Classic Poem

FROM PHIL. FUDGE, ESQ., TO THE LORD VISCOUNT CASTLEREAGH .

M Y Lord, the Instructions, brought to-day,
" I shall in all my best obey. "
Your Lordship talks and writes so sensibly!
And — whatsoe'er some wags may say —
Oh! not at all incomprehensibly.

I feel the inquiries in your letter
About my health and French most flattering;
Thank ye, my French; tho' somewhat better,
Is, on the whole, but weak and smattering: —
Nothing, of course, that can compare
With his who made the Congress stare
(A certain Lord we need not name),
Who, even in French, would have his trope,
And talk of " batir un systême
" Sur l'equilibre de l'Europe! "
Sweet metaphor! — and then the Epistle,
Which bid the Saxon King go whistle, —
That tender letter to " Mon Prince , "
Which showed alike thy French and sense; —
Oh no, my Lord — there 's none can do
Or say un-English things like you;
And, if the schemes that fill thy breast
Could but a vent congenial seek,
And use the tongue that suits them best,
What charming Turkish wouldst thou speak!
But as for me , a Frenchless grub,
At Congress never born to stammer,
Nor learn like thee, my Lord, to snub
Fallen Monarchs, out of C HAMBAUD'S grammar —
Bless you, you do not, can not , know
How far a little French will go;
For all one's stock, one need but draw
On some half-dozen words like toese —
Comme ├ºa — par-la — la-bas — ah ha!
They 'll take you all thro' France with ease,
Your Lordship's praises of the scraps
I sent you from my Journal lately,
(Enveloping a few laced caps
For Lady! C,) delight me greatly.
Her flattering speech — " What pretty things
" One finds in Mr. F UDGE'S pages! "
Is praise which (as some poet sings)
Would pay one for the toils of ages.

Thus flattered, I presume to send
A few more extracts by a friend;
And I should hope they 'll be no less
Approved of than my last MS. —
The former ones, I fear, were creased,
As Biddy round the caps would pin them;
But these will come to hand, at least
Unrumpled, for there 's — nothing in them.

Extracts from Mr. Fudge's Journal, addressed to Lord C.

Went to the Mad-house — saw the man
Who thinks, poor wretch, that, while the Fiend
Of Discord here full riot ran,
He , like the rest, was guillotined; —
But that when, under B ONEY'S reign,
(A more discreet, tho' quite as strong one,)
The heads were all restored again,
He, in the scramble, got a wrong one .
Accordingly, he still cries out
This strange head fits him most unpleasantly;
And always runs, poor devil, about,
Inquiring for his own incessantly!

While to his case a tear I dropt,
And sauntered home, thought I — ye Gods!
How many heads might thus be swopt,
And, after all, not make much odds!
For instance, there 's V ANSITTART'S head —
( " Tam carum " it may well be said)
If by some curious chance it came
To settle on B ILL S OAMES'S shoulders,
The effect would turn out much the same
On all respectable cash-holders:
Except that while, in its new socket,
The head was planning schemes to win
A zig-zag way into one's pocket,
The hands would plunge directly in.

Good Viscount S IDMOUTH , too, instead
Of his own grave, respected head,
Might wear (for aught I see that bars)
Old Lady W ILHELMINA F RUMP'S —
So while the hand signed Circulars .
The head might lisp out " What is trumps? " —
The R EGENT'S brains could we transfer
To some robust man-milliner,
The shop, the shears, the lace, and ribbon
Would go, I doubt not, quite as glib on;
And, vice versâ , take the pains
To give the P RINCE the shopman's brains,
One only change from thence would flow,
Ribbons would not be wasted so.
'T was thus I pondered on, my Lord;
And, even at night, when laid in bed,
I found myself, before I snored,
Thus chopping, swopping, head for head.
At length I thought, fantastic elf!
How such a change would suit myself .
'Twixt sleep and waking, one by one,
With various pericraniums saddled,
At last I tried your Lordship's on,
And then I grew completely addled —
Forgot all other heads, od rot 'em!
And slept, and dreamt that I was — B OTTOM .

Walked out with daughter B ID — was shown
The House of Commons and the Throne,
Whose velvet cushion 's just the same
N APOLEON sat on — what a shame!
Oh! can we wonder, best of speechers,
When L OUIS seated thus we see,
That France's " fundamental features "
Are much the same they used to be?
However, — God preserve the Throne,
And cushion too — and keep them free
From accidents, which have been known
To happen even to Royalty!

