Volpone - Act 5
SCENE 1
VOLPONE Well, I am here, and all this brunt is past
I ne'er was in dislike with my disguise
Till this fled moment, here 'twas good, in private,
But in your public — cave whilst I breathe
'Fore God, my left leg 'gan to have the cramp,
And I apprehended straight some power had struck me
With a dead palsy. Well! I must be merry,
And shake it off. A many of these fears
Would put me into some villainous disease,
Should they come thick upon me: I'll prevent 'em
Give me a bowl of lusty wine, to fright
This humor from my heart — Hum, hum, hum!
'Tis almost gone already, I shall conquer.
Any device, now, of rare ingenious knavery,
That would possess me with a violent laughter,
Would make me up again — So, so, so, so!
This heat is life; 'tis blood by this time! Mosca!
SCENE 2
MOSCA How now, sir? Does the day look clear again?
Are we recovered? and wrought out of error
Into our way, to see our path before us?
Is our trade free once more?
VOLPONE Exquisite Mosca!
MOSCA Was it not carried learnedly?
VOLPONE And stoutly,
Good wits are greatest in extremities
MOSCA It were a folly beyond thought, to trust
Any grand act unto a cowardly spirit
You are not taken with it enough, methinks.
VOLPONE O, more than if I had enjoyed the wench;
The pleasure of all womankind's not like it
MOSCA Why, now you speak, sir! We must here be fixed;
Here we must rest. This is our masterpiece;
We cannot think to go beyond this
VOLPONE True,
Thou'st played thy prize, my precious Mosca
MOSCA Nay, sir,
To gull the court —
VOLPONE And quite divert the torrent
Upon the innocent
MOSCA Yes, and to make
So rare a music out of discords —
VOLPONE Right
That yet to me's the strangest! how thou'st borne it
That these, being so divided 'mongst themselves,
Should not scent somewhat, or in me or thee,
Or doubt their own side
MOSCA True, they will not see 't.
Too much light blinds them, I think. Each of them
Is so possessed and stuffed with his own hopes
That anything unto the contrary,
Never so true, or never so apparent,
Never so palpable, they will resist it —
VOLPONE Like a temptation of the devil.
MOSCA Right, sir
Merchants may talk of trade, and your great signors
Of land that yields well; but if Italy
Have any glebe more fruitful than these fellows,
I am deceived. Did not your advocate rare?
VOLPONE O — My most honored fathers, my grave fathers ,
Under correction of your fatherhoods,
What face of truth is here? If these strange deeds
May pass, most honored fathers — I had much ado
To forbear laughing
MOSCA It seemed to me you sweat, sir
VOLPONE In troth, I did a little
MOSCA But confess, sir,
Were you not daunted?
VOLPONE In good faith, I was
A little in a mist, but not dejected;
Never but still myself.
MOSCA I think it, sir
Now, so truth help me, I must needs say this, sir,
And out of conscience for your advocate —
He has taken pains, in faith, sir, and deserved,
In my poor judgment (I speak it under favor,
Not to contrary you, sir) very richly —
Well — to be cozened
VOLPONE Troth, and I think so too,
By that I heard him, in the latter end
MOSCA O, but before, sir: had you heard him first
Draw it to certain heads, then aggravate,
Then use his vehement figures — I looked still
When he would shift a shirt; and doing this
Out of pure love, no hope of gain —
VOLPONE 'Tis right
I cannot answer him, Mosca, as I would,
Not yet; but for thy sake, at thy entreaty,
I will begin e'en now to vex them all,
This very instant
MOSCA Good, sir
VOLPONE Call the dwarf
And eunuch forth.
MOSCA Castrone, Nano!
NANO Here
VOLPONE Shall we have a jig now?
MOSCA What you please, sir
VOLPONE Go,
Straight give out about the streets, you two,
That I am dead; do it with constancy,
Sadly, do you hear? Impute it to the grief
Of this late slander.
MOSCA What do you mean, sir?
VOLPONE O,
I shall have instantly my vulture, crow,
Raven, come flying hither on the news
To peck for carrion, my she-wolf and all,
Greedy, and full of expectation —
MOSCA And then to have it ravished from their mouths!
VOLPONE 'Tis true. I will have thee put on a gown,
And take upon thee as thou wert mine heir;
Show them a will. Open that chest and reach
Forth one of those that has the blanks, I'll straight
Put in thy name
MOSCA It will be rare, sir
VOLPONE Ay,
When they e'en gape, and find themselves deluded
MOSCA Yes
VOLPONE And thou use them scurvily! Dispatch,
Get on thy gown.
MOSCA But what, sir, if they ask
After the body?
VOLPONE Say it was corrupted.
MOSCA I'll say it stunk, sir; and was fain to have it
Coffined up instantly and sent away
VOLPONE Anything, what thou wilt. Hold, here's my will
Get thee a cap, a count-book, pen and ink,
Papers afore thee; sit as thou wert taking
An inventory of parcels. I'll get up
Behind the curtain, on a stool, and hearken;
Sometime peep over, see how they do look,
With what degrees their blood doth leave their faces
O, 'twill afford me a rare meal of laughter!
MOSCA
Your advocate will turn stark dull upon it
VOLPONE It will take off his oratory's edge
MOSCA But your clarissimo, old round-back, he
Will crump you like a hog louse with the touch
VOLPONE And what Corvino?
MOSCA O, sir, look for him
Tomorrow morning with a rope and dagger
To visit all the streets; he must run mad
My lady too, that came into the court
To bear false witness for your worship —
VOLPONE Yes,
And kissed me 'fore the fathers, when my face
Flowed all with oils
MOSCA And sweat, sir. Why, your gold
Is such another medicine, it dries up
All those offensive savors; it transforms
The most deformed, and restores them lovely,
As 'twere the strange poetical girdle. Jove
Could not invent t' himself a shroud more subtle
To pass Acrisius' guards. It is the thing
Makes all the world her grace, her youth, her beauty
VOLPONE I think she loves me.
MOSCA Who? the lady, sir?
She's jealous of you
VOLPONE Dost thou say so?
MOSCA Hark,
There's some already
VOLPONE Look
MOSCA It is the vulture;
He has the quickest scent.
VOLPONE I'll to my place,
Thou to thy posture
MOSCA I am set
VOLPONE But, Mosca,
Play the artificer now, torture them rarely
SCENE 3
VOLTORE How now, my Mosca?
MOSCA Turkey carpets, nine —
VOLTORE Taking an inventory? That is well
MOSCA Two suits of bedding, tissue —
VOLTORE Where's the will?
Let me read that the while
CORBACCIO So, set me down,
And get you home
VOLTORE Is he come now to trouble us?
MOSCA Of cloth of gold, two more —
CORBACCIO Is it done, Mosca?
MOSCA Of several velvets, eight —
VOLTORE I like his care
CORBACCIO Dost thou not hear?
CORVINO Ha! is the hour come, Mosca?
VOLPONE Ay, now they muster.
CORVINO What does the advocate here,
Or this Corbaccio?
