Classic Poem

Anno 1672

As t'other night in bed I thinking lay
How I my rent should to my landlord pay,
Since corn, nor wool, nor beast would money make,
Tumbling perplexed, these thoughts kept me awake:
" What will become of this mad world? " quoth I.
What's its disease? What is its remedy?
Where will it issue? Whereto does it tend?
Some ease to misery 'tis to know its end. "
Till servants dreaming, as they used to do,
Snored me asleep. I fell a-dreaming too.
Methought there met the grand Cabal of seven
(Odd numbers, some men say, do best please Heaven).
When sat they were and doors were all fast shut,
I secret was behind the hangings put.
Both hear and see I could, but he that there
Had placed me bade me have as great a care
Of stirring as my life, and, ere that out
From thence I came, resolved should be my doubt:
What would become of this mad world, unless
Present designs were crossed with ill success?
An awful silence there was held some space,
Till, trembling, thus began one called His Grace:
" Great sir, your government for first twelve years
Has spoiled the monarchy and made our fears
So potent on us that we must change quite
The old foundations and make new, wrong or right.
For too great mixture of democracy
Within this government allayed must be,
And no allay like nulling parliaments,
O'th' people's pride and arrogance the vents,
Factious and saucy, disputing royal pleasure,
Who your commands by their own humors measure.
For king in barnacles and to th'rack-staves tied
You must remain, if these you will abide. "
So spake the long blue ribbon; then a second,
Though not so tall, yet quite as wise is reckoned,
Did thus begin: " Great sir, you are now on
A tender point much to be thought upon,
And thought on only, for by ancient law
" Tis death to mention what my lord foresaw.
His trembling showed it, wherefore I'm so bold
To advise its standing, lest it should be told
We did attempt to change it; for so much
Our ancestors secured it, that to touch,
Like sacred Mount, 'tis death, and such a trick
I no ways like to make tongue break my neck. "
Thus said, he sat. Then lord of northern tone,
In gall and guile a second unto none,
Enraged rose, and, chol'ric, thus began:
" Dread Majesty, male beam of fame, a son
Of th' hundred-and-tenth monarch of the nore,
De'il split the weam of th'lowne that spoke afore!
Shame faw the crag of that ill-mannered lord
That 'nent his king durst speak so faw a word!
And aw my saul right weel the first man meant,
De'il hoop his lugs that loves a parliament!
Twa houses aw my saul are twa too mickle.
They'll gar the laird shall ne'er have more a prickle,
Na siller get to gie the bonny lass:
But full as good be born without a tarse.
Ten thousand plagues light on his crag that 'gin
To make you be but third part of a king.
De'il take my saul, I'll ne'er the matter mince,
I'd rather subject be than sike a prince.
To hang and burn and slay and draw and kill
And measure aw things by my own guid will
Is gay dominion; a checkmate I hate
Of men or laws, it looks so like a state. "
This eager, well-meant zeal some laughter stirred,
Till, nose half-plush, half-flesh, the inkhorn lord
Craved audience thus: " Grave Majesty divine
(Pardon that Cambridge title I make mine),
We now are entered on the great'st debate
That can concern your throne and royal state.
His Grace hath so spoke all, that we who next
Speak after can but comment on his text.
Only 'tis wonder at this sacred board
Should sit " mongst us a Magna Charta lord,
A peer of old rebellious barons" breed,
Worst and great'st enemies to royal seed.
But to proceed: well was it urged by's Grace
Such liberty was giv'n for twelve years' space
That are by passed; there's now necessity
Of new foundations, if safe you'll be.
What travail, charge, and art (before was set
This Parliament) we had, you can't forget;
How forced to court, cajole, and bribe, for fear
They wrong should run, e'er since they have been here;
What diligence, what study day and night,
Was on us, and what care to keep them right!
Wherefore, if good you can't make Parliament,
On whom such costs, such art and pains were spent,
And moneys, all we had for them to do,
Since we miss that, 'tis best dismiss them too.
" Tis true, this House the best is you can call,
But, in my judgment, best is none at all. "

" Well moved! " the whole Cabal cried, " Parliaments
Are clogs to princes and their brave intents. "
One did object, 'twas against majesty
T'obey the people's pleasure. Another he
Their inconvenience argues, and that neither
Close their designs were, nor yet speedy either.
Whilst thus confused chattered the Cabal,
And many moved, none heard, but speak did all,
A little bobtailed lord, urchin of state,
A Praisegod-Barebones-peer whom all men hate,
Amphibious animal, half fool, half knave,
Begged silence and this purblind counsel gave:
" Blest and best monarch that e'er scepter bore,
Renowned for virtue, but for honor more,
That lord spake last has well and wisely shown
That parliaments, nor new, nor old, nor none,
Can well be trusted longer, for the state
And glory of the crown hate all checkmate.
That monarchy may from its childhood grow
To man's estate, France has taught us how.
Monarchy's divine: divinity it shows
That he goes backward that not forward goes.
Therefore go on, let other kingdoms see
Your will's your law: that's absolute monarchy.
A mixed hodge-podge will now no longer do;
Caesar or nothing you are brought unto.
