Classic Poem

Unhappy they, who by their Duty led,
Are made the Partners of a hated Bed;
And by their Fathers Avarice or Pride,
To Empty Fops, or Nauseous Clowns are ty"d;
Or else constrain"d to give up all their Charms
Into an old ill-humour"d Husbands Arms,
Who hugs his Bags, and never was inclin"d
To be to ought besides his Money kind,
On that he dotes, and to increase his Wealth,
Wou"d Sacrifice his Conscience, Ease and Health,
Give up his Children, and devote his Wife,
And live a Stranger to the Joys of Life.
Who"s always positive in what is Ill,
And still a Slave to his imperious Will:
Averse to any thing he thinks will please,
Still Sick, and still in love with his Disease:
With Fears, with Discontent, with Envy curst,
To all uneasie, and himself the worst.
A spightful Censor of the present Age,
Or dully jesting, or deform"d with Rage.
These call for Pity, since it is their Fate;
Their Friends, not they, their Miseries create:
They are like Victims to the Alter led,
Born for Destruction, and for Ruine bred:
Forc"d to sigh out each long revolving Year,
And see their Lives all spent in Toil and Care.
But such as may be from this Bondage free,
Who"ve no Abridgers of their Liberty;
No cruel Parents, no imposing Friends,
To make "em wretched for their private Ends,
From me shall no Commiseration have,
If they themselves to barbarous Men inslave.
They"d better Wed among the Savage kind,
And be to generous Lyons still confin"d;
Or match"d to Tygers, who would gentler prove
Than you, who talk of Piety and Love,
Words, whose Sense, you never understood,
And for that Reason, are nor kind, nor good.

Parson . Why all this Rage? we merit not your hate;
"Tis you alone disturb the Marriage State:
If to your Lords you strict Allegiance pay"d,
And their Commands submissively obey"d:
If like wise Eastern Slaves with trembling Awe
You watch"d their Looks, and made their Will your Law,
You wou"d both Kindness and Protection gain,
And find your duteous Care was not in vain.
This, I advis"d, this, I your Sex have taught;
And ought Instruction to be call"d a Fault?
Your Duty was I knew the harder part;
Obedience being a harsh, uneasie Art:
The Skill to Govern, Men with ease can learn;
We"re soon instructed in our own Concern.
But you need all the Aid that I can give,
To make you unrepining Vassals live.
Heav"n, you must own, to you has been less kind,
You cannot boast our Steadiness of Mind,
Nor is your Knowledge half so unconfin"d;
We can beyond the Bounds of Nature see,
And dare to Fathom vast Infinity.
Then soar aloft, and view the Worlds on high,
And all the inmost Mansions of the Sky:
Gaze on the Wonders, on the Beauties there,
And talk with the bright Phantoms of the Air:
Observe their Customs, Policy and State,
And pry into the dark Intrigues of Fate:
Nay more than this, we Atoms can divide,
And all the Questions of the Schools decide:
Turn Falsehood into Truth, and Impudence to Shame,
Change Malice into Zeal, and Infamy to Fame,
Makes Vices Virtues, Honour but a Name.
Nothing"s too hard for our Almighty Sense,
But you, not blest with Phaebus influence,
Wither in Shades; with nauseous Dulness curst,
Born Fools, and by resembling Idiots Nurst.
Then taught to Work, to Dance, to Sing and Play,
And vainly trifle all your Hours away,
Proud that you"ve learn"t the little Arts to please,
As being incapable of more than these:
Your shallow Minds can nothing else contain,
You were not made for Labours of the Brain;
Those are the Manly Toils which we sustain.
We, like the Ancient Giants, stand on high,
And seem to bid Defiance to the Sky,
While you poor worthless Insects crawl below,
And less than Mites t"our exhalted Reason show.
Yet by Compassion for your Frailties mov"d,
I"ve strove to make you fit to be belov"d.

Sir John . That is a Task exceeds your utmost Skill,
Spite of your Rules, they will be Women still:
Wives are the common Nusance of the State;
They all our Troubles, all our Cares create,
And more than Taxes, ruin an Estate.
Wou"d they, like Lucifer , were doom"d to Hell,
That we might here without disturbance dwell,
Then we should uncontroul"d our Wealth imploy,
Drink high, and take a full Repast of Joy:
Damn Care, and bravely roar away our Time,
And still be busied in some noble Crime.
Like to the happier Brutes, live unconfin"d,
And freely chuse among the Female kind.
So liv"d the mighty Thunderer of old,
Lov"d as he pleas"d, and scorn"d to be controul"d:
No Kindred Names his Passion cou"d restrain:
Like him I"ll think all Nice Distinctions vain;
And tir"d with one, to a new Mistress fly,
Blest with the Sweets of dear Variety.

Melissa . To live at large a Punishment wou"d prove
To one acquainted with the Joys of Love.
Sincere Affection centers but in one,
And cannot be to various Objects shown.
Wou"d Men prove kind, respectful, just and true,
And unto us their former Vows renew,
They wou"d have then no Reason to complain,
But "till that time Reproofs will be in vain.
Some few perhaps, whom Virtue has refin"d;
Who in themselves no vicious Habits find,
Who sway"d by Reason, and by Honour led,
May in the thorny Paths of Duty tread;
And still unweary"d with your utmost Spight,
In the blest Euges of their Minds delight:
But still the most will their Resentment show,
And by deplor"d effects let you their Anger know.

Sir William . She"s in the right. They still wou"d virtuous prove,
Were they but treated with Respect and Love,
Your barbarous Usage does Revenge produce,
It makes "em bad, and is their just Excuse.
You"ve set "em Copies, and dare you repine,
If they transcribe each black, detested Line?

Parson . I dare affirm those Husbands that are ill,
Were they unmarried, wou"d be faultless still.
If we are cruel, they have made us so;
What e"er they suffer, to themselves they owe:
Our Love on their Obedience does depend,
We will be kind, when they no more offend.

Melissa . Of our Offences who shall Judges be?

Parson . For that great Work Heav"n has commission"d me.
I"m made one of his Substitutes below,
And from my Mouth unerring Precepts flow;
I"ll prove your Duty from the Law Divine,
Celestial Truth in my Discourse shall shine.
Truth drest in all the Gaieties of Art,
In all that Wit can give, or Eloquence impart.
Attend, attend, the August Message hear,
Let it imprint a reverential Fear.
"Twill on your Mind a vital Influence have,
If while I speak, you"re Silent as the Grave.
The sacred Oracles for deference call,
When from my Oily Tongue they smoothly fall.
First, I"ll by Reason prove you should obey,
Next, point you out the most compendious way,
And then th" important Doctrine I"ll improve,
These are the Steps by which I mean to move.
And first, because you were by Heav"n design"d
To be the Comforts of our Nobler Kind:
For us alone with tempting Graces blest,
And for our Sakes by bounteous Nature drest.
With all the choicest Beauties of her Store,
And made so fine, that she cou"d add no more.
And dare you now, as if it were in Spight,
Become our Plagues, when form"d for our Delight?
Consider next, we are for you accurst,
We sinn"d, but you, alas! were guilty first.
Unhappy Eve unto her Ruin led,
Tempted by Pride, on the bright Poyson fed;
Then to her thoughtless Husband gave a Part,
He eat, seduc"d by her bewitching Art.
And "twas but just that for so great a Fault
She shou"d be to a strict Subjection brought;
So strict, her Thoughts should be no more her own,
But all subservient made to him alone.
Had she not err"d, her Task had easie been,
He ow"d his change of Humour to her Sin.
From that unhappy Hour he Peevish grew;
And she no more of solid Pleasure knew.
His Looks a sullen Haughtiness did wear,
And all his Words were Scornful, or Severe;
His Mind so rough, Love could not harbour there.
The gentle God in hast forsook his Seat,
And frighted fled to some more soft Retreat:
His Place was by a thousand Ills possest,
The crouding Daemons throng"d into his Breast,
And left no Room for tender Passions there:
His Sons with him in the sad Change did share.
His Sourness soon Hereditary grew;
And its Effects are still perceiv"d by you.
With all your Patience, all your Toil and Art,
You scarce can keep the surly Husband"s Heart.
Your Kindness hardly can Esteem create;
Yet do not blame him, since it is his Fate:
But on your Mother Eve alone reflect;
Thank her for his Moroseness and Neglect:
Who with a fond indulgent Spouse being blest,
And like a Mistress Courted, and Carest,
Was not contented with her present State,
But must her own Unhappiness create;
And by ill Practices his Temper spoil,
And make what once was easie, prove a Toil.
If you wou"d live as it becomes a Wife,
And raise the Honour of a marry"d Life,
You must the useful Art of wheedling try,
And with his various Humours still comply:
Admire his Wit, praise all that he does do,
And when he"s vex"d, do you be pettish too:
When he is sad, a cloudy Aspect wear,
And talk to him with a dejected Air:
When Rage transports him, be as mad as he.
And when he"s pleas"d, be easie, gay and free.
You"ll find this Method will effectual prove,
Inhance your Merit, and secure his Love.