CORBACCIO What do these here?
LADY POLITIC Mosca!
Is his thread spun?
MOSCA Eight chests of linen —
VOLPONE O,
My fine Dame Would-be, too!
CORVINO Mosca, the will,
That I may show it these, and rid them hence.
MOSCA Six chests of diaper, four of damask — There.
CORBACCIO Is that the will?
MOSCA Down-beds, and bolsters —
VOLPONE Rare!
Be busy still. Now they began to flutter:
They never think of me Look, see, see, see!
How their swift eyes run over the long deed,
Unto the name, and to the legacies,
What is bequeathed them there —
MOSCA Ten suits of hangings —
VOLPONE Ay, in their garters, Mosca Now their hopes
Are at the gasp
VOLTORE Mosca the heir!
CORBACCIO What's that?
VOLPONE My advocate is dumb; look to my merchant;
He has heard of some strange storm, a ship is lost,
He faints; my lady will swoon Old glazen-eyes,
He hath not reached his despair yet.
CORBACCIO All these
Are out of hope; I am, sure, the man
CORVINO But, Mosca —
MOSCA Two cabinets —
CORVINO Is this in earnest?
MOSCA One
Of ebony —
CORVINO Or do you but delude me?
MOSCA The other, mother of pearl — I am very busy
Good faith, it is a fortune thrown upon me —
Item, one salt of agate — not my seeking
LADY POLITIC Do you hear, sir?
MOSCA A perfumed box — Pray you forbear,
You see I'm troubled — made of an onyx —
LADY POLITIC How!
MOSCA Tomorrow or next day I shall be at leisure
To talk with you all
CORVINO Is this my large hope's issue?
LADY POLITIC Sir, I must have a fairer answer
MOSCA Madam!
Marry, and shall: pray you, fairly quit my house.
Nay, raise no tempest with your looks, but hark you:
Remember what your ladyship offered me
To put you in an heir; go to, think on it,
And what you said e'en your best madams did
For maintenance; and why not you? Enough
Go home, and use the poor Sir Pol, your knight, well,
For fear I tell some riddles; go, be melancholic
VOLPONE O, my fine devil!
CORVINO Mosca, pray you a word
MOSCA Lord! will not you take your dispatch hence yet?
Methinks, of all, you should have been the example
Why should you stay here? With what thought, what promise?
Hear you: do not you know I know you an ass,
And that you would most fain have been a wittol,
If fortune would have let you? That you are
A declared cuckold, on good terms? This pearl,
You'll say, was yours? Right This diamond?
I'll not deny 't, but thank you Much here else?
It may be so Why, think that these good works
May help to hide your bad. I'll not betray you;
Although you be but extraordinary,
And have it only in title, it sufficeth;
Go home, be melancholic too, or mad.
VOLPONE Rare Mosca! How his villainy becomes him!
VOLTORE Certain he doth delude all these for me
CORBACCIO Mosca the heir!
VOLPONE O, his four eyes have found it!
CORBACCIO I am cozened, cheated, by a parasite slave;
Harlot, thou hast gulled me
MOSCA Yes, sir Stop your mouth,
Or I shall draw the only tooth is left.
Are not you he, that filthy covetous wretch,
With the three legs, that here, in hope of prey,
Have, any time this three year, snuffed about
With your most groveling nose, and would have hired
Me to the poisoning of my patron, sir?
Are not you he that have today in court
Professed the disinheriting of your son?
Perjured yourself? Go home, and die, and stink;
If you but croak a syllable, all comes out:
Away, and call your porters!
— Go, go stink.
VOLPONE Excellent varlet!
VOLTORE Now, my faithful Mosca,
I find thy constancy —
MOSCA Sir?
VOLTORE Sincere
MOSCA A table
Of porphyry — I mar'l you'll be thus troublesome
VOLTORE Nay, leave off now, they are gone
MOSCA Why, who are you?
What! Who did send for you? O, cry you mercy,
Reverend sir! Good faith, I am grieved for you
That any chance of mine should thus defeat
Your (I must needs say) most deserving travails:
But I protest, sir, it was cast upon me,
And I could almost wish to be without it,
But that the will o' the dead must be observed.
Marry, my joy is that you need it not;
You have a gift, sir (thank your education),
Will never let you want while there are men
And malice to breed causes. Would I had
But half the like, for all my fortune, sir!
If I have any suits (as I do hope,
Things being so easy and direct, I shall not),
I will make bold with your obstreperous aid —
Conceive me — for your fee, sir. In meantime,
You that have so much law, I know have the conscience
Not to be covetous of what is mine
Good sir, I thank you for my plate; 'twill help
To set up a young man Good faith, you look
As you were costive; best go home and purge, sir
VOLPONE Bid him eat lettuce well My witty mischief,
Let me embrace thee. O that I could now
Transform thee to a Venus! — Mosca, go,
Straight take my habit of clarissimo,
And walk the streets; be seen, torment them more.
We must pursue, as well as plot. Who would
Have lost this feast?
MOSCA I doubt it will lose them
VOLPONE O, my recovery shall recover all
That I could now but think on some disguise
To meet them in, and ask them questions;
How I would vex them still at every turn!
MOSCA Sir, I can fit you.
VOLPONE Canst thou?
MOSCA Yes, I know
One o' the commendatori, sir, so like you;
Him will I straight make drunk, and bring you his habit
VOLPONE A rare disguise, and answering thy brain!
O, I will be a sharp disease unto them.
MOSCA Sir, you must look for curses —
VOLPONE Till they burst;
The fox fares ever best when he is cursed.
SCENE 4. A hall in SIR POLITIC 's house .
PEREGRINE Am I enough disguised?
1 MERCHANT I warrant you.
PEREGRINE All my ambition is to fright him only
2 MERCHANT If you could ship him away, 'twere excellent
3 MERCHANT To Zant, or to Aleppo?
PEREGRINE Yes, and have his
Adventures put i' the Book of Voyages,
And his gulled story registered for truth.
Well, gentlemen, when I am in a while,
And that you think us warm in our discourse,
Know your approaches
1 MERCHANT Trust it to our care
PEREGRINE Save you, fair lady! Is Sir Pol within?
WOMAN I do not know, sir.
PEREGRINE Pray you say unto him,
Here is a merchant upon earnest business
Desires to speak with him.
WOMAN I will see, sir
PEREGRINE Pray you —
I see the family is all female here.
WOMAN He says, sir, he has weighty affairs of state
That now require him whole; some other time
You may possess him.
PEREGRINE Pray you say again,
If those require him whole, these will exact him,
Whereof I bring him tidings. — What might be
His grave affair of state now? How to make
Bolognian sausages here in Venice, sparing
One o' the ingredients?
WOMAN Sir, he says he knows
By your word tidings that you are no statesman,
And therefore wills you stay
PEREGRINE Sweet, pray you return him;
I have not read so many proclamations,
And studied them for words, as he has done —
But — here he deigns to come.