Strike then, great sir, 'fore these debates take wind;
Remember that Occasions's bald behind.
Our game is sure in this, if wisely played,
And sacred votes to the vulgar not betrayed.
But if the rumor should once get on wing
That we consult to make you abs'lute king,
The plebeians' head, the gentry forsooth,
They straight would snort and have an aching tooth.
Lest they, I say, should your great secrets scent,
And you oppose in nulling Parliament,
I think it safer and a greater skill
To obviate than to o'ercome an ill.
For those that head the herd are full as rude,
When th' humor takes, as the following multitude.
Therefore be quick in your resolves, and when
Resolved you have, execute quicker then.
Remember your great father lost the game
By slow proceedings. Mayn't you do the same?
An unexpected, unregarded blow
Wounds more than ten made by an open foe.
Delays do dangers breed; the sword is yours,
By law declared, what need of other pow'rs?
We may unpolitic be judged, or worse,
If we can't make the sword command the purse.
No art or courtship can the rule so shape
Without a force: it must be done by rape,
And when " tis done, to say you cannot help
Will satisfy enough the gentle whelp.
Fanatics they'll to Providence impute
Their thraldom and immediately grow mute,
For they, poor pious fools, think the decree
Of Heav'n falls on them, though from Hell it be;
And when their reason is abased to it,
They forthwith think't religion to submit,
And vainly glorying in a passive shame,
They'll put off man to wear the Christian name.
Wherefore to lull 'em, do their hopes fulfill
With liberty; they're haltered at your will.
Give them but conventicle-room, and they
Will let you steal the Englishman away,
And heedless be, till you your nets have spread,
And pulled down conventicles on their head.
Militia, then, and parliaments, cashier;
A formidable standing army rear;
They'll mount you up, and up you soon will be.
They'll fear, who ne'er did love, your monarchy,
And if they fear, no matter for their hate:
To rule by law becomes a sneaking state.
Lay by all fear, care not what people say,
Regard to them will your designs betray.
When bite they can't, what hurt can barking do?
And sir, in time we'll spoil their barking too,
Make coffee-clubs talk of more humble things
Than state affairs and interest of kings. "
Thus spake the rigling peer, when one more grave,
That had much less of fool but more of knave,
Began: " Great sir, it gives no small content
To hear such zeal for you 'gainst Parliament;
Wherefore, though I an enemy no less
To parliaments than you yourselves profess,
Yet I must also enter my protest
'Gainst these rude rumbling counsels indigest,
And, great sir, tell you, 'tis an harder thing
Than they suggest to make you abs'lute king.
Old buildings to pull down, believe it true,
More danger in it hath than building new,
And what shall prop your superstructure till
Another you have built that suits your will?
An army shall, say they. Content. But stay,
From whence shall this new army have its pay?
For easy, gentle, government a while
Appear must to this kingdom, to beguile
The people's minds and make them cry up you,
For rasing old and making better new.
For taxes with new government all will blame
And put the kingdom soon into a flame,
For tyranny has no such lovely look
To catch men with unless you hide the hook,
And no bait hides it more than present ease.
Ease but their taxes, then do what you please.
Wherefore, all wild debates laid by, from whence
Shall money rise to bear this vast expense?
For our first thoughts thus well resolved, we
In other things much sooner shall agree.
Join then with Mother Church, whose bosom stands
Ope to receive us, stretching forth her hands.
Close but this breach, and she will let you see
Her purse as open as her arms shall be;
For, sacred sir (by guess I do not speak),
Of poor she'll make you rich, and strong of weak.
At home, abroad, no money, no, nor men
She'll let you lack; turn but to her again. "
The Scot could here no longer hold, but cried:
" De'il take the pape and all that's on his side,
The whore of Rome, that mickle man of sin,
Plague take the mother, bairns, and aw the kin!
What racks my saul? Must we the holy rood
Place in God's kirk again? Troth, 'tis not guid.
I defy the lowne, the de'il, and aw his work!
The pape shall lig no mare in God's guid kirk. "
The Scot with laughter checked, they all agreed
The lord spake last should in his speech proceed,
Which thus he did: " Great sir, you know 'tis season
Salts all the motions that we make with reason,
And now a season is afforded us,
The best e'er came, and most propitious.
Besides the sum the Cath'lics will advance,
You know the offers we are made from France,
And to have money and no Parliament
Must fully answer your designed intent.
And thus without tumultuous noise or huff
Of parliaments, you may have money enough,
Which, if neglected now, there's none knows when
Like opportunities may be had again;
For all t'extirpate now combined be
Both civil and religious liberty.
Thus money you'll have to exalt the crown,
Without stooping majesty to country clown.
The Triple League, I know, will be objected,
As if that ought by us to be respected!
But who to heretics or rebel pay'th
The truth engaged to by solemn faith
Debaucheth virtue: by those very things,
The church profaneth and debaseth kings,
As you yourself have admirably shown
By burning Solemn Cov'nant, though your own.
Faith, justice, truth, plebeian virtues be,
Look well in them but not in majesty.
