Classic Poem

ACT . V. S CEN . IV.

Sir Thomas Bitefig, Meanwell, Constable, Watchmen.

Sir Tho . What gone? upon my life they did mistrust.
Mean . They are so beaten that they smell an Officer,
As Crows do Powder.
Sr Tho . Watchman call you forth
The Mistris of the house, Imprimis , for
They have their lurking hole near hand most certain.
Mo. Denuncio vobis gaudium magnum ,
Robertus de Tinea electus est in sedem Hospitalem,
Et assumit sibi nomen Galfridi.
Joy comes to our house. I Robert Moth am
Chesen into thylk Hospitall seat,
Thylk Bason of Jone Potluck, Vintner Widow,
And do transmue my name to Giffery.
New foysons byn ygraced with new Titles.
Come buss.
Pot . Fie! Mr Giffery I swear
You make in asham'd 'fore all this Company.
Sir Tho . Sir, if you be the Master of this house,
You've harbor'd here a company of cheating Villains,
Which we are come to apprehend.
Pot . Pray y' look,
Search every Corner, here's no cheats. I'm sure
The house was clear before your Worship entred.
Con . Make fast the Door for fear they do escape.
Let's in and ferret out these cheating Rakehels.
1 Watch. 'Tis very certain they are not in the house.
Sr Tho. They had no time to get away.
Hear. Why then,
It may be being they are such cunning Fellows,
They have the trick of going invisible.
2 Watch. There's no place left unsearch'd but Pots and Mouseholes.
Slic. They're either gone or in the House that's certain.
2 Watchm. That cannot be; the Doors were shut I'm sure,
And so they could not get out; the Rooms then are
All search'd, and so they cannot be within.
Slic. I'l lay my neck to a farthing, then they're vanish'd.
Hear. Sunk like the Queen, they'l rise at Queenhive sure.
Sha. Most certain these are two of them: for this
Old Knave, I'l take my Oath that he is one.
Con. Confess, confess, where are your other Comrads?
Cre. I am as honest as the skin that is
Between thy Brows?
Con. What skin between my Brows?
What skin thou knave? I am a Christian;
And what is more, a Constable; what skin?
Sr Tho. You are mistaken friends.
Con. I cry you mercy.
Sha. The Constable may call you any thing
In the Kings name upon suspicion.
Sr Tho. We're cheated friends; these men o'th' Ordnary
Have gull'd us all this while, and now are gone.
Cast. I am undon. Ne'r let me live if that
I did not think th' would gull me, I perceive
Fansie doth much; see how 'tis come to pass.
Cred. Where is my Son God blesse him? where is Andrew ?
Pray God they have not taken him along;
He hath a perilous wit to be a cheat;
He'd quickly come to be his Majesties Taker.
Con. I took one Andrew Credulous this morning
In dishonest Adultery with a Trull.
And if he be your Son he is in Prison.
Cred. Their villany o' my life: Now as I am
A Freeman and a Grocer, I had rather
Have found forty pounds; I pray go fetch him.
Sr Tho. I'm sorry that your Son takes these lewd courses:
He is not fit to make a Husband of.
Cre. Do not condemn before you hear. I'l warrant
Though he be guilty yet hee's innocent.
Mo. Hent him, for dern love Hent him; I done drad
His Visage foul yfrounct, with glowing eyn.
Have. I come t' excuse my ruder usage of you.
I was in drink when that I did it; 'twas
The Plot of those base Knaves, I hear are gone,
To teach me valour by the strength of Wine;
Naming that courage which was only fury.
It was not wilfully.
Mo. I do not reche
One bean for all. This Buss is a blive guerdon.
Hence Carlishnesse yferre. 'Tis a sooth saw,
Had I but venged all mine herme,
Mine Cloak had not been furred half so werme.
Cre. Now Sir you shall hear all. Come Andrew tell me,
How camst thou hither?
An. Truly Mr Meanwel
Told me that I should meet with M rs Jane ,
And there I found her Chamber-maid.
Cre. D'y see?
Your Chamber-maid Sir Thomas ; out you whore.
An. Take heed what you say Father, shee's my wife.
Cre. I would thou'rt in thy grave, then 'twere the better
Fortune o'th' two.
Pris. Indeed this reverend Man
Joyn'd us i'th' Prison.
Chr. Marriage is a Bond,
So no place fitter to perform it in.
Sr Tho. Send for my Daughter hither, wee'l know all.
What are you Sir?
Chr. A workman in the Clergie.
Con. Yes, this is one I took at th' Window singing,
With these three other vagrant Fellows here.
Chri. I was in body there, but not in mind,
So that my sin is but inchoately perfect,
And I though in a fault did not offend,
And that for three reasons. First, I did yield