SIR POLITIC Sir, I must crave
Your courteous pardon. There hath chanced today
Unkind disaster 'twixt my lady and me;
And I was penning my apology,
To give her satisfaction, as you came now.
PEREGRINE Sir, I am grieved I bring you worse disaster:
The gentleman you met at the port today,
That told you he was newly arrived —
SIR POLITIC Ay, was
A fugitive punk?
PEREGRINE No, sir, a spy set on you;
And he has made relation to the Senate
That you professed to him to have a plot
To sell the state of Venice to the Turk
SIR POLITIC O me!
PEREGRINE For which, warrants are signed by this time
To apprehend you and to search your study
For papers —
SIR POLITIC Alas, sir, I have none but notes
Drawn out of play-books —
PEREGRINE All the better, sir
SIR POLITIC And some essays. What shall I do?
PEREGRINE Sir, best
Convey yourself into a sugar-chest;
Or, if you could lie round, a frail were rare,
And I could send you aboard
SIR POLITIC Sir, I but talked so,
For discourse' sake merely
PEREGRINE Hark! they are there
SIR POLITIC I am a wretch, a wretch!
PEREGRINE What will you do, sir?
Have you ne'er a currant-butt to leap into?
They'll put you to the rack; you must be sudden.
SIR POLITIC Sir, I have an engine —
3 MERCHANT Sir Politic Would-be!
2 MERCHANT Where is he?
SIR POLITIC That I have thought upon before-time.
PEREGRINE What is it?
SIR POLITIC I shall ne'er endure the torture.
Marry, it is, sir, of a tortoise-shell,
Fitted for these extremities: pray you, sir, help me
Here I've a place, sir, to put back my legs;
Please you to lay it on, sir. — With this cap
And my black gloves, I'll lie, sir, like a tortoise,
Till they are gone
PEREGRINE And call you this an engine?
SIR POLITIC Mine own device — Good sir, bid my wife's women
To burn my papers.
1 MERCHANT Where is he hid?
2 MERCHANT We must,
And will, sure, find him
2 MERCHANT Which is his study?
1 MERCHANT What
Are you, sir?
PEREGRINE I am a merchant, that came here
To look upon this tortoise
3 MERCHANT How!
1 MERCHANT St Mark!
What beast is this?
PEREGRINE It is a fish
2 MERCHANT Come out here!
PEREGRINE Nay, you may strike him, sir, and tread upon him:
He'll bear a cart.
1 MERCHANT What, to run over him?
PEREGRINE Yes.
3 MERCHANT Let's jump upon him
2 MERCHANT Can he not go?
PEREGRINE He creeps, sir.
1 MERCHANT Let's see him creep.
PEREGRINE No, good sir, you will hurt him
2 MERCHANT 'Heart, I will see him creep, or prick his guts.
3 MERCHANT Come out here!
PEREGRINE Pray you, sir! — Creep a little.
1 MERCHANT Forth!
2 MERCHANT Yet farther
PEREGRINE Good sir! — Creep.
2 MERCHANT We'll see his legs
3 MERCHANT God's so, he has garters!
1 MERCHANT Ay, and gloves!
2 MERCHANT Is this
Your fearful tortoise?
PEREGRINE Now, Sir Pol, we are even;
For your next project I shall be prepared.
I am sorry for the funeral of your notes; sir
1 MERCHANT 'Twere a rare motion to be seen in Fleet Street.
2 MERCHANT Ay, in the Term.
1 MERCHANT Or Smithfield, in the fair
3 MERCHANT Methinks 'tis but a melancholic sight.
PEREGRINE Farewell, most politic tortoise!
SIR POLITIC Where's my lady?
Knows she of this?
WOMAN I know not, sir
SIR POLITIC Inquire.
O, I shall be the fable of all feasts,
The freight of the gazetti, ship-boys' tale;
And, which is worst, even talk for ordinaries
WOMAN My lady's come most melancholic home
And says, sir, she will straight to sea, for physic.
SIR POLITIC And I, to shun this place and clime forever
Creeping with house on back, and think it well
To shrink my poor head in my politic shell.
SCENE 5 A room in VOLPONE 's house
VOLPONE Am I then like him?
MOSCA O, sir, you are he
No man can sever you
VOLPONE Good.
MOSCA But what am I?
VOLPONE 'Fore heaven, a brave clarissimo ; thou becom'st it!
Pity thou wert not born one.
MOSCA If I hold
My made one, 'twill be well
VOLPONE I'll go and see
What news first at the court
MOSCA Do so. My fox
Is out of his hole, and ere he shall re-enter
I'll make him languish in his borrowed case,
Except he come to composition with me —
Androgyno, Castrone, Nano!
ALL Here
MOSCA Go, recreate yourselves abroad; go, sport —
So, now I have the keys and am possessed
Since he will needs be dead afore his time,
I'll bury him, or gain by him. I am his heir,
And so will keep me, till he share at least
To cozen him of all were but a cheat
Well placed; no man would construe it a sin:
Let his sport pay for 't This is called the fox trap.
SCENE 6 A street .
CORBACCIO They say the court is set.
CORVINO We must maintain
Our first tale good, for both our reputations.
CORBACCIO Why, mine's no tale; my son would there have killed me.
CORVINO That's true, I had forgot — Mine is, I'm sure.
But for your will, sir
CORBACCIO Ay, I'll come upon him
For that hereafter, now his patron's dead
VOLPONE Signor Corvino! and Corbaccio! Sir,
Much joy unto you.
CORVINO Of what?
VOLPONE The sudden good
Dropped down upon you —
CORBACCIO Where?
VOLPONE And none knows how,
From old Volpone, sir.
CORBACCIO Out, arrant knave!
VOLPONE Let not your too much wealth, sir, make you furious
CORBACCIO Away, thou varlet.
VOLPONE Why, sir?
CORBACCIO Dost thou mock me?
VOLPONE You mock the world, sir; did you not change wills?
CORBACCIO Out, harlot!
VOLPONE O! belike you are the man,
Signor Corvino? Faith, you carry it well;
You grow not mad withal; I love your spirit
You are not over-leavened with your fortune.
You should have some would swell now, like a wine-vat,
With such an autumn — Did he give you all, sir?
CORVINO Avoid, you rascal!
VOLPONE Troth, your wife has shown
Herself a very woman; but you are well,
You need not care, you have a good estate
To bear it out, sir; better by this chance
Except Corbaccio have a share.
CORBACCIO Hence, varlet.
VOLPONE You will not be a known, sir; why, 'tis wise.
Thus do all gamesters, at all games, dissemble;
No man will seem to win.
— Here comes my vulture,
Heaving his beak up in the air, and snuffing
SCENE 7
VOLTORE Outstripped thus, by a parasite! a slave,
Would run on errands, and make legs for crumbs!
Well, what I'll do —
VOLPONE The court stays for your worship
I e'en rejoice, sir, at your worship's happiness,
And that it fell into so learned hands,
That understand the fingering —
VOLTORE What do you mean?