For public faith is but a public thief,
The greatest cheat in Nature's vain belief. "
The second lord, though checked, yet did not fear,
Impatient grew and could no longer bear,
But rose in heat, and that a little rude;
The lord's voice interrupts and for audience sued:
" Great Majesty, authentic authors say,
When hand was lifted up Croesus to slay,
The father's danger on the dumb son did make
Such deep impressions that he forthwith spake.
Pardon, great sir, if I, in imitation,
Seeing the danger to yourself and nation,
Do my resolved-on silence also break,
Although I see the matter I shall speak
Under such disadvantages will lie,
It shall exploded be as well as I.
But vainly do they boast they loyal are
That can't for princes' good reflections bear,
Nor will I call compurgators to prove
What honor to the crown I've borne with love.
My acts have spoken and sufficient are
Above whate'er detractors did or dare.
Wherefore, great sir, 'tis ignorance or hate
Dictates these counsels you to precipitate.
For say 't again I will, not eat my word,
No council's power, no nor yet the sword
Can old foundations alter or make new:
Let time interpret who hath spoken true.
Those country gentry with their beef and bacon
Will show how much you courtiers are mistaken.
For parliaments are not of that cheap rate
That they will down without a broken pate.
And then I doubt you'll find those worthy lords
More braves and champions with their tongue than swords.
Wherefore, dread sir, incline not royal ear
To their advice, but safer counsels hear.
Stay till these lords have got a crown to lose.
And then consult with them which way they'll choose.
Will you all hazard for their humor's sake,
Who nothing have to lose, nothing at stake,
And at one game your royal crown expose
To gratify the foolish lusts of those
Who hardly have subsistence how to live
But what your crown and grace to them does give?
And one of those bagpudding gentlemen
(Except their places) would buy nine or ten.
Then why they should thus slight the gentleman,
I see no reason, nor think how they can.
For had not gentleman done more than lord
(I'll boldly say 't) you ne'er had been restored.
But why of armies now, great sir, must we
So fond just now all on the sudden be?
What faithful guardians have they been to pow'rs
That have employed them that you'd make 'em yours?
Enough our age, we need not seek the glory
Of armies' faith in old or doubtful story.
Your father 'gainst the Scots an army reared,
But soon that army more than Scot he feared.
He was in haste to raise them, as we are,
But to disband them was far more his care.
How Scottish army after did betray
His trust and person both, I need not say.
Rump Parliament an army reared, and they
The Parliament that raised them did betray.
The lord protector they set up one hour,
The next pulled down the protectorian pow'r.
Your father's block and judges the same troops
Did guard; same tongues at death of both made whoops.
And will you suffer armies to beguile
And give your crown and you to cross and pile?
What if a Monck should both swear, lie, and feign,
Till he does both your trust and army gain,
And you believe his oath and faith is true,
But serves himself instead of serving you?
Pardon, great sir, if zeal transports my tongue
T'express what e'en your greatness don't become.
Expose I can't your crown and sacred throat
To the false faith of a common redcoat.
Your law your all does fence secure from fears:
That kept, what trouble needs of bandoleers?
Consider, sir, 'tis law that makes you king.
The sword another to the crown may bring,
For force knows no distinction: longest sword
Makes peasant prince, lackey above his lord.
If that be all that we must have for laws,
Your will inferior may be to Jack Straw's,
If greater force him follow: there's no right
Where law is failing and for will men fight.
Best man is he alone whose steel's most strong;
Where no law is, there's neither right nor wrong.
That fence broke down and all in common laid,
Subjects may prince and prince may them invade.
See, greatest sir, how these your throne lay down
Instead of making great your royal crown,
How they divest you of your majesty,
For, law destroyed, you are no more than we.
And very vain would be the plea of crown,
When statute laws and parliaments are down. "
This peer proceeded on to show how vain
An holy league would be with Rome again,
And what dishonor 'twould be to our crowns
If we to France give cautionary towns.
He's interrupted and bid speak no more
By's enraged Majesty, who deeply swore
His tongue had so run o'er that he'd take
Such vengeance on him and example make
To after ages, all which heard should fear
To speak what would displease the royal ear,
And bid the lord that spoke before go on,
And silence all should keep till he had done;
Who thus his speech resumed: " If lord spake last
To interrupt me had not made such haste,
I soon had done, for I was come, great sir,
T'advise your sending Dutch ambassador;
But much it does concern you whom to trust
With this embassy, for none true nor just,
Wise, stout, or honorable, nor a friend
Should you in any wise resolve to send,
Lest any unseen or unlucky chance
Should in this war befall to us or France.
We may that loathed wretch give to the hate
Of the people's fury, them to satiate.
And when all's done that can be done by man,
Much must be left to chance, do what you can.
And if you'll make all Christendom your friend,
And put to Dutch Land League an utter end,
Then surely you may have of men and treasure
Enough of both to execute your pleasure. "
This speech being ended, six of seven agree
France shall be loved and Holland hated be.
All gone, I waked and wondered what should mean
All I had heard; methought 'twas more than dream.
And if Cabal thus serve us Englishmen,
'Tis ten to one but I shall dream again.