Classic Poem

Whereas, it is the fashion ever,
That WE , the carriers , do endeavour,
On New-Year's day to greet our friends,
In lines, which gingle at their ends;
In nice conformity to custom,
We'll try a few, as we can muster 'em.

Astride our Pegasean hack,
We scale Parnassus in a crack!
Well, having featly scrambled up,
The giddy eminence's top,
We are not much below, if any,
The highest ridge of Alleghany;
And in a proper situation
To take a survey of the nation;
Are plac'd above, you understand,
The tip top gentry of the land,
The rich, the proud, the gay, voluptuous,
Of course are all bound to look up to us.

While our quick eye, poetick ranges,
To glance at all that new or strange is,
We ken, throughout our wide dominion,
Vast revolutions in opinion! —
Among our democrats, the heads
Inclin'd to be, in substance , feds,
Although, to save themselves, no doubt,
Disgrace of having wheel'd about ,
These artful gentlemen would claim,
The privilege of some other name.
We hope the time will come, ere long,
They'll own with candour they've been wrong ,
And listing under federal leaders,
Reverse their crazy late procedures.

Our president, in last address,
Cook'd up, I ween, the queerest mess,
Which you'll allow, to say no more,
" Oppugnates " what he's said before,
Which looks as if some fluctuation,
Clouded the councils of the nation.
One day, we're told our nation's trust is
Plac'd altogether on its justice,
Next day we learn, with great alarm,
Our en'mies we must try to " harm , "
And, though the strife's " unprofitable , "
Hit them as hard as we are able.
Thus, in the Odyssey, we're told,
One Dame Penelope of old,
At night unravell'd, in a jerk,
The fruits of many a hard day's work.
It seems our government believe us
By nature prone to be mischievous,
And therefore, lest we should be venomous,
Strip us of means to harm our enemies; —
Would have our fam'd Columbian eagle,
As harmless as a simple sea-gull;
And lest he hurt folks, in a freak,
Would slit his talons — break his beak.
Though this, in seeming quiet born,
He sits like Sampson, to be shorn —
Let them beware, for we announce,
'Tis ten to one he'll make a pounce,
To sweep off Madison's whole troop,
And Giles's gang, " at one fell swoop. "
Their scheme, the nation to disarm,
Lest we might chance our foes to harm,
Was sure a comical proceeding
In our great men, who govern " Fredon; "
A very precious plan it would be,
If mortals all, were what they should be:
When robbers, of immense rapacity,
Are so deficient in sagacity,
They let the rich pass, unprotected,
Their right of property respected;
But bid the strong man — arm'd to stand,
Who threatens vengeance, sword in hand,
This pretty, philanthropick plan, sir,
Without the least dispute will answer: —
'Till then, best lay it on the stocks,
With Mister Jefferson's dry docks.

On our poetick steed, well mounted,
In half the time that ten is counted,
Through air, as swift as lightning hurl'd,
We visit Europe's troubled world.
Your honour 'll please to mount behind us,
Or else you won't know where to find us.
And first, with great regret we're smitten,
To view the conduct of Great Britain; —
Since her proud navies bridge the ocean,
She leans a little to a notion,
That right and power , in stormy weather,
Were meant to sink and swim together: —
And she will strive to make this out,
By knock-down arguments , no doubt,
The most impressive logick, since,
It must confound , if not convince; —
And 'tis allow'd, in any season,
A seventy-four's a powerful reason .
But if she makes too great a fuss,
She'll hurt herself in hurting us.
From past experience she should think us
Too powerful now for her to sink us; —
A quarrel too, with other fractures,
Would half destroy her manufactures.

Now, had we time, we'd stop and tell,
How nobly Nelson fought and fell,
Describe the fight, in terms so furious,
'Twould be admir'd by all the curious; —
But we'll lay up our true sublime,
To treat you with some other time.
Besides, our publick prints will rattle,
For six months hence about this battle,
Since victory's annals can't show one
In which more mighty deeds were done,
They'll make it thunder, loud and louder,
'Till each newspaper smells of powder!

Now, would our Pegasus but stop,
To Africk's coast we'd take a hop,
Would to posterity bequeath
For Eaton's brow a laurel wreath:
But sure a humble carrier's praise,
Can't add one sprig to Eaton's bays.

We next o'er Europe " tramp! tramp! tramp! "
As far as Buonaparte's camp,
But still keep out of cannon shot
Of Buonapart' and Bernadotte;
Would glut the jaws of an hyena,
Ere we'd approximate Massena:
We therefore keep at decent distance,
And pray that by kind heaven's assistance,
The continental powers allied
May humble haughty France's pride,
And that they'll muster troops and talents,
In Europe, to preserve the balance.

Now, after these our flights amazing
We'll turn our Pegasus a grazing,
But hope, your honour, some small change
May go to recompense our range,
For, though we neatly through the air go,
Still money makes the poet's mare go.