VOLPONE I mean to be a suitor to your worship
For the small tenement, out of reparations —
That at the end of your long row of houses,
By the Pescheria; it was, in Volpone's time,
Your predecessor, ere he grew diseased,
A handsome, pretty, customed bawdyhouse
As any was in Venice — none dispraised;
But fell with him. His body and that house
Decayed together.
VOLTORE Come, sir, leave your prating
VOLPONE Why, if your worship give me but your hand
That I may have the refusal, I have done
'Tis a mere toy to you, sir; candle-rents;
As your learned worship knows —
VOLTORE What do I know?
VOLPONE Marry, no end of your wealth, sir; God decrease it!
VOLTORE Mistaking knave! what, mock'st thou my misfortune?
VOLPONE His blessing on your heart, sir; would 'twere more!
— Now to my first again, at the next corner
SCENE 8 Another part of the street
CORBACCIO See, in our habit! See the impudent varlet!
CORVINO That I could shoot mine eyes at him like gun-stones!
VOLPONE But is this true, sir, of the parasite?
CORBACCIO Again, to afflict us! Monster!
VOLPONE In good faith, sir,
I'm heartily grieved a beard of your grave length
Should be so over-reached I never brooked
That parasite's hair; methought his nose should cozen
There still was somewhat in his look did promise
The bane of a clarissimo
CORBACCIO Knave —
VOLPONE Methinks
Yet you, that are so traded in the world,
A witty merchant, the fine bird Corvino,
That have such moral emblems on your name,
Should not have sung your shame, and dropped your cheese,
To let the fox laugh at your emptiness
CORVINO Sirrah, you think the privilege of the place,
And your red saucy cap, that seems to me
Nailed to your jolt-head with those two sequins,
Can warrant your abuses. Come you hither;
You shall perceive, sir, I dare beat you; approach
VOLPONE No haste, sir, I do know your valor well,
Since you durst publish what you are, sir
CORVINO Tarry,
I'd speak with you.
VOLPONE Sir, sir, another time —
CORVINO Nay, now
VOLPONE O God, sir! I were a wise man,
Would stand the fury of a distracted cuckold
CORBACCIO What, come again!
VOLPONE Upon 'em, Mosca; save me.
CORBACCIO The air's infected where he breathes
CORVINO Let's fly him.
VOLPONE Excellent basilisk! Turn upon the vulture
SCENE 9
VOLTORE Well, flesh-fly, it is summer with you now;
Your winter will come on
MOSCA Good advocate,
Pray thee not rail, nor threaten out of place thus;
Thou'lt make a solecism, as Madam says
Get you a biggen more; your brain breaks loose
VOLTORE Well, sir
VOLPONE Would you have me beat the insolent slave,
Throw dirt upon his first good clothes?
VOLTORE This same
Is doubtless some familiar
VOLPONE Sir, the court,
In troth, stays for you. I am mad, a mule
That never read Justinian should get up
And ride an advocate. Had you no quirk
To avoid gullage, sir, by such a creature?
I hope you do but jest; he has not done it;
This 's but confederacy to blind the rest
You are the heir?
VOLTORE A strange, officious,
Troublesome knave! Thou dost torment me
VOLPONE I know —
It cannot be, sir, that you should be cozened;
'Tis not within the wit of man to do it;
You are so wise, so prudent; and 'tis fit
That wealth and wisdom still should go together.
SCENE 10. The Scrutineo
1 AVOCATORE Are all the parties here?
NOTARIO All but the advocate
2 AVOCATORE And here he comes
1 AVOCATORE Then bring them forth to sentence
VOLTORE O, my most honored fathers, let your mercy
Once win upon your justice, to forgive —
I am distracted —
VOLPONE What will he do now?
VOLTORE O,
I know not which to address myself to first;
Whether your fatherhoods, or these innocents —
CORVINO Will he betray himself?
VOLTORE Whom equally
I have abused, out of most covetous ends —
CORVINO The man is mad!
CORBACCIO What's that?
CORVINO He is possessed.
VOLTORE For which, now struck in conscience, here I prostrate,
Myself at your offended feet, for pardon
1, 2 AVOCATORI Arise.
CELIA O heaven, how just thou art!
VOLPONE I am caught
In mine own hoose —
CORVINO Be constant, sir; naught now
Can help, but impudence
1 AVOCATORE Speak forward
COMMENDATORE Silence!
VOLTORE It is not passion in me, reverend fathers,
But only conscience, conscience, my good sires,
That makes me now tell truth. That parasite,
That knave, hath been the instrument of all.
1 AVOCATORE Where is that knave? Fetch him.
VOLPONE I go
CORVINO Grave fathers,
This man's distracted; he confessed it now;
For, hoping to be old Volpone's heir,
Who now is dead —
3 AVOCATORE How!
2 AVOCATORE Is Volpone dead?
CORVINO Dead since, grave fathers
BONARIO O sure vengeance!
1 AVOCATORE Stay!
Then he was no deceiver?
VOLTORE O no, none;
The parasite, grave fathers
CORVINO He does speak
Out of mere envy, 'cause the servant's made
The thing he gaped for. Please your fatherhoods,
This is the truth, though I'll not justify
The other but he may be some-deal faulty
VOLTORE Ay, to your hopes, as well as mine, Corvino.
But I'll use modesty. Pleaseth your wisdoms
To view these certain notes, and but confer them;
As I hope favor, they shall speak clear truth
CORVINO The devil has entered him!
BONARIO Or bides in you:
4 AVOCATORE We have done ill, by a public officer
To send for him, if he be heir.
2 AVOCATORE For whom?
4 AVOCATORE Him that they call the parasite.
3 AVOCATORE 'Tis true,
He is a man of great estate now left
4 AVOCATORE Go you and learn his name, and say the court
Entreats his presence here, but to the clearing
Of some few doubts
2 AVOCATORE This same's a labyrinth!
1 AVOCATORE Stand you unto your first report?
CORVINO My state,
My life, my fame —
BONARIO Where is it?
CORVINO Are at the stake
1 AVOCATORE Is yours so too?
CORBACCIO The advocate's a knave;
And has a forked tongue —
2 AVOCATORE Speak to the point
CORBACCIO So is the parasite too
1 AVOCATORE This is confusion
VOLTORE I do beseech your fatherhoods, read but those —
CORVINO And credit nothing the false spirit hath writ;
It cannot be but he's possessed, grave fathers
SCENE 11 A street
VOLPONE To make a snare for mine own neck! and run
My head into it, wilfully! with laughter!
When I had newly scaped, was free and clear!
Out of mere wantonness! O, the dull devil
Was in this brain of mine, when I devised it,
And Mosca gave it second; he must now
Help to sear up this vein, or we bleed dead
How now! Who let you loose? Whither go you now?
What? to buy gingerbread, or to drown kitlings?
NANO Sir, Master Mosca called us out of doors,
And bid us all go play, and took the keys
ANDROGYNO Yes
VOLPONE Did Master Mosca take the keys? Why, so!
I'm farther in. These are my fine conceits!
I must be merry, with a mischief to me!