Sir John . It wou"d: But Women will be Cross and Proud;
When we are merry, Passionate and Loud:
When we are angry, then they frolick grow,
And Laugh, and Sing, and no Compliance show.
In Contradictions they alone delight,
Are still a Curse, and never in the Right.
By Heav"n I"d rather be an Ape, or Bear,
Or live with Beggers in the open Air,
Expos"d to Thunder, Lightning, Want and Cold,
Than be a Prince, and haunted with a Scold.
Those noisie Monsters much more dreadful are,
Than threatning Comets, Plagues, or bloody War.
Grant Providence (if such a Thing there be)
They never may from Hoarsenesses be free.
May on their Tongues as many Blisters grow
As they have Teeth: and to increase their Woe,
Let their Desires by Signs be still convey"d,
And talking be for ever Penal made.

Parson . Hold, hold: I can"t these Interruptions bear;
If you don"t me, these sacred Truths revere.
Now, Madam, I"ll instruct you to obey,
And as I promis"d, point you out the way.
First, to your Husband you your Heart must give,
He must, alone in your Affection live.
What e"er he is, you still must think him blest,
And boast to all that you are truely blest;
If Fools should laugh, and cry "tis but a Jest,
Yet still look Grave, and vow you are Sincere,
And undisturb"d their ill-bred Censures bear.
Do what you can his Kindness to ingage,
Wink at his Vices, and indulge his Rage.
How vain are Women in their youthful Days,
How fond of Courtship, and how proud of Praise,
What Arts they use, what Methods they devise,
To be thought Fair, Obliging, Neat and Wise.
But when they"re marry"d, they soon careless grow,
Neglect their Dress, and no more Neatness show:
Their Charms are lost, their Kindness laid aside,
Smiles turn"d to Frowns, their Wisdom into Pride,
And they or Sullen are, or always Chide.
Are these the ways a Husband"s Love to gain?
Or won"t they rather-heighten his Disdain?
Make him turn Sot, be troublesome and sad,
Or if he"s fiery, Cholerick and Mad.
Thus they their Peace industriously destroy,
And rob themselves of all their promis"d Joy.
Next, unto him you must due Honour pay,
And at his Feet your Top-knot Glories lay;
The Persian Ladies Chalk you out the way:
They humbly on their Heads a Foot do wear,
As I have Read, but yet the Lord knows where:
That Badge of Homage graceful does appear,
Wou"d the good Custom were in fashion here.
Also to him you inward Reverence owe;
If he"s a Fool, you must not think him so;
Nor yet indulge one mean contemptuous Thought,
Or fancy he can e"re commit a Fault.
Nor must your Deference be alone confin"d
Unto the hid Recesses of your Mind,
But must in all your Actions be display"d,
And visible to each Spectator made.
With him, well pleas"d, and always chearful live,
And to him still respectful Titles give.
Call him your Lord, and your good Breeding show,
And do not rudely too familiar grow:
Nor like some Country Matrons call him Names,
As John , or Geffrey, William, George or James;
Or what"s much worse, and ne"re to be forgot,
Those courser Terms of Sloven, Clown, or Sot;
For tho" perhaps they may be justly due,
Yet must not, Madam, once be spoke by you:
Soft winning Language will become you best;
Ladies ought not to Rail, tho" but in Jest.
Lastly, to him you Fealty must pay,
And his Commands without dispute obey.
A blind Obedience you from Guilt secures,
And if you err, the Fault is his, not yours.
What I have taught you, will not tiresom prove,
If as you ought, you can but truely love:
Honour and Homage then no Task will be;
And we shall, sure, as few ill Husbands see,
As now good Wives: They"l Prodigies appear,
Like Whales and Comets, shew some Danger near.
Now to Improvement I with hast will run,
Be short in that, and then my Work is done.
To you, Sir, First, I will my self apply,
To you, who are more fortunate than I,
And yet are free from the dire Gordian Tye.
You that Religion ought to love, and praise,
Which does you thus above the Females raise;
Next me admire, who can such Comments make,
And kindly wrest the Scripture for your Sake:
And now if you dare try a marry"d State,
You"l have no Reason to accuse your Fate,
Since I have told "em, if they"ll be good Wives,
Thy must Submit, and flatter all their Lives,
You, who already drag the Nuptial Chain,
Will now have no occasion to complain,
Since they beyond their Sphere no more will towr,
But for the future own your Sovereign Pow"r:
And being indue"d by this Advice of mine,
To you their Sense and Liberty resign:
Turn Fools and Slaves, that they the more may please.
Now it is fit for Gifts so vast as these,
We should some little Gratitude express,
And be more Complaisant in our Address:
Bear with their Faults, their weaknesses of Mind,
When they are Penitent, we shou"d be kind.
And that their Faith we may the more secure,
For them some Inconveniencies indure:
When they"re in Danger, their Defenders prove;
"Twill shew at once, our Valour, and our Love.
But let it be our more immediate Care
To make "em these unerring Rules revere.
Bid "em attentively each Precept read;
And tell "em, they"re as holy as their Creed:
Besure each Morning "ere they Eat or Pray,
That they with Care the sacred Lesson say:
This, will our Quiet, and their Souls secure,
And both our Happiness, and theirs ensure.
I on their Duty cou"d with ease inlarge,
But I would not too much their Memories charge:
They"re weak, and shou"d they over-loaden be,
They"ll soon forget what has been said by me;
Which Heav"n avert! since it much Thought has cost,
And who wou"d have such wond"rous Rhetorick lost?