Only a kind of unwilling consent.
Secondly, I was drawn as twere by their
Impulsive gentleness. Mark Sir I'm strong.
Thirdly, I deem'd it not a womans-shambles:
Fourthly and lastly, that I sung was only
An holy wish. Once more Beloved
Sr Tho. Peace!
Y'have said enough already. How came you
To sing beneath the Window?
Rime. Mr Hearsay
Told us that Mr Meanwell was new married,
And thought it good that we should gratifie him,
And shew our selves to him in a Fescennine.
Cre. That Raskall Meanwel was the cause of all,
I would I had him here.
Sr Tho. Why? this is he,
Sr Robert Littleworth his Son, he hath
Disclos'd their vilanies; he is no cheat.
Mean. God save you Mr Credulous ; you have
Forgotten me perhaps, I'm somewhat chang'd.
You see your lost man's found; your Vagabond
Appears at last.
Cre. Go, you are a gibing scab:
Leave off your flouting; you're a beardless Boy;
I am a Father of Children.
Mean. And your Son,
Will be so shortly, if he han't ill luck.
To vex you more, that hundred pounds you sent
To Mr Caster, Shape i'th' habit of
A Country fellow gull'd you of.
Cred. That Raskall;
Thou shewst thy wit't abuse an old man thus.
As God shall mend me I will hamper thee.
Thou'st been disguis'd here all this while, thou hast;
Would I were braid in mine own morter, if
I do not call th' in Question the next Terme
For counterfeiting of the Kings Subjects.
Come away from him Sirrah, come along.
Mean. There's a Trunk they've left behind; I have
Seiz'd it for you; so that you'l be no loser.
Sir Tho. If you can find a way whereby I may
Reward this courtesie of yours, I shall
Confess my self engaged doubly to you,
Both for the benefit and its requitall.
Mean. The appearance of your Daughter here suggests
Something to ask, which yet my thoughts call boldness.
Sir Tho. Can she suggest yet any good, that is
So expert grown in this flesh Brokery?
Mean. O do not blot that Innocence with suspicion,
Who never came so neere a blemish yet,
As to b' accus'd. To quit you of such thoughts
I did receive a tempting letter from
That Strumpet that's gone out (as sin is bold
To try even where no hope is). I made promise,
But to secure my self, and withall sound
Th' affections of young Credulous unto
Your vertuous Daughter, told him he should meet her
Your vertuous Daughter, told him he should meet her
Where I agreed to meet her Chambermaid.
The blame must all be mine.
Sr Tho. 'Tis her deliverance.
Shee hath escap'd two Plagues, a lustfull fool.
Mean. I dare not challenge her I do confess.
As a reward due to my service, and
If you deny her me, assure your self
I'l never draw her from obedience:
I will not love her to procure her ruine,
And make m' affection prove her Enemy.
Sr Tho. You speak most honestly, I never did
Think ill of your intents, but alwaies gave
A testimony to your life as large
As were your merits. But your fortunes are
Unequal, there's the want.
Mean. What's there defective
Love shall supply: True, Mr Credulous
Is a rich man, but yet wants that which makes
His riches usefull, free discretion.
He may be something in the Eye o'th' World;
But let a knowing man that can distinguish
Between Possessions, and good parts, but view him,
And prize impartially, he will be rated
Only as Chests, and Caskets, just according
To what he holds. I valew him, as I
Would an Exchequer, or a Magazine.
He is not vertuous, but well stor'd, a thing
Rather well victuall'd then well qualified.
And if you please to cast your Eye on me,
Some moneys will call back my Fathers Lands
Out of his lime-twig fingers, and I shall
Come forth as gay as he.
Sr Tho. I'l strive no longer
For fear I seem t' oppose felicity.
If shee'l give her consent y' are one.
Jan. It is
The voice of Angels to me: I had thought
Nothing in all the store of nature could
Have added to that love, wherewith I do
Reverence that name, my Father, till that you
Spoke this.
Sir Tho. I know your former Loves; grow up
Into an aged pair, yet still seem young.
May you stand fresh, as in your Pictures still,
And only have the reverence of the Aged.
I thank you for your pains Mr. Constable,
You may dismiss your Watch now.
Sha. A pox on't!
That after all this ne'r a man to carry
To Prison? must poor Tradesmen be brought out
And no body clap'd up?
Mean. That you mayn't want
Employment, friends take this I pray and drink it.
Sli. Sir, when y'are cheated next we are your servants —