What a vile wretch was I, that could not bear
My fortune soberly! I must have my crotchets,
And my conundrums! Well, go you and seek him.
His meaning may be truer than my fear.
Bid him, he straight come to me, to the court;
Thither will I, and, if 't be possible,
Unscrew my advocate, upon new hopes
When I provoked him, then I lost myself.
SCENE 12 The Scrutineo
1 AVOCATORE
These things can ne'er be reconciled He here
Professeth that the gentleman was wronged,
And that the gentlewoman was brought thither,
Forced by her husband, and there left
VOLTORE Most true.
CELIA How ready is heaven to those that pray!
1 AVOCATORE But that
Volpone would have ravished her, he holds
Utterly false, knowing his impotence
CORVINO Grave fathers, he's possessed; again, I say,
Possessed; nay, if there be possession and
Obsession, he has both.
3 AVOCATORE Here comes our officer
VOLPONE The parasite will straight be here, grave fathers
4 AVOCATORE You might invent some other name, sir varlet
3 AVOCATORE Did not the notary meet him?
VOLPONE Not that I know
4 AVOCATORE His coming will clear all
2 AVOCATORE Yet, it is misty.
VOLTORE May 't please your fatherhoods —
VOLPONE Sir, the parasite
Willed me to tell you that his master lives;
That you are still the man; your hopes the same;
And this was only a jest —
VOLTORE How?
VOLPONE Sir, to try
If you were firm, and how you stood affected
VOLTORE Art sure he lives?
VOLPONE Do I live, sir?
VOLTORE O me!
I was too violent
VOLPONE Sir, you may redeem it
They said you were possessed: fall down, and seem so
I'll help to make it good. — God bless the man!
Stop your wind hard, and swell — See, see, see, see!
He vomits crooked pins! His eyes are set,
Like a dead hare's hung in a poulter's shop!
His mouth's running away! Do you see, signor?
Now it is in his belly
CORVINO Ay, the devil!
VOLPONE Now in his throat.
CORVINO Ay, I perceive it plain.
VOLPONE 'Twill out, 'twill out! Stand clear! See where it flies;
In shape of a blue toad with a bat's wings!
Do not you see it, sir?
CORBACCIO What? I think I do
CORVINO 'Tis too manifest
VOLPONE Look! he comes to himself!
VOLTORE Where am I?
VOLPONE Take good heart, the worst is past, sir
You are dispossessed
1 AVOCATORE What accident is this?
2 AVOCATORE Sudden and full of wonder!
3 AVOCATORE If he were
Possessed, as it appears, all this is nothing
CORVINO He has been often subject to these fits
1 AVOCATORE Show him that writing — Do you know it, sir?
VOLPONE Deny it, sir, forswear it; know it not
VOLTORE Yes, I do know it well, it is my hand;
But all that it contains is false
BONARIO O practice!
2 AVOCATORE What maze is this?
1 AVOCATORE Is he not guilty then,
Whom you there name the parasite?
VOLTORE Grave fathers,
No more than his good patron, old Volpone
4 AVOCATORE Why, he is dead
VOLTORE O no, my honored fathers,
He lives —
1 AVOCATORE How! Lives?
VOLTORE Lives
2 AVOCATORE This is subtler yet!
3 AVOCATORE You said he was dead
VOLTORE Never
3 AVOCATORE You said so!
CORVINO I heard so
4 AVOCATORE Here comes the gentleman; make him way.
3 AVOCATORE A stool!
4 AVOCATORE A proper man; and, were Volpone dead,
A fit match for my daughter
3 AVOCATORE Give him way
VOLPONE Mosca, I was almost lost; the advocate
Had betrayed all; but now it is recovered;
All's on the hinge again — say I am living
MOSCA What busy knave is this! Most reverend fathers,
I sooner had attended your grave pleasures,
But that my order for the funeral
Of my dear patron did require me —
VOLPONE Mosca!
MOSCA Whom I intend to bury like a gentleman
VOLPONE Ay, quick, and cozen me of all
2 AVOCATORE Still stranger!
More intricate!
1 AVOCATORE And come about again!
4 AVOCATORE It is a match, my daughter is bestowed
MOSCA Will you give me half?
VOLPONE First I'll be hanged
MOSCA I know
Your voice is good, cry not so loud
1 AVOCATORE Demand
The advocate — Sir, did you not affirm
Volpone was alive?
VOLPONE Yes, and he is;
This gentleman told me so. Thou shalt have half
MOSCA Whose drunkard is this same? Speak, some that know him:
I never saw his face I cannot now
Afford it you so cheap
VOLPONE No?
1 AVOCATORE What say you?
VOLTORE The officer told me
VOLPONE I did, grave fathers,
And will maintain he lives, with mine own life,
And that this creature told me I was born
With all good stars my enemies.
MOSCA Most grave fathers,
If such an insolence as this must pass
Upon me, I am silent: 'twas not this
For which you sent, I hope
2 AVOCATORE Take him away
VOLPONE Mosca!
3 AVOCATORE Let him be whipped —
VOLPONE Wilt thou betray me?
Cozen me?
3 AVOCATORE And taught to bear himself
Toward a person of his rank
Away.
MOSCA I humbly thank your fatherhoods
Soft, soft. Whipped?
VOLPONE
And lose all that I have? If I confess,
It cannot be much more
4 AVOCATORE Sir, are you married?
VOLPONE They'll be allied anon; I must be resolute
The fox shall here uncase
MOSCA Patron!
VOLPONE Nay, now
My ruins shall not come alone; your match
I'll hinder sure: my substance shall not glue you
Nor screw you into a family
MOSCA Why, patron!
VOLPONE I am Volpone, and this is my knave;
This, his own knave; this, avarice's fool;
This, a chimera of wittol, fool, and knave
And, reverend fathers, since we all can hope
Nought but a sentence, let's not now despair it
You hear me brief
CORVINO May it please your fatherhoods —
COMMENDATORE Silence!
1 AVOCATORE The knot is now undone by miracle!
2 AVOCATORE Nothing can be more clear
3 AVOCATORE Or can more prove
These innocent
1 AVOCATORE Give them their liberty.
BONARIO Heaven could not long let such gross crimes be hid
2 AVOCATORE If this be held the highway to get riches,
May I be poor!
3 AVOCATORE This is not gain, but torment
1 AVOCATORE These possess wealth as sick men possess fevers,
Which trulier may be said to possess them
2 AVOCATORE Disrobe that parasite
CORVINO, MOSCA Most honored fathers!
1 AVOCATORE Can you plead aught to stay the course of justice?
If you can, speak
CORVINO, VOLTORE We beg favor
CELIA And mercy
1 AVOCATORE You hurt your innocence, suing for the guilty
Stand forth; and first the parasite. You appear
T' have been the chiefest minister, if not plotter,
In all these lewd impostures; and now, lastly,
Have with your impudence abused the court,
And habit of a gentleman of Venice,
Being a fellow of no birth or blood:
For which our sentence is, first, thou be whipped;
Then live perpetual prisoner in our galleys
VOLPONE I thank you for him
MOSCA Bane to thy wolfish nature!
