Member Poem

Life in fear and happiness
Walking around the house smiling
Playing with my brother
Until he wanted to do his own thing
Looking for validation
Attention and care
That would come from mother
Dad was sometimes there
Saying mother feels cold
And dad feels warm
There’s a distance there.

I was happy
Running playing and being berated
See dad liked the booze and it loved him back
More than mum could
More than the four of us could together
Yet I adored him.
I was so close yet just out of reach from his soul
Hidden behind layers of cast iron stone

The beatings were harsh and return in flashes
And I try to come to terms with them
The early childhood ones
The ones in later life are fresh and linger
Adolescent years of being hit
I’d fight back
And you’d fall
Unconscious
And that gives me pride now
Yet at the time it was fear
And I think you played into it on purpose
You dramatised your reaction to hurt me further
So that I had even less reason to fight back
You conniving old bugger
I lost my spirit to fight out of fear of hurting others in that way
But righteous anger can be verbal and sometimes must be physical
To fight for those you love, that includes yourself

If I could go back, to any one moment where you pushed me to the brink
I would pulverise your face
Into a bloody mess
And go to prison
For all the rage still lives inside me
Hidden behind veils of silver feathers
Forcing it’s red hands through the surface
Just like you

Not only do I live in fear
But I live in evil
Satan’s grip round my throat
Addicted to pornography
Staring at women lustfully
Cheating on my spouses
Acting just like you
Who I don’t want to be
Who I despise like the devil
And love like a plush bear
What you did
Made me who I am
And now I must take accountability for myself without you here
Which has more positives than negatives
The only negative is that you’re not here.

My Hanna was the most amazing gift I received wrapped in the grace of chance
Eyes to sink in to
Hair to softly hold
A face that could show more colours than man can know
And she showed me them all
Her mind is one of beauty
Compassionate to it’s deepest core
Where her soul resides
Dancing with the winds of golden grace
That she controls and entangles with
Her fire of will and determination
Made me love her ever more
So madly and deeply in love 
Her body sang in the autumn’s colours
Soft reds and oranges that screamed passion into me
And her nudie bum was perfect

We lived together
We laughed together
We said things only we could understand
Had jokes only we liked
It felt like a dream
Me and you on a small planet
With no one else
And I dashed it
Out of lust
Fear
Doubt
Weakness
I just couldn’t trust your love at the time
And i couldn’t love myself
I now trust your love wholeheartedly
I love myself less

Yet I’m making changes in my life
Little by little
Old habits die and new ones form
New steps are taken
Strange, alienating feeling
And its even harder now I’m all alone
Yet I have to do this
If I don’t
I’ll be just like dad
I can see it
Or worse
And what is strange is
I can’t see the goal ahead
I see clouds with golden linings hiding what’s behind
I leave it to chance
God
Myself
My loves
I don’t want to love again
As I loved you
Both of you
Yet I still do
And to lock these feelings away
Will just make me soulless

So I live
With the pain of my actions
And the pain of your actions
And walk towards something
That I truly want in life