In days of old,
So I've been told,
The monkeys gave a feast.
They sent out cards,
With kind regards,
To every bird and beast.
The guests came dressed,
In fashion's best,
Unmindful of expense;
Except the whale,
Whose swallowtail,
Was " soaked " for fifty cents.

The guests checked wraps,
Canes, hats and caps;
And when that task was done,
The footman he
With dignitee,
Announced them one by one.
In Monkey Hall,
The host met all,
And hoped they'd feel at ease,
" I scarcely can, "
Said the Black and Tan,
" I'm busy hunting fleas. "

" While waiting for
A score or more
Of guests, " the hostess said,
" We'll have the Poodle
Sing Yankee Doodle ,
A-standing on his head.
And when this is through,
Good Parrot, you,
Please show them how you swear. "
" Oh, dear; don't cuss, "
Cried the Octopus,
And he walked off on his ear.

The Orang-Outang
A sea-song sang,
About a Chimpanzee
Who went abroad,
In a drinking gourd,
To the coast of Barbaree.
Where he heard one night,
When the moon shone bright,
A school of mermaids pick
Chromatic scales
From off their tails,
And did it mighty slick.

" All guests are here,
To eat the cheer,
And dinner's served, my Lord. "
The butler bowed;
And then the crowd
Rushed in with one accord.
The fiddler-crab
Came in a cab,
And played a piece in C;
While on his horn,
The Unicorn
Blew, You'll Remember Me .

" To give a touch
Of early Dutch
To this great feast of feasts,
I'll drink ten drops
Of Holland's schnapps, "
Spoke out the King of Beasts.
" That must taste fine, "
Said the Porcupine,
" Did you see him smack his lip? "
" I'd smack mine, too, "
Cried the Kangaroo,
" If I didn't have the pip. "

The Lion stood,
And said: " Be good
Enough to look this way;
Court Etiquette
Do not forget,
And mark well what I say:
My royal wish
Is ev'ry dish
Be tasted first by me. "
" Here's where I smile, "
Said the Crocodile,
And he climbed an axle-tree.

The soup was brought,
And quick as thought,
The Lion ate it all.
" You can't beat that, "
Exclaimed the Cat,
" For monumental gall. "
" The soup, " all cried.
" Gone, " Leo replied,
" 'Twas just a bit too thick. "
" When we get through, "
Remarked the Gnu,
" I'll hit him with a brick. "

The Tiger stepped,
Or, rather, crept,
Up where the Lion sat.
" O, mighty boss
I'm at a loss
To know where I am at.
I came to-night
With appetite
To drink and also eat;
As a Tiger grand,
I now demand,
I get there with both feet. "

The Lion got
All-fired hot
And in a passion flew.
" Get out, " he cried,
" And save your hide,
You most offensive You . "
" I'm not afraid, "
The Tiger said,
" I know what I'm about. "
But the Lion's paw
Reached the Tiger's jaw,
And he was good and out.

The salt-sea smell
Of Mackerel,
Upon the air arose;
Each hungry guest
Great joy expressed,
And " sniff! " went every nose.
With glutton look
The Lion took
The spiced and sav'ry dish.
Without a pause
He worked his jaws,
And gobbled all the fish.

Then ate the roast,
The quail on toast,
The pork, both fat and lean;
The jam and lamb,
The potted ham,
And drank the kerosene.
He raised his voice:
" Come, all rejoice,
You've seen your monarch dine. "
" Never again, "
Clucked the Hen,
And all sang Old Lang Syne .