Classic Poem

 Faith, cries Apollo , I see clearly
You'll treat this Fellow damn'd severely,
To render useless his expences,
Then scare him out of half his senses;
For me, I think 'twould be enough
To give him one good hearty cuff;
A blow from you but rarely fails;
The print of sweet V EXATION 's nails,
In all great instances, we find,
Leave long-remember'd marks behind:
Besides, beyond a certain length
Should you exert your art and strength,
You know that Mastiff-like , our Laws
Stand grinning with their wide-mouth'd jaws,
To snarl , and tear th' insulting hand
Which dares their mighty Growl withstand;
Tho' sometimes too they turn and bite
The very man that's in the right.
Now, should our Culprit in distress
Seek their protection and redress,
And, all his injuries strongly marking,
Set these same legal Dogs a barking,
Where is the man can say, or know,
When thus attack'd, how things may go?
Our great design may burst in air,
And you , and I , like stuck-pigs stare.
Therefore, once more, my dear V EXATION ,
Let me advise for—M ODERATION .

 What! says great C AMBRIA'S fiery Dame,
Her little bullet-eyes all flame,
What! Doctor, don't your sniv'ling spirit
Know the high blood that I inherit?
Train'd from my youth in ev'ry art
L AW 's studied Mysteries could impart,
All its close labyrinths known to me;
My poor dear Father had a key,
By which he was for ever finding
Some secret clue, some tangled winding,
Where he his Adversaries mir'd,
And his own Clients often tir'd.—
I have besides a certain slight ,
By which what's black I show as white ;
Nor do I argument e'er lack,
To change again what's white to black .—
The Law's a Vane stuck on a pivot,
It turns with every Wind you give it;
You think it blows for you its best,
Its chops about from East, due West,
And at its motions whilst you're looking,
You find you are completely took in.—
How oft you hear weak people cry,
My cause is clear in the Law's Eye!
But I to such poor souls could hint
A Secret, that L AW 's Eyes both squint ;
They think that full on them they play,
Tho' they look quite a different way,
So hard to get their real Focus,
They're aptly call'd Law's Hocus Pocus .—
Therefore, good Master Doctor, ne'er
About this Rebel's anger care;
Should he, in lack of Sense or Wit,
Presume to serve me with a Writ,
On his unguarded side I'll try
The force of my Artillery;
Sue in what Court he will, I'll match him,
And ere I've done I'll surely catch him.
Lord help the Fool! he little knows
The Devil himself can't me oppose:
He'll in the H ALL a stranger roam,
V EXATION there is quite at home ;
On every side I've friends by dozens,
And half the Lawyers are my Cousins.