Classic Poem

Jove call'd before him t'other Day
The Vowels, U, O, I, E, A,
All Dipthongs , and all Consonants ,
Either of England or of France ;
And all that were, or wish'd to be,
Rank'd in the Name of Tom D'Urfy .

 Fierce in this Cause, the Letters spoke all,
Liquids grew rough, and Mutes turn'd vocal:
Those four proud Syllables alone
Were silent, which by Fates Decree
Chim'd in so smoothly, one by one,
To the sweet Name of Tom D'Urfy .

  N , by whom Names subsist, declar'd,
To have no Place in this was hard:
And Q maintain'd 'twas but his Due
Still to keep Company with U ;
So hop'd to stand no less than he
In the great Name of Tom D'Urfy .

  E shew'd, a Comma ne'er could claim
A Place in any British Name;
Yet making here a perfect Botch,
Thrusts your poor Vowel from his Notch:
Hiatus mî valde deflendus!
From which good Jupiter defend us!
Sooner I'd quit my Part in thee,
Than be no Part in Tom D'Urfy .

  P protested, puff'd, and swore,
He'd not be serv'd so like a Beast;
He was a Piece of Emperor,
And made up half a Pope at least.
C vow'd, he'd frankly have releas'd
His double Share in Cæsar Caius ,
For only one in Tom Durfeius .

  I , Consonant and Vowel too,
To Jupiter did humbly sue,
That of his Grace he would proclaim
Durfeius his true Latin Name;
For tho' without them both, 'twas clear,
Himself could ne'er be Jupiter ;
Yet they'd resign that Post so high,
To be the Genitive, Durfei .

  B and L swore Bl - - - and W - - -s
X and Z cry'd, P - x and Z - - - s
G swore, by G - d, it ne'er should be;
And W would not lose, not he,
An English Letter 's Property,
In the great Name of Tom Durfy .

 In short, the rest were all in Fray,
From Christcross to Et cætera .
They, tho' but Standers-by too, mutter'd;
Dipthongs, and Tripthongs, swore and stutter'd,
That none had so much Right to be
Part of the Name of stuttering T - - -
T - - Tom - - a - - as - - De - - Dur - - fe - - fy .

 Then Jove thus spake: With Care and Pain
We form'd this Name, renown'd in Rhyme;
Not thine, Immortal Neufgermain!
Cost studious Cabalists more Time.
Yet now, as then, you all declare,
Far hence to Egypt you'll repair,
And turn strange Hieroglyphicks there;
Rather than Letters longer be,
Unless i' th' Name of Tom D'Urfy .

 Were you all pleas'd, yet what I pray,
To foreign Letters cou'd I say?
What if the Hebrew next should aim
To turn quite backward D'Urfy 's Name?
Should the Greek quarrel too, by Styx , I
Cou'd ne'er bring in Psi and Xi ;
Omicron and Omega from us
Wou'd each hope to be O in Thomas ;
And all th' ambitious Vowels vie,
No less than Pythagorick Y ,
To have a Place in Tom D'Urfy .

 Then, well-belov'd and trusty Letters!
Cons'nants! and Vowels, (much their betters,)
WE , willing to repair this Breach,
And, all that in us lies, please each;
Et cæt'ra to our Aid must call,
Et cæt'ra represents ye all:
Et cæt'ra therefore, we decree,
Henceforth for ever join'd shall be
To the great Name of Tom Durfy