Yet Again
You left me long ago
It felt like eight tentacles clutching my whole body
One of which dedicated to choke the breathe out of me
It was decades ago
Yet when something reminds me of it
It feels like it's still happening
And I descend to it
Into the loop of misery
Everything circling through me
And I circle through them
Until I, for decency's sake, for practicality's sake, shut it out
And move on
Until the next fix
I actually want it
I actually like it
For everytime I remember the unfortunate
I also am reminded of the sympathy we had
Is it really just sympathy we felt?
Sympathy for each other
Or was it... I dare not say it
I didn't say it
And you didn't either
*
I don't want to say I had no choice
I don't want to admit the reasons I had
I left because I wanted to
Because I needed to
I don't want to admit that I didn't get hurt
I don't want to admit that I actually cared
For once in my life, I did care
For someone
Of all people, you
Well you were worth it
You're rad and beautiful
I don't want to delve into that now
I tell myself that I left just because I wanted to
Leaving for leaving's sake
After all, I never shied away from darkness
I welcomed it and I bathe in it
*
And now we stand face to face
Like nothing happened
Because we need to get to the matter at hand
When it comes to people like us
We are always practical
And so I should not have been surprised
But that's for later
And now here we are
Done with the tasks of the day
So what now?
====================================
We had lit the flame again
We dared
We were ecstatic
We promised this time it's different
This time it is for real
We both believed
I genuinely believed
I think you did too
We reveled in every moment we had
We lived in the moment
We believed in the future
I cherished every second I had with you
I believed in a future of us
But now tables have turned
I now have my first dream
You always knew
You are only my second
You were fine with that
Because I have always been a second to you too
And I am fine with that
That's how we are, so why fight it?
And now I am leaving you
Not because I don't care
I do, more than I will admit
You gave me euphoria that sometimes eclipses my first dream
And how is that possible?
You are the only who can do that to me
Yet Again
But my first dream is my ultimate glee
And because I want my revenge, I am leaving you
I want you to feel what I felt
In your own way
I know you will
Also because, who are we to think of a future?
There's a future for me
There's a future for you
But there is no future for something called us
I will not admit that I second guess myself
Not to anyone
*
And so you left
I deserve it
I feel all the pain
I can't help myself but feel the pain
I believed before
I believed again
It is double the pain compared the first time I did the leaving
I should not be more crushed now
I should be thinking we are finally even
I should not care because we are the type of people
Who take because we can
And we always knew we are only each other's second
But the thing is, I care
For the second time in my life
I genuinely care
And it is because of you
Yet Again
===========
This poem is also posted on my AO3 account: http://archiveofourown.org/works/3850252