96. Innocence

dear mother
I want you to know
that your baby girl isn’t a virgin anymore.
She’s been screwed by life, men
and even boys-
yes, she is that fragile.
I want you to know
that when you measure a millimetre
from her lips
you’re measuring a space
that has been invaded repeatedly
by hands, lips, lies
bittersweet pillow talks.
you’re measuring the space that has received
all her secrets as she spills them
from her mouth
and all her vulnerabilities
she has shown to those who have broken her.
I want you to know
that your little girl now knows
just how coke settles after you sniff it
and just how marijuana feels after you puff it.
She now knows the word ‘addiction’
can be used to refer to other things
except her phone and social media.
Even if she never remembers
after the liquor goes away
I want you to know she cries a lot.
Dear mother,
I want you to know all these things
so, when you see her cry
you know grades aren’t the only thing on her mind
and when she says
‘I don’t want to go to school today’
you may be open to see
she might not be running from the learning there
but from other things.
Dear mother,
I want you to know your daughter will always be
your baby girl.
the years separating you both will always make her
but as some point know she ceases to be one.
She ceases to be sheltered into you and from the world.
Dear mother,
I want you to know that just as you were young
and full of mistakes,
so is your daughter
but she is yet to grow from them as you have.
Help her, mother.
Don’t let her feel you are perfect,
how then can she tell you
she got knocked up by her boyfriend that you hated
or she’s been sniffing in more powder than she has
the aroma from your cooking
How can she tell you she’s scared
when she doesn’t feel you know what that means?
Please don’t just tell her to wipe tears
you don’t know the origin of.
let her cry the lake or the ocean beneath those eyes.
Because a day may come where she feels so alone
that some terrible choices may seem
more than what she could have found
when reaching out to people
close to her.
people like you who were once like her so much
that you birthed her
yet she feels so different,
so wrong.