Member Poem

A Letter to My Daughters

I loved them from the moment I found out they were a part of me

Growing inside of me, I remember every movement, every hiccup

I remember every ultrasound I went to, I remember every time I heard their hearts beat

I remember laying in bed watching my eldest daughter moving from inside of me

My stomach rolling up and down like waves in an Ocean I've never seen before

But I didn't need to see that Ocean, I had heaven and earth growing inside of me

I remember giving birth, every scream, every one liner, because even though I was in pain I could still joke, as these were the best days of my life

I remember them setting my first born on my stomach, I remember being in complete and utter shock

Something I thought I could never do, something I believed I was never worthy of

Something I had fallen madly in love with over the last nine months was laying right in front of me

She was my first accomplishment, something I could be proud of

Something I would do anything in my power to protect

I remember taking her home from the hospital

I remember not having a clue

I remember staring at her and crying, fearful of what I had always been scared of

The reason why I felt motherhood would never be for me

Terrified I couldn't give her the life she deserved, petrified I wouldn't always be able to protect her like at times my parents couldn't protect me

I remember my pregnancy with my second daughter, all too well

I remember every ultrasound I attended alone, due to low fetal movement, there were many

I remember anxiety attacks during my O.B appointments, also attended alone

I remember driving myself to the hospital,walking half way down the hall and taking the elevator to the second floor

This pregnancy was painful, this one was hard, but I remember every single movement she made inside of me even though they were few and far between

I remembered the way she felt, warm and safe inside of me

And I planned to continue to keep her that way, for the rest of my existence if I could

I remember my sister in the birthing unit with me

Standing by my side, holding my hand, wiping the sweat from my face, cheering me on as I pushed

Two nurses, one doctor, my sister and birthing couch, cheering me on as everyone did through this pregnancy

I remember four long days in a hospital room, they didn't want to send a woman with depression and anxiety home alone too soon, I am thankful for that and the support I received but I was ready to go

I was ready to do this, I was a single woman with a 2 year old I had not seen in far too long

I was ready to start our new journey

I remember my sister picking me up and bringing me home

I remember two hours alone with my new born miracle

I remember seeing my oldest walk up the pathway holding my sisters hand

I remember being terrified when the my sister was gone and the door closed behind her

The first night home, we all ended up on the couch together, we needed a bigger couch

I remember my oldest sitting on my lap watching T.V while I breastfed her little sister

I remember crying, repeatedly telling them I was sorry

Looking back I am not sure I was saying sorry to them or saying sorry to myself

I had little faith in my ability to do be a single parent although I had been one for two years already

And still there is days I doubt myself, a lot

But then I think back to the fighting I have done to keep them safe

And I remember their heart beats and which time I heard them

I remember my oldest being thrown on to my stomach the minute she was born

And my youngest on my chest

I remember staring across the room, as they weighed, measured and checked their vitals

I remember them handing each one back to me, I remember their bodies laying on my chest

I remember those little fingers wrapped around mine

I remember how rewarding it is to be a mother

Each day is full of greatness, some days are louder than others

Some days are full of tears, some mine and some there's

But each day is a day filled with the smiles of two babies who look up to me

Who think the sun sets and rises in my eyes, as I do theirs

Each day is a success I'd never thought I'd feel

Each day is a blessing