Classic Poem

A Judge of the Police, and Spy,
(For both are joined in Eastern nations,)
Prowling about with purpose sly,
To list to people's conversations,
And pry in every corner cupboard,
According to his dirty calling,
Saw a poor woman passing by,
Who wept and blubber'd,
Like a church spout, when rain is falling,
Which strives in vain to vent and utter
The overflowings of the gutter.
Our magistrate thought fit to greet her,
Insisting on the dame's declaring
What caused this monstrous ululation,
When she averr'd her spouse had beat her
Black and blue, beyond all bearing,
Without the smallest provocation.

To work the Judge's pen and ink went,
Taking the rogue's address and trade,
And the next morning the delinquent
Was duly into court convey'd:
When he asserted, that his wife
Was such an advocate of strife,
That she would raise a mighty clangour,
And put herself into a pucker,
For trifles that surpass'd belief;
And, for the recent cause of anger,
He swore, point blank, that he had struck her
With nothing but his handkerchief.

The judge, convinced by this averment,
Dismiss'd the case without a word;
When in the court there rose a ferment,
And the wife's angry voice was heard: —
" To cheat your worship is too bad!
My lord, my lord! do interpose,
And stop the knave where'er he lingers;
The villain! he forgot to add
That he for ever blows his nose
With his own fingers! "