You will never be mine

I trace each raised scar, peppering self-doubt with kisses. Dismay crinkles in my eyes as shame sets in yours, I notice you can’t meet my gaze so I dip two fingers under your chin till I’m lost in the pain warped blue.

 
I try to find a way to put you at ease, but how can I teach someone to smell a rose if all I’ve been taught myself, is how to avoid the thorns. I’m silent in my reassurance, because I have none.
 
I wish you could see how beautiful you are to me, wish that could be all that mattered. If you could borrow my eyes for just a second and see the awe that captivates me when I look at you, then maybe we wouldn’t have to burn. 
 
I smirk in a place that has no room for joy; the tussled mess nestled on your head in typical disarray, your eyebrows quirk together in question to my humour.
 
I don’t tell you why, you don’t ask. My thumbs find a home in the hollow between your jutting hip bones, hot breath coming out in melody with yours as I sigh.
 
I know the answer to the one question I can’t ask, but I find myself unable to accept it. I long to tell you that it’s worth it, but the silence screams at me and I know my broken innocence is no match for the truth. 
 
You told me this is our punishment for sounding different, I want to scream you’re wrong but I don’t know how to stand up anymore. I’m losing the will to pretend that I still believe in us. 
 
Perfect lily white perfection hiding behind the bruises of another life, adding to the multitude of things I can’t take away. I never knew being this weak would be what made me whole.
 
I grasp your fingers in mine, and remember what it’s like to have a home. I see the sombre setting in your eyes; I know you’re thinking the same as me. How many longing looks will we share too far away, how many times will our hands quake to hold the others, how much longer can we survive pretending we never were.
 
My gaze lowers with yours, and we part. You are beautiful, but you will never be mine.