties of Nature with Paint to destroy;
" See V ENUS lament, see the Loves and the Graces,
" How they pine at the Injury done to your Faces!
" Ye have Eyes, Lips, and Nose, but your Heads are no more
" Than a Doll's that is plac'd at a Milliner's Door. — "
I'm asham'd to repeat what he said in the Sequel,
Aspersions so cruel as nothing can equal!
I declare I am shock'd such a Fellow should vex,
And spread all these Lyes of the innocent Sex,
For whom, while I live, I will make Protestation
I've the highest Esteem and profound Veneration;
I never so strange an Opinion will harbour,
That they buy all the Hair they have got of a Barber:
Nor ever believe that such beautiful Creatures
Can have any Delight in abusing their Features.
One Thing tho' I wonder at much, I confess, is
Th'Appearance they make in their different Dresses,
For indeed they look very much like Apparitions
When they come in the Morning to hear the Musicians
And some I am apt to mistake, at first Sight,
For the Mothers of those I have seen over Night;
It shocks me to see them look paler than Ashes,
And as dead in the Eye as the Busto of N ASH is,
Who the Ev'ning before were so blooming and plump:
— I'm griev'd to the Heart when I go to the Pump;
For I take ev'ry Morning a Sup at the Water,
Just to hear what is passing, and see what they're a'ter:
For I'm told, the Discourses of Persons refin'd
Are better than Books for improving the Mind:
But a great deal of Judgment's requir'd in the skimming
The polite Conversation of sensible Women,
For they come to the Pump, as before I was saying,
And talk all at once, while the Music is playing:
" Your Servant, Miss F ITCHET , " " good Morning, Miss S TOTE ,
" My dear Lady R IGGLEDUM , how is your Throat?
" Your Ladyship knows that I sent you a Scrawl,
" Last Night to attend at your Ladyship's Call,
" But I hear that your Ladyship went to the Ball. "
" — Oh F ITCHET — don't ask me — good Heavens preserve,
" I wish there was no such a Thing as a Nerve;
" Half dead all the Night I protest and declare —
" My dear little F ITCHET , who dresses your Hair? —
" You'll come to the Rooms, all the World will be there.
" Sir T OBY M AC 'N EGUS is going to settle
" His Tea-drinking Night with Sir P HILIP O'K ETTLE . "
" I hear that they both have appointed the same;
" The Majority think that Sir P HILIP'S to blame;
" I hope they won't quarrel, they're both in a Flame:
" Sir T OBY M AC 'N EGUS much Spirit has got,
" And Sir P HILIP O'K ETTLE is apt to be hot. — "
" Have you read the Bath Guide , that ridiculous Poem?
" What a scurrilous Author! does nobody know him? "
" Young B ILLY P ENWAGGLE , and S IMIUS C HATTER ,
" Declare 'tis an ill-natur'd half-witted Satire. "
" You know I'm engag'd, my dear Creature, with you,
" And Mrs. P AMTICKLE , this Morning at Loo;
" Poor Thing! though she hobbled last Night to the Ball,
" To-Day she's so lame that she hardly can crawl;
" Major L IGNUM has trod on the first joint of her Toe —
" — That Thing they play'd last was a charming Concerto;
" I don't recollect I have heard it before;
" The Minuet's good, but the Jig I adore;
" Pray speak to Sir T OBY to cry out, Encore . "
Dear Mother I think this is excellent Fun,
But, if all I must write, I should never have done:
So myself I subscribe your most dutiful Son,