Read, at a stall (for oft one pops
On something at these stalls and shops,
That does to quote and gives one's Book
A classical and knowing look. —
Indeed, I 've found, in Latin, lately,
A course of stalls improves me greatly) —
'T was thus I read that in the East
A monarch's fat 's a serious matter;
And once in every year, at least,
He 's weighed — to see if he gets fatter:
Then, if a pound or two he be
Increased, there 's quite a jubilee!
Suppose, my Lord — and far from me
To treat such things with levity —
But just suppose the Regent's weight
Were made thus an affair of state;
And, every sessions, at the close, —
'Stead of a speech, which, all can see is
Heavy and dull enough, God knows —
We were to try how heavy he is.
Much would it glad all hearts to hear
That, while the Nation's Revenue
Loses so many pounds a year,
The P RINCE , God bless him! gains a few.
With bales of muslin, chintzes, spices,
I see the Easterns weigh their Kings; —
But, for the R EGENT , my advice is,
We should throw in much heavier things:
For instance — — 's quarto volumes,
Which, tho' not spices, serve to wrap them;
Dominie S TODDART'S Daily columns,
" Prodigious! " — in, of course, we 'd clap them —
Letters, that C ARTWRIGHT'S pen indites,
In which, with logical confusion,
The Major like a Minor writes,
And never comes to a Conclusion : —
Lord S OMERS'S pamphlet — or his head —
(Ah! that were worth its weight in lead!)
Along with which we in may whip, sly,
The Speeches of Sir J OHN C OX H IPPISLY ;
That Baronet of many words,
Who loves so, in the House of Lords,
To whisper Bishops — and so nigh
Unto their wigs in whispering goes,
That you may always know him by
A patch of powder on his nose! —
If this won't do, we in must cram
The " Reasons " of Lord B UCKINGHAM ;
(A Book his Lordship means to write,
Entitled " Reasons for my Ratting " :)
Or, should these prove too small and light.
His rump 's a host — we 'll bundle that in!
And, still should all these masses fail
To stir the R EGENT'S pondrous scale,
Why, then, my Lord, in heaven's name,
Pitch in, without reserve or stint,
The whole of R AGLEY'S beauteous Dame —
If that won't raise him, devil 's in it!
Consulted M URPHY'S T ACITUS
About those famous spies at Rome,
Whom certain Whigs — to make a fuss —
Describe as much resembling us,
Informing gentlemen, at home.
But, bless the fools, they can't be serious,
To say Lord S IDMOUTH'S like T IBERIUS !
What! he , the Peer, that injures no man,
Like that severe, blood-thirsty Roman! —
'T is true, the Tyrant lent an ear to
All sorts of spies — so doth the Peer, too.
'T is true, my Lord's elect tell fibs,
And deal in perjury — ditto T IB 'S .
'T is true, the Tyrant screened and hid
His rogues from justice — ditto S ID .
'T is true the Peer is grave and glib
At moral speeches — ditto T IB .
'T is true the feats the Tyrant did
Were in his dotage — ditto S ID .

So far, I own, the parallel
'Twixt T IB and S IB goes vastly well;
But there are points in T IB that strike
My humble mind as much more like
Yourself , my dearest Lord, or him,
Of the India Board — that soul of whim!
Like him, T IBERIUS loved his joke,
On matters, too, where few can bear one;
E. g. a man cut up, or broke
Upon the wheel — a devilish fair one!
Your common fractures, wounds and fits,
Are nothing to such wholesale wits;
But, let the sufferer gasp for life,
The joke is then worth any money;
And, if he writhe beneath a knife, —
Oh dear, that 's something quite too funny.
In this respect, my Lord, you see
The Roman wag and ours agree:
Now as to your resemblance — mum —
This parallel we need not follow:
Tho' 't is, in Ireland, said by some
Your Lordship beats T IBERIUS hollow;
Whips, chains — but these are things too serious
For me to mention or discuss:
Whene'er your Lordship acts T IBERIUS ,
P HIL . F UDGE'S part is Tacitus!

Was thinking, had Lord S IDMOUTH got
Any good decent sort of Plot
Against the winter-time — if not,
Alas, alas, our ruin 's fated;
All done up and spiflicated!
Ministers and all their vassals,
Down from C ASTLEREAGH to C ASTLES , —
Unless we can kick up a riot,
Ne'er can hope for peace or quiet!
What 's to be done? — Spa-Fields was clever;
But even that brought gibes and mockings
Upon our heads — so, mem . — must never
Keep ammunition in old stockings;
For fear some wag should in his curst head
Take it to say our force was worsted .
Mem . too — when S ID an army raises,
It must not be " incog . " like Bayes's:
Nor must the General be a hobbling
Professor of the art of cobbling;
Lest men, who perpetrate such puns,
Should say, with Jacobinic grin,
He felt, from soleing Wellingtons ,
A Wellington's great soul within!
Nor must an old Apothecary
Go take the Tower, for lack of pence,
With (what these wags would call, so merry,)
Physical force and phial -ence!
No — no — our Plot, my Lord, must be
Next time contrived more skilfully,
John Bull, I grieve to say, is growing
So troublesomely sharp and knowing,
So wise — in short, so Jacobin —
'T is monstrous hard to take him in .

Heard of the fate of our Ambassador
In China, and was sorely nettled;
But think, my Lord, we should not pass it o'er
Till all this matter 's fairly settled;
And here 's the mode occurs to me: —
As none of our Nobility,
Tho' for their own most gracious King
(They would kiss hands, or — anything),
Can be persuaded to go thro'
This farce-like trick of the Ko-tou;
And as these Mandarins won't bend,
Without some mumming exhibition,
Suppose, my Lord, you were to send
G RIMALDI to them on a mission:
As Legate , Joe could play his part,
And if, in diplomatic art,
The " volto sciolto " 's meritorius,
Let Joe but grin, he has it, glorious!

A title for him 's easily made;
And, by the by, one Christmas time,
If I remember right, he played
Lord M ORLEY in some pantomime: —
As Earl of Morley then gazette him,
If t' other Earl of M ORLEY 'll let him,
(And why should not the world be blest
With two such stars, for East and West?)
Then, when before the Yellow Screen
He's brought — and, sure, the very essence
Of etiquette would be that scene
Of Joe in the Celestial Presence! —

He thus should say: — " Duke Ho and Soo,
" I 'll play what tricks you please for you,
" If you 'll, in turn, but do for me
" A few small tricks you now shall see.
" If I consult your Emperor's liking,
" At least you 'll do the same for my King. "

He then should give them nine such grins,
As would astound even Mandarins;
And throw such somersets before
The picture of King G EORGE (God bless him!)
As, should Duke Ho but try them o'er,
Would, by C ONFUCIUS , much distress him!

I start this merely as a hint,
But think you 'll find some wisdom in 't;
And, should you follow up the job,
My son, my Lord (you know poor B OB ),
Would in the suite be glad to go
And help his Excellency, Joe : —
At least, like noble A MHERST'S son.
The lad will do to practise on.