1 AVOCATORE Deliver him to the Saffi
— Thou, Volpone,
By blood and rank a gentleman, canst not fall
Under like censure; but our judgment on thee
Is that thy substance all be straight confiscate
To the hospital of the Incurabili
And, since the most was gotten by imposture,
By feigning lame, gout, palsy, and such diseases,
Thou art to lie in prison, cramped with irons,
Till thou be'st sick and lame indeed. Remove him
VOLPONE This is called mortifying of a fox
1 AVOCATORE Thou, Voltore, to take away the scandal
Thou hast given all worthy men of thy profession,
Art banished from their fellowship, and our state
Corbaccio! — bring him near — we here possess
Thy son of all thy state, and confine thee
To the monastery of San Spirito;
Where, since thou knew'st not how to live well here,
Thou shalt be learned to die well.
CORBACCIO Ha! what said he?
COMMENDATORE You shall know anon, sir
1 AVOCATORE Thou, Corvino, shalt
Be straight embarked from thine own house, and rowed
Round about Venice, through the Grand Canal,
Wearing a cap with fair long ass's ears
Instead of horns; and so to mount, a paper
Pinned on thy breast, to the Berlina —
CORVINO Yes,
And have mine eyes beat out with stinking fish,
Bruised fruit, and rotten eggs — 'Tis well: I'm glad
I shall not see my shame yet
1 AVOCATORE And to expiate
Thy wrongs done to thy wife, thou art to send her
Home, to her father, with her dowry trebled:
And these are all your judgments —
ALL Honored fathers!
1 AVOCATORE Which may not be revoked. Now you begin,
When crimes are done, and past, and to be punished,
To think what your crimes are: away with them!
Let all that see these vices thus rewarded,
Take heart, and love to study 'em! Mischiefs feed
Like beasts, till they be fat, and then they bleed
The seasoning of a play is the applause
Now, though the fox be punished by the laws,
He yet doth hope, there is no suffering due
For any fact which he hath done 'gainst you
If there be, censure him; here he doubtful stands
If not, fare jovially, and clap your hands.
VOLPONE Well, I am here, and all this brunt is past
I ne'er was in dislike with my disguise
Till this fled moment, here 'twas good, in private,
But in your public — cave whilst I breathe
'Fore God, my left leg 'gan to have the cramp,
And I apprehended straight some power had struck me
With a dead palsy. Well! I must be merry,
And shake it off. A many of these fears
Would put me into some villainous disease,
Should they come thick upon me: I'll prevent 'em
Give me a bowl of lusty wine, to fright
This humor from my heart — Hum, hum, hum!
'Tis almost gone already, I shall conquer.
Any device, now, of rare ingenious knavery,
That would possess me with a violent laughter,
Would make me up again — So, so, so, so!
This heat is life; 'tis blood by this time! Mosca!
SCENE 2
MOSCA How now, sir? Does the day look clear again?
Are we recovered? and wrought out of error
Into our way, to see our path before us?
Is our trade free once more?
VOLPONE Exquisite Mosca!
MOSCA Was it not carried learnedly?
VOLPONE And stoutly,
Good wits are greatest in extremities
MOSCA It were a folly beyond thought, to trust
Any grand act unto a cowardly spirit
You are not taken with it enough, methinks.
VOLPONE O, more than if I had enjoyed the wench;
The pleasure of all womankind's not like it
MOSCA Why, now you speak, sir! We must here be fixed;
Here we must rest. This is our masterpiece;
We cannot think to go beyond this
VOLPONE True,
Thou'st played thy prize, my precious Mosca
MOSCA Nay, sir,
To gull the court —
VOLPONE And quite divert the torrent
Upon the innocent
MOSCA Yes, and to make
So rare a music out of discords —
VOLPONE Right
That yet to me's the strangest! how thou'st borne it
That these, being so divided 'mongst themselves,
Should not scent somewhat, or in me or thee,
Or doubt their own side
MOSCA True, they will not see 't.
Too much light blinds them, I think. Each of them
Is so possessed and stuffed with his own hopes
That anything unto the contrary,
Never so true, or never so apparent,
Never so palpable, they will resist it —
VOLPONE Like a temptation of the devil.
MOSCA Right, sir
Merchants may talk of trade, and your great signors
Of land that yields well; but if Italy
Have any glebe more fruitful than these fellows,
I am deceived. Did not your advocate rare?
VOLPONE O — My most honored fathers, my grave fathers ,
Under correction of your fatherhoods,
What face of truth is here? If these strange deeds
May pass, most honored fathers — I had much ado
To forbear laughing
MOSCA It seemed to me you sweat, sir
VOLPONE In troth, I did a little
MOSCA But confess, sir,
Were you not daunted?
VOLPONE In good faith, I was
A little in a mist, but not dejected;
Never but still myself.
MOSCA I think it, sir
Now, so truth help me, I must needs say this, sir,
And out of conscience for your advocate —
He has taken pains, in faith, sir, and deserved,
In my poor judgment (I speak it under favor,
Not to contrary you, sir) very richly —
Well — to be cozened
VOLPONE Troth, and I think so too,
By that I heard him, in the latter end
MOSCA O, but before, sir: had you heard him first
Draw it to certain heads, then aggravate,
Then use his vehement figures — I looked still
When he would shift a shirt; and doing this
Out of pure love, no hope of gain —
VOLPONE 'Tis right
I cannot answer him, Mosca, as I would,
Not yet; but for thy sake, at thy entreaty,
I will begin e'en now to vex them all,
This very instant
MOSCA Good, sir
VOLPONE Call the dwarf
And eunuch forth.
MOSCA Castrone, Nano!
NANO Here
VOLPONE Shall we have a jig now?
MOSCA What you please, sir
VOLPONE Go,
Straight give out about the streets, you two,
That I am dead; do it with constancy,
Sadly, do you hear? Impute it to the grief
Of this late slander.
MOSCA What do you mean, sir?
VOLPONE O,
I shall have instantly my vulture, crow,
Raven, come flying hither on the news
To peck for carrion, my she-wolf and all,
Greedy, and full of expectation —
MOSCA And then to have it ravished from their mouths!
VOLPONE 'Tis true. I will have thee put on a gown,
And take upon thee as thou wert mine heir;
Show them a will. Open that chest and reach
Forth one of those that has the blanks, I'll straight
Put in thy name
MOSCA It will be rare, sir
VOLPONE Ay,
When they e'en gape, and find themselves deluded
MOSCA Yes
VOLPONE And thou use them scurvily! Dispatch,
Get on thy gown.
MOSCA But what, sir, if they ask
After the body?
VOLPONE Say it was corrupted.
MOSCA I'll say it stunk, sir; and was fain to have it
Coffined up instantly and sent away
VOLPONE Anything, what thou wilt. Hold, here's my will
Get thee a cap, a count-book, pen and ink,
Papers afore thee; sit as thou wert taking
An inventory of parcels. I'll get up
Behind the curtain, on a stool, and hearken;
Sometime peep over, see how they do look,
With what degrees their blood doth leave their faces
O, 'twill afford me a rare meal of laughter!
