Classic Poem

" Oh, when I was a little Ghost,
A merry time had we!
Each seated on his favourite post,
We chumped and chawed the buttered toast
They gave us for our tea. "

" That story is in print! " I cried.
" Don't say it 's not, because
It 's known as well as Bradshaw's Guide! "
(The Ghost uneasily replied
He hardly thought it was.)

" It 's not in Nursery Rhymes? And yet
I almost think it is —
" Three little Ghosteses" were set
" On posteses," you know, and ate
Their " buttered toasteses."

" I have the book; so if you doubt it — "
I turned to search the shelf.
" Don't stir! " he cried. " We 'll do without it:
I now remember all about it;
I wrote the thing myself.

" It came out in a " Monthly," or
At least my agent said it did:
Some literary swell, who saw
It, thought it seemed adapted for
The Magazine he edited.

" My father was a Brownie, Sir;
My mother was a Fairy.
The notion had occurred to her,
The children would be happier,
If they were taught to vary.

" The notion soon became a craze;
And, when it once began, she
Brought us all out in different ways —
One was a Pixy, two were Fays,
Another was a Banshee;

" The Fetch and Kelpie went to school
And gave a lot of trouble;
Next came a Poltergeist and Ghoul,
And then two Trolls (which broke the rule),
A Goblin, and a Double —

" (If that 's a snuff-box on the shelf, "
He added with a yawn,
" I 'll take a pinch) — next came an Elf,
And then a Phantom (that 's myself),
And last, a Leprechaun.

" One day, some Spectres chanced to call,
Dressed in the usual white:
I stood and watched them in the hall,
And couldn't make them out at all,
They seemed so strange a sight.

" I wondered what on earth they were,
That looked all head and sack;
But Mother told me not to stare,
And then she twitched me by the hair,
And punched me in the back.

" Since then I 've often wished that I
Had been a Spectre born.
But what 's the use? " (He heaved a sigh.)
" They are the ghost-nobility,
And look on us with scorn.

" My phantom-life was soon begun:
When I was barely six,
I went out with an older one —
And just at first I thought it fun,
And learned a lot of tricks.

" I 've haunted dungeons, castles, towers —
Wherever I was sent:
I 've often sat and howled for hours,
Drenched to the skin with driving showers,
Upon a battlement,

" It 's quite old-fashioned now to groan
When you begin to speak:
This is the newest thing in tone — "
And here (it chilled me to the bone)
He gave an awful squeak.

" Perhaps, " he added, " to your ear
That sounds an easy thing?
Try it yourself, my little dear!
It took me something like a year,
With constant practising.

" And when you 've learned to squeak, my man,
And caught the double sob,
You 're pretty much where you began:
Just try and gibber if you can!
That 's something like a job!

" I've tried it, and can only say
I 'm sure you couldn't do it, e-
ven if you practised night and day,
Unless you have a turn that way,
And natural ingenuity.

" Shakspeare I think it is who treats
Of Ghosts, in days of old,
Who " gibbered in the Roman streets,"
Dressed, if you recollect, in sheets —
They must have found it cold.

" I 've often spent ten pounds on stuff,
In dressing as a Double;
But, though it answers as a puff,
It never has effect enough
To make it worth the trouble.

" Long bills soon quenched the little thirst
I had for being funny.
The setting-up is always worst:
Such heaps of things you want at first,
One must be made of money!

" For instance, take a Haunted Tower,
With skull, cross-bones, and sheet;
Blue lights to burn (say) two an hour,
Condensing lens of extra power,
And set of chains complete:

" What with the things you have to hire —
The fitting on the robe —
And testing all the coloured fire —
The outfit of itself would tire
The patience of a Job!

" And then they 're so fastidious,
The Haunted-House Committee:
I 've often known them make a fuss
Because a Ghost was French, or Russ,
Or even from the City!

" Some dialects are objected to —
For one, the Irish brogue is:
And then, for all you have to do,
One pound a week they offer you,
And find yourself in Bogies! "