Melissa . A Mouse the labouring Mountain does disclose,
What rais"d my Wonder, my Derision grows.
With mighty Pomp you your Harangue begun,
And with big Words my fixt Attention won.
Each studied Period was with Labour wrought,
But destitute of Reason and of Thought.
What you meant Praise upon your selves reflects,
Each Sentence is a Satyr on your Sex.
If we on you such Obloquies had thrown,
We had not, sure, one peaceful Minute known:
But you are Wise, and still know what is best,
And with your selves may be allow"d to Jest.

Parson . How dare you treat me with so much neglect?
My sacred Function calls for more Respect.

Melissa . I"ve still rever"d your Order as Divine;
And when I see unblemish"d Vertue Shine,
When solid Learning, and substantial Sense,
Are joyn"d with unaffected Eloquence;
When Lives and Doctrines of a Piece are made,
And holy Truths with humble Zeal convey"d;
When free from Passion, Bigottry and Pride,
Not sway"d by Interest, nor to Parties ty"d,
Contemning Riches, and abhorring Strife,
And shunning all the noisie Pomps of Life,
You live the aweful Wonders of your Time,
Without the least suspicion of a Crime:
I shall with Joy the highest Deference pay,
And heedfully attend to all you say.
From such, Reproofs shall always welcome prove,
As being th" Effects of Piety and Love.
But those from me can challenge no Respect,
Who on us all without just Cause reflect:
Who without Mercy all the Sex decry,
And into open Defamations fly:
Who think us Creatures for Derision made,
And the Creator with his Work upbraid:
What he call"d Good, they proudly think not so,
And with their Malice, their Prophaneness show.
"Tis hard we should be by the Men despis"d,
Yet kept from knowing what wou"d make us priz"d:
Debarr"d from Knowledge, banish"d from the Schools,
And with the utmost Industry bred Fools.
Laugh"d out of Reason, jested out of Sense,
And nothing left but Native Innocence:
Then told we are incapable of Wit,
And only for the meanest Drudgeries fit:
Made Slaves to serve their Luxury and Pride,
And with innumerable Hardships try"d,
Till Pitying Heav"n release us from our Pain,
Kind Heav"n to whom alone we dare complain.
Th" ill-natur"d World will no Compassion show;
Such as are wretched, it wou"d still have so:
It gratifies its Envy and its Spight;
The most in others Miseries take Delight.
While we are present they some Pity spare,
And Feast us on a thin Repast of Air:
Look Grave and Sigh, when we our Wrongs relate,
And in a Complement accuse our Fate:
Blame those to whom we our Misfortunes owe,
And all the Signs of real Friendship show.
But when we"re absent, we their Sport are made,
They fan the flame, and our Oppressors aid;
Joyn with the Stronger, the victorious Side,
And all our Suff"rings, all our Griefs deride.
Those generous Few, whom kinder Thoughts inspire,
And who the Happiness of all desire;
Who wish we were from barbarous Usage free,
Exempt from Toils, and shameful Slavery,
Yet let us unreprov"d, mispend our Hours,
And to mean purposes imploy our nobler Pow"rs.
They think if we our Thoughts can but express,
And know but how to Work, to Dance and Dress,
It is enough, as much as we should mind,
As if we were for nothing else design"d,
But made, like Puppers, to divert Mankind.
O that my Sex would all such Toys despise;
And only Study to be Good, and Wise:
Inspect themselves, and every Blemish find,
Search all the close Recesses of the Mind,
And leave no Vice, no Ruling Passion there,
Nothing to raise a Blush, or cause a Fear:
Their Memories with solid Notions fill,
And let their Reason dictate to their Will.
Instead of Novels, Histories peruse,
And for their Guides the wiser Ancients chuse,
Thro" all the Labyrinths of Learning go,
And grow more humble, as they more do know.
By doing this, they will Respect procure,
Silence the Men, and lasting Fame secure;
And to themselves the best Companions prove,
And neither fear their Malice, nor desire their Love.