Classic Poem

From Plato's Symposiacs

Once on a time in merry mood,
Jove made a pun of flesh and blood:
A double, two-faced, living creature,
Androgynos o-fold nature,
For back to back with single skin,
He bound the male and female in;
So much alike, so near the same,
They stuck as closely as their name.
Whatever words the male expressed,
The female turned them to a jest;
Whatever words the female spoke,
The male converted to a joke:
So, in this form of man and wife,
They led a merry punning life.

The gods from heav'n descend to earth,
Drawn down by their alluring mirth;
So well they seemed to like the sport,
Jove could not get them back to court.
Th' infernal gods ascend as well,
Drawn up by magic puns from hell.
Judges and Furies quit their post,
And not a soul to mind a ghost.

" Hey Day! " says Jove; says Pluto too,
" I think the devil's here to do;
Here's hell broke loose, and heav'n's quite empty;
We scarce have left one god in twenty.
Pray, what has set them all a-running? "

" Dear brother, nothing else but punning.
Behold that double creature yonder
Delights them with a double entendre. "

" Ods-fish, " says Pluto, " Where's your thunder?
Let drive, and split this thing asunder. "

" That's right, " quoth Jove; with that he threw
A bolt, and split it into two;
And when the thing was split in twain,
Why then it punned as much again.
'Tis thus the diamonds we refine;
The more we cut, the more they shine:
And ever since, your men of wit,
Until they're cut, can't pun a bit.

So take a starling when 'tis young,
And down the middle slit the tongue;
With groat or sixpence, 'tis no matter;
You'll find the bird will doubly chatter.

" Upon the whole, dear Pluto, you know,
'Tis well I did not split my Juno!
For had I done't, when e'er she'd scold me,
She'd make the heav'ns too hot to hold me. "

The gods upon this application
Returned each to his habitation,
Exremely pleased with this new joke —
The best, they swore, he ever spoke.