MOSCA
Your advocate will turn stark dull upon it
VOLPONE It will take off his oratory's edge
MOSCA But your clarissimo, old round-back, he
Will crump you like a hog louse with the touch
VOLPONE And what Corvino?
MOSCA O, sir, look for him
Tomorrow morning with a rope and dagger
To visit all the streets; he must run mad
My lady too, that came into the court
To bear false witness for your worship —
VOLPONE Yes,
And kissed me 'fore the fathers, when my face
Flowed all with oils
MOSCA And sweat, sir. Why, your gold
Is such another medicine, it dries up
All those offensive savors; it transforms
The most deformed, and restores them lovely,
As 'twere the strange poetical girdle. Jove
Could not invent t' himself a shroud more subtle
To pass Acrisius' guards. It is the thing
Makes all the world her grace, her youth, her beauty
VOLPONE I think she loves me.
MOSCA Who? the lady, sir?
She's jealous of you
VOLPONE Dost thou say so?
MOSCA Hark,
There's some already
VOLPONE Look
MOSCA It is the vulture;
He has the quickest scent.
VOLPONE I'll to my place,
Thou to thy posture
MOSCA I am set
VOLPONE But, Mosca,
Play the artificer now, torture them rarely
SCENE 3
VOLTORE How now, my Mosca?
MOSCA Turkey carpets, nine —
VOLTORE Taking an inventory? That is well
MOSCA Two suits of bedding, tissue —
VOLTORE Where's the will?
Let me read that the while
CORBACCIO So, set me down,
And get you home
VOLTORE Is he come now to trouble us?
MOSCA Of cloth of gold, two more —
CORBACCIO Is it done, Mosca?
MOSCA Of several velvets, eight —
VOLTORE I like his care
CORBACCIO Dost thou not hear?
CORVINO Ha! is the hour come, Mosca?
VOLPONE Ay, now they muster.
CORVINO What does the advocate here,
Or this Corbaccio?
CORBACCIO What do these here?
LADY POLITIC Mosca!
Is his thread spun?
MOSCA Eight chests of linen —
VOLPONE O,
My fine Dame Would-be, too!
CORVINO Mosca, the will,
That I may show it these, and rid them hence.
MOSCA Six chests of diaper, four of damask — There.
CORBACCIO Is that the will?
MOSCA Down-beds, and bolsters —
VOLPONE Rare!
Be busy still. Now they began to flutter:
They never think of me Look, see, see, see!
How their swift eyes run over the long deed,
Unto the name, and to the legacies,
What is bequeathed them there —
MOSCA Ten suits of hangings —
VOLPONE Ay, in their garters, Mosca Now their hopes
Are at the gasp
VOLTORE Mosca the heir!
CORBACCIO What's that?
VOLPONE My advocate is dumb; look to my merchant;
He has heard of some strange storm, a ship is lost,
He faints; my lady will swoon Old glazen-eyes,
He hath not reached his despair yet.
CORBACCIO All these
Are out of hope; I am, sure, the man
CORVINO But, Mosca —
MOSCA Two cabinets —
CORVINO Is this in earnest?
MOSCA One
Of ebony —
CORVINO Or do you but delude me?
MOSCA The other, mother of pearl — I am very busy
Good faith, it is a fortune thrown upon me —
Item, one salt of agate — not my seeking
LADY POLITIC Do you hear, sir?
MOSCA A perfumed box — Pray you forbear,
You see I'm troubled — made of an onyx —
LADY POLITIC How!
MOSCA Tomorrow or next day I shall be at leisure
To talk with you all
CORVINO Is this my large hope's issue?
LADY POLITIC Sir, I must have a fairer answer
MOSCA Madam!
Marry, and shall: pray you, fairly quit my house.
Nay, raise no tempest with your looks, but hark you:
Remember what your ladyship offered me
To put you in an heir; go to, think on it,
And what you said e'en your best madams did
For maintenance; and why not you? Enough
Go home, and use the poor Sir Pol, your knight, well,
For fear I tell some riddles; go, be melancholic
VOLPONE O, my fine devil!
CORVINO Mosca, pray you a word
MOSCA Lord! will not you take your dispatch hence yet?
Methinks, of all, you should have been the example
Why should you stay here? With what thought, what promise?
Hear you: do not you know I know you an ass,
And that you would most fain have been a wittol,
If fortune would have let you? That you are
A declared cuckold, on good terms? This pearl,
You'll say, was yours? Right This diamond?
I'll not deny 't, but thank you Much here else?
It may be so Why, think that these good works
May help to hide your bad. I'll not betray you;
Although you be but extraordinary,
And have it only in title, it sufficeth;
Go home, be melancholic too, or mad.
VOLPONE Rare Mosca! How his villainy becomes him!
VOLTORE Certain he doth delude all these for me
CORBACCIO Mosca the heir!
VOLPONE O, his four eyes have found it!
CORBACCIO I am cozened, cheated, by a parasite slave;
Harlot, thou hast gulled me
MOSCA Yes, sir Stop your mouth,
Or I shall draw the only tooth is left.
Are not you he, that filthy covetous wretch,
With the three legs, that here, in hope of prey,
Have, any time this three year, snuffed about
With your most groveling nose, and would have hired
Me to the poisoning of my patron, sir?
Are not you he that have today in court
Professed the disinheriting of your son?
Perjured yourself? Go home, and die, and stink;
If you but croak a syllable, all comes out:
Away, and call your porters!
— Go, go stink.
VOLPONE Excellent varlet!
VOLTORE Now, my faithful Mosca,
I find thy constancy —
MOSCA Sir?
VOLTORE Sincere
MOSCA A table
Of porphyry — I mar'l you'll be thus troublesome
VOLTORE Nay, leave off now, they are gone
MOSCA Why, who are you?
What! Who did send for you? O, cry you mercy,
Reverend sir! Good faith, I am grieved for you
That any chance of mine should thus defeat
Your (I must needs say) most deserving travails:
But I protest, sir, it was cast upon me,
And I could almost wish to be without it,
But that the will o' the dead must be observed.
Marry, my joy is that you need it not;
You have a gift, sir (thank your education),
Will never let you want while there are men
And malice to breed causes. Would I had
But half the like, for all my fortune, sir!
If I have any suits (as I do hope,
Things being so easy and direct, I shall not),
I will make bold with your obstreperous aid —
Conceive me — for your fee, sir. In meantime,
You that have so much law, I know have the conscience
Not to be covetous of what is mine
Good sir, I thank you for my plate; 'twill help
To set up a young man Good faith, you look
As you were costive; best go home and purge, sir
VOLPONE Bid him eat lettuce well My witty mischief,
Let me embrace thee. O that I could now
Transform thee to a Venus! — Mosca, go,
Straight take my habit of clarissimo,
And walk the streets; be seen, torment them more.
