Classic Poem

Sic te, diva potens Cypri

So may the Cambridge favours of their knights
Eight several Venuses inform with grace;
So may my Julia's brethren, shining lights,
Have sense enough to drive me to the race;

So may we win the fatal toss and take
Whichever side — one never knows — is best;
So may the wind blow nicely in our wake,
And catch the other coxswain in the chest.
O Crew! please to land to the good at the goal;
My fortune deserves a reviver;
So save and increase the one-half of my sole
And exceptional fiver!
Of triple girth and most robustious ease
His waistcoat was who first essayed to pop
His tubby Ark upon the turbid seas —
Noi, and braved the headlong Aethiop
That wrestled darkly with the rising tide,
And cursed aloud the race of Shem and Ham.
And pretty bold was he who first, dry-eyed,
Furrowed the swart bacilli of the Cam.
O vainly has Providence fettered its flow,
And Man shot the drains of the town in,
If people will paddle on stuff that is no
Good to drink or to drown in!

Into what vetos men do rashly rush!
Witness Iäbez of the Liberator;
Or Harcourt, and the Liquor Bill — but hush!
I shun to be a pen-and-ink culpator;
With wing'd opinions through the great inane
The Grand Old Daedal Expert wanders on;
And Mr. Stead, with spook upon the brain,
Is very busy bursting Acheron.
We mock the high gods with our Eiffels that seek
To have Pelion packed upon Ossa;
Nay, worse — I am told there are men who will speak
Of their DEAN as a jossa!