Classic Poem

ACT V. SCENE I .

Pandena, Cosmeta, Rhodia , meeting Machessa and Philaenis . Cos .

Lady Machessa , opportunely met. Pan .
What store of Arms prepar'd? Mach .
The Country's layd;
Spits, Andirons, Racks, and such like Utensils
Are in the very Act of Metamorphosis;
Art is now sitting on them, and they will
Be hatch'd to Engins shortly. Pan .
Pray y' how doth
The Muster-Roule encrease? Mach .
As fast as Chloe
Can take their Names; we shall be all great Women. Phil .
Pray y' what Reward shall you and I have Lady? Mach .
Why I will be the Queen o'th' Amazons ,
And thou o'th' Pigmies . Phil .
I, but who shall place us
In the Amazonian , and Pigmean Throne? Mach .
Who but our Swords Philaenis ? when we have
Setled the Government here at home, we will
Lead out an Army 'gainst those Warlike Dames,
And make 'em all our Vassals. Phil .
These left handed
Ladies are notable Politicians.
The King of Monomotapa you may
Be sure will be your Enemy, or else
The Book deceives me. But the Agags they
Will sure be for you. Cos .
Who may the Agags be? Phi .
Why a black ugly People, that do turn
The inside of their Eye-lids outward, that
They may look lovely; if they catch the Amazons ,
They sowce 'em straight, as we do Pig, by quarters,
Or else do pickle 'em up for Winter Sallads. Mac .
How did you come by all this Knowledge Phil ?
You are a learned Page. Phil .
Lady, do y' think
I never read to th' Women in the Nurs'ry?
But will you lose one of your Breasts? 'tis pitty
That your left Pap should be burnt off. Mach .
Why Gyrl?
What use will there be of it? Phi .
To give suck.
You must go seek out some brave Alexander ,
And beg some half a dozen of Children of him,
Or else you'l be no true bred Amazon . Pan .
Must they have Macedonsan Fathers then? Phil .
I think the Amazonian Queen doth swear
To no such Article when She is Crown'd;
But ord'narily they do so; yet howe'r
Your Grace may send for the three Courtiers,
That you deliver'd from these Ladies here,
They would be glad to be employ'd in any
Such State-affairs. But I'd almost forgot
The Pigmies Conquest. Rho .
Have you read of them too? Phil .
Though some say that their Souls are only stopt
Into their Bodies, just as so much Quick-silver
Is put into hot Loves, to make 'em dance
As long as th' heat continues; yet, beleeve it,
They are a subt'le Nation, a most shrew'd
Advising People. Cos .
How'l you then subdue them? Phil .
By Policy, set Hays, and Traps, and Springs,
And Pitfals for'em. And if any do
Dwell in the Rocks, make holes upon the top
As deep as Cups, and fill 'em up with Wine;
You shall have one come presently, and sip,
And when he finds the sweetness, cry Chin, Chin :
Then all the rest good Fellows straight come out,
And tipple with him till they fall asleep;
Then we may come and pack 'em up in Hampers,
Or else in Hand-baskets, and carry 'em whither
We please our selves. Mach .
A notable Stratagem!
You'l never leave your Policies Phil . Phi .
But yet
We must draw out some Souldiers howe'r. Cos .
There's no great need of Souldiers; Their Camp's
No larger than a Ginger-bread Office. Pan .
And the Men little bigger. Phil .
What half Heretick
Book tels you that? Rho .
The greatest sort they say
Are like stone-pots with Beards that do reach down
Unto their knees. Cos .
They're carri'd to the Wars then
As Chickens are to Market, all in Dorsers,
Some thirty Couple on a Horse. Phil .
You read
Only Apocryphall History. Beleeve me
They march most formally: I know't, there will
Be work enough for Souldiers. Mach .
Wee'l train up
All the young Wenches of the City here
On purpose for this Expedition,
And 't shall be call'd the Female War. Phil .
I fear
They won't be strong enough to go against 'em;
They have an Enemy doth vex 'em more
Than Horse or Man can. Mach .
Who, the Cranes you mean?
I'l beg a Patent of Her Majesty
To take up all that fly about the Country,
For the Pigmean Service. Phil .
I, but who
Shall's have to Discipline 'em so, that we
May fly 'em at them off our fists? Mach .
They fly
In a most war-like Figure naturally:
However we may have a Net cast o'r
Th' Artyllery Yard, and send for th' Gentleman
That bridles Stags, and makes 'em draw Caroches,
Hee'l exercise 'em in a Month or two,
And bring 'em to it easily. Phil .
We must carry
Six or sev'n hundred of Bird-Cages
And Cony-Coopes along with us. Mach .
For what? Phil .
T' imprison Rebels, and there feed 'em up
With Milk, and Dazy-roots. I will so yerk
The little Gentlemen. Cos .
You must not play
The Tyrant o'r the Wretches. Phil .
You shall see
How I'l behave my self. This foreside blow
Cuts off thrice three, this back-blow thrice three more,
This foreright thrust spits half a dozen of 'em,
Bucklers and all, like so many Larkes with Sage
Between them; then this down-right cleaves a stubborn
Two-footed Rebell from the Crown o'th' head
Down to the twist, and makes him double forked
Like a Turn Stile, or some such Engin. Others
I'l knock pall-mall, and make the wretched Caitiffs
Measure their length upon their Mother Earth,
And so bestride 'em, and cry Victory. Mach .
And what'l you do, when you are seated in
The Throne, to win your Subjects Love Philaenis ? Phil .
I'l stand upon a Cricket, and there make
Fluent Orations to 'em; call 'em Trusty
And Well-beloved, Loyall, and True Subjects,
And my good People: Then I'l mount on Horseback,
Shew 'em my little Majesty, and scatter
Five or six hundred single pence among 'em,
Teach 'em good Language by cleft sticks, and Bay-leaves.
And Civilize 'em finally by Puppet-Plays. Cos .
Most studi'd, and advis'd! Pan .
The heart of Wisdome! Rho .
And Soul of Policy! Mach .
Come little Queen,
Wee'l go and make her Majesty acquainted
With all the Plot; 'twill take her certainly.