We must pursue, as well as plot. Who would
Have lost this feast?
MOSCA I doubt it will lose them
VOLPONE O, my recovery shall recover all
That I could now but think on some disguise
To meet them in, and ask them questions;
How I would vex them still at every turn!
MOSCA Sir, I can fit you.
VOLPONE Canst thou?
MOSCA Yes, I know
One o' the commendatori, sir, so like you;
Him will I straight make drunk, and bring you his habit
VOLPONE A rare disguise, and answering thy brain!
O, I will be a sharp disease unto them.
MOSCA Sir, you must look for curses —
VOLPONE Till they burst;
The fox fares ever best when he is cursed.
SCENE 4. A hall in SIR POLITIC 's house .
PEREGRINE Am I enough disguised?
1 MERCHANT I warrant you.
PEREGRINE All my ambition is to fright him only
2 MERCHANT If you could ship him away, 'twere excellent
3 MERCHANT To Zant, or to Aleppo?
PEREGRINE Yes, and have his
Adventures put i' the Book of Voyages,
And his gulled story registered for truth.
Well, gentlemen, when I am in a while,
And that you think us warm in our discourse,
Know your approaches
1 MERCHANT Trust it to our care
PEREGRINE Save you, fair lady! Is Sir Pol within?
WOMAN I do not know, sir.
PEREGRINE Pray you say unto him,
Here is a merchant upon earnest business
Desires to speak with him.
WOMAN I will see, sir
PEREGRINE Pray you —
I see the family is all female here.
WOMAN He says, sir, he has weighty affairs of state
That now require him whole; some other time
You may possess him.
PEREGRINE Pray you say again,
If those require him whole, these will exact him,
Whereof I bring him tidings. — What might be
His grave affair of state now? How to make
Bolognian sausages here in Venice, sparing
One o' the ingredients?
WOMAN Sir, he says he knows
By your word tidings that you are no statesman,
And therefore wills you stay
PEREGRINE Sweet, pray you return him;
I have not read so many proclamations,
And studied them for words, as he has done —
But — here he deigns to come.
SIR POLITIC Sir, I must crave
Your courteous pardon. There hath chanced today
Unkind disaster 'twixt my lady and me;
And I was penning my apology,
To give her satisfaction, as you came now.
PEREGRINE Sir, I am grieved I bring you worse disaster:
The gentleman you met at the port today,
That told you he was newly arrived —
SIR POLITIC Ay, was
A fugitive punk?
PEREGRINE No, sir, a spy set on you;
And he has made relation to the Senate
That you professed to him to have a plot
To sell the state of Venice to the Turk
SIR POLITIC O me!
PEREGRINE For which, warrants are signed by this time
To apprehend you and to search your study
For papers —
SIR POLITIC Alas, sir, I have none but notes
Drawn out of play-books —
PEREGRINE All the better, sir
SIR POLITIC And some essays. What shall I do?
PEREGRINE Sir, best
Convey yourself into a sugar-chest;
Or, if you could lie round, a frail were rare,
And I could send you aboard
SIR POLITIC Sir, I but talked so,
For discourse' sake merely
PEREGRINE Hark! they are there
SIR POLITIC I am a wretch, a wretch!
PEREGRINE What will you do, sir?
Have you ne'er a currant-butt to leap into?
They'll put you to the rack; you must be sudden.
SIR POLITIC Sir, I have an engine —
3 MERCHANT Sir Politic Would-be!
2 MERCHANT Where is he?
SIR POLITIC That I have thought upon before-time.
PEREGRINE What is it?
SIR POLITIC I shall ne'er endure the torture.
Marry, it is, sir, of a tortoise-shell,
Fitted for these extremities: pray you, sir, help me
Here I've a place, sir, to put back my legs;
Please you to lay it on, sir. — With this cap
And my black gloves, I'll lie, sir, like a tortoise,
Till they are gone
PEREGRINE And call you this an engine?
SIR POLITIC Mine own device — Good sir, bid my wife's women
To burn my papers.
1 MERCHANT Where is he hid?
2 MERCHANT We must,
And will, sure, find him
2 MERCHANT Which is his study?
1 MERCHANT What
Are you, sir?
PEREGRINE I am a merchant, that came here
To look upon this tortoise
3 MERCHANT How!
1 MERCHANT St Mark!
What beast is this?
PEREGRINE It is a fish
2 MERCHANT Come out here!
PEREGRINE Nay, you may strike him, sir, and tread upon him:
He'll bear a cart.
1 MERCHANT What, to run over him?
PEREGRINE Yes.
3 MERCHANT Let's jump upon him
2 MERCHANT Can he not go?
PEREGRINE He creeps, sir.
1 MERCHANT Let's see him creep.
PEREGRINE No, good sir, you will hurt him
2 MERCHANT 'Heart, I will see him creep, or prick his guts.
3 MERCHANT Come out here!
PEREGRINE Pray you, sir! — Creep a little.
1 MERCHANT Forth!
2 MERCHANT Yet farther
PEREGRINE Good sir! — Creep.
2 MERCHANT We'll see his legs
3 MERCHANT God's so, he has garters!
1 MERCHANT Ay, and gloves!
2 MERCHANT Is this
Your fearful tortoise?
PEREGRINE Now, Sir Pol, we are even;
For your next project I shall be prepared.
I am sorry for the funeral of your notes; sir
1 MERCHANT 'Twere a rare motion to be seen in Fleet Street.
2 MERCHANT Ay, in the Term.
1 MERCHANT Or Smithfield, in the fair
3 MERCHANT Methinks 'tis but a melancholic sight.
PEREGRINE Farewell, most politic tortoise!
SIR POLITIC Where's my lady?
Knows she of this?
WOMAN I know not, sir
SIR POLITIC Inquire.
O, I shall be the fable of all feasts,
The freight of the gazetti, ship-boys' tale;
And, which is worst, even talk for ordinaries
WOMAN My lady's come most melancholic home
And says, sir, she will straight to sea, for physic.
SIR POLITIC And I, to shun this place and clime forever
Creeping with house on back, and think it well
To shrink my poor head in my politic shell.
SCENE 5 A room in VOLPONE 's house
VOLPONE Am I then like him?
MOSCA O, sir, you are he
No man can sever you
VOLPONE Good.
MOSCA But what am I?
VOLPONE 'Fore heaven, a brave clarissimo ; thou becom'st it!
Pity thou wert not born one.
MOSCA If I hold
My made one, 'twill be well
VOLPONE I'll go and see
What news first at the court
MOSCA Do so. My fox
Is out of his hole, and ere he shall re-enter
I'll make him languish in his borrowed case,
Except he come to composition with me —
Androgyno, Castrone, Nano!
ALL Here
MOSCA Go, recreate yourselves abroad; go, sport —
So, now I have the keys and am possessed
Since he will needs be dead afore his time,
I'll bury him, or gain by him. I am his heir,
And so will keep me, till he share at least
To cozen him of all were but a cheat
Well placed; no man would construe it a sin:
Let his sport pