Classic Poem

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two,
Down in a Spanish alley,
A wop was running up and down
Shouting, " hot tamale! "

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
He thought the world was round-o;
That pioneering, buccaneering,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

Columbus came from Italee,
He was full of pink confetti;
He showed the Queen of Spain
How to manage her spaghetti.

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
Knew that land could be found-o;
That heathen-hating, navigating,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

He rushed up to the Queen one day,
Said: " Give me ships and cargo,
I'll be a sea-going son-of-a-gun
If I don't bring back Chicago! "

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
He thought the world was round-o;
That encroaching, queen-approaching,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

The Queen she said to Ferdinand,
" His scheme sounds like a daisy. "
" To hell with him, " said Ferdinand,
" I think the wop is crazy! "

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
He thought the world was round-o;
That pioneering, buccaneering,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

" It isn't ships or men he wants,
For something else he's shootin',
And if he hangs around you much
He'll lose his head right tootin'. "

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
Knew the gold could be found-o;
That brave sea-faring, never-caring,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

Said Columbo: " Now, Isabelle,
Don't act so gosh-darned funny;
I need the ships and men
So pony up the money! "

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
He knew ships could be found-o;
That always-busted, never trusted,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

Said Isabelle: " Now wait awhile,
And cut out this flam-flimmin';
You've only asked for ships and men
But how about some wimmin? "

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
He knew the world was round-o;
This goll-durning, woman-spurning,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

On the day they sailed away,
The people thought them crazy.
Columbus said: " No janes on board,
The sailors won't get lazy. "

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
He never could be bound-o;
That woman-hating, captivating,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two,
Across the broad Atlantic;
The sailors all were filled with grief,
Their wives were nearly frantic.

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
He knew the world was round-o;
That family-breaking, history-making,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two,
The doctors were not many;
The only one they had on board
Was a gosh-darned quack named Benny.

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
He knew the world was round-o;
That philosophic, philanthropic,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

Columbo's ears ached him one day,
But Benny was quite placid.
He filled up both Columbo's ears
With hot mercuric acid.

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
Knew doctors could be drowned-o;
That democratic and autocratic,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

They anchored near San Salvydor,
In search of women and booty;
A pretty girl stood on the shore,
Columbo said: " Do your duty! "

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
Found here was solid ground-o;
That stop-your-shoving, woman-loving,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

The sailors jumped into the surf,
And shed their shirts and collars;
Columbo said: " The first one there
Will get a hundred dollars. "

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
Knew where he was bound-o;
That woman-baiting, captivating,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

He settled down to stay awhile,
But things were not so pretty;
The sailors started getting drunk
Which really was a pity.

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
Got to where he was bound-o;
That heavy-headed, ever-dreaded,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

One day they loaded him in chain,
And shipped him back to Spain.
Columbo said: " I'm done for good,
These doings give me a pain. "

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
Proved the world was round-o;
That pioneering, persevering,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!

When Columbo got back to Sunny Spain,
He told them of bonanzas.
They answered him: " We notice, Wop,
You ain't got no bananas! "

Oh, Christofo Columbo,
He showed the world was round-o;
That poorly-treated, badly cheated,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo!