There was an Old Man of West Dumpet,
Who possessed a large nose like a trumpet;
When he blew it aloud, it astonished the crowd,
And was heard through the whole of West Dumpet.

I speak in you the word that gave you birth
Fear not I call you to attend my voice
Walk humbly on thy path lies through the earth
But thou shalt in the latter day rejoice
If thou to all hast spoken ever true
What thou hast heard from me who send you forth
For every secret thing is brought to view
When I before all men proclaim your worth
Speak boldly then for 'tis not you they hear
But him who in you speaks the living word
Nor those who kill the body need you fear
They cannot hear who have not of me heard

There was an Old Man of Three Bridges,
Whose mind was distracted by midges;
He sate on a wheel, eating underdone veal,
Which relieved that Old Man of Three Bridges.

My kingdom is within you seek it there
Ye shall not seek in vain who work within
You shall within it find the good and fair
The living spirits freed from death and sin
Thou canst not buy with gold and silver ore
The treasures that my kingdom can afford
They are for those who love me kept in store
And they who love me keep my holy word
Repent be quick to do what first thou did
There is but one the strait and narrow way
Fear not when thou art faint and must be chid
But only fear lest thou from me should stray

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, " Does it fit?" he replied, " Not a bit!"
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much, and their conduct was such,
That it killed that Old Man of the East.

There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, " I will scratch it" — they gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.

There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.

There was an old man of Tarentum,
Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'mdash:
—And when asked for the cost
—Of what he had lost,
Said, “I really can't tell, for I rent 'mdash!”

There was an Old Man of Spithead,
Who opened the window, and said, —
" Fil-jomble, fil-jumble, fil-rumble-come-tumble!"
That doubtful Old Man of Spithead.