Classic Poem

One winter night, at half-past nine,
Cold, tired, and cross, and muddy,
I had come home, too late to dine,
And supper, with cigars and wine,
Was waiting in the study.

There was a strangeness in the room,
And Something white and wavy
Was standing near me in the gloom —
I took it for the carpet-broom
Left by that careless slavey.

But presently the Thing began
To shiver and to sneeze:
On which I said " Come, come, my man!
That's a most inconsiderate plan.
Less noise there, if you please! "

" I've caught a cold, " the Thing replies,
" Out there upon the landing. "
I turned to look in some surprise,
And there, before my very eyes,
A little Ghost was standing!

He trembled when he caught my eye,
And got behind a chair.
" How came you here, " I said, " and why?
I never saw a thing so shy.
Come out! Don't shiver there! "

He said " I'd gladly tell you how,
And also tell you why;
But " (here he gave a little bow)
" You're in so bad a temper now,
You 'd think it all a lie.

" And as to being in a fright,
Allow me to remark
That Ghosts have just as good a right,
In every way, to fear the light,
As Men to fear the dark. "

" No plea, " said I, " can well excuse
Such cowardice in you:
For Ghosts can visit when they choose,
Whereas we Humans can't refuse
To grant the interview. "

He said " A flutter of alarm
Is not unnatural, is it?
I really feared you meant some harm:
But, now I see that you are calm,
Let me explain my visit.

" Houses are classed, I beg to state,
According to the number
Of Ghosts that they accommodate:
(The Tenant merely counts as weight ,
With Coals and other lumber).

" This is a " one-ghost" house, and you,
When you arrived last summer,
May have remarked a Spectre who
Was doing all that Ghosts can do
To welcome the new-comer.

" In Villas this is always done —
However cheaply rented:
For, though of course there 's less of fun
When there is only room for one,
Ghosts have to be contented.

" That Spectre left you on the Third —
Since then you 've not been haunted:
For, as he never sent us word,
'Twas quite by accident we heard
That any one was wanted.

" A Spectre has first choice, by right;
In filling up a vacancy;
Then Phantom, Goblin, Elf, and Sprite —
If all these fail them, they invite
The nicest Ghoul that they can see.

" The Spectres said the place was low,
And that you kept bad wine:
So, as a Phantom had to go,
And I was first, of course, you know,
I couldn't well decline. "

" No doubt, " said I, " they settled who
Was fittest to be sent:
Yet still to choose a brat like you,
To haunt a man of forty-two,
Was no great compliment! "

" I'm not so young, Sir, " he replied,
" As you might think. The fact is,
In caverns by the water-side,
And other places that I 've tried,
I 've had a lot of practice:

" But I have never taken yet
A strict domestic part,
And in my flurry I forget
The Five Good Rules of Etiquette
We have to know by heart. "

My sympathies were warming fast
Towards the little fellow:
He was so utterly aghast
At having found a Man at last,
And looked so scared and yellow.

" At least, " I said, " I'm glad to find
A Ghost is not a dumb thing!
But pray sit down: you 'll feel inclined
(If, like myself, you have not dined)
To take a snack of something:

" Though, certainly, you don't appear
A thing to offer food to!
And then I shall be glad to hear —
If you will say them loud and clear —
The Rules that you allude to. "

" Thanks! You shall hear them by and by.
This is a piece of luck! "
" What may I offer you? " said I.
" Well, since you are so kind, I 'll try
A little bit of duck.

" One slice! And may I ask you for
Another drop of gravy? "
I sat and looked at him in awe,
For certainly I never saw
A thing so white and wavy.

And still he seemed to grow more white,
More vapoury, and wavier —
Seen in the dim and flickering light,
As he proceeded to recite
His " Maxims of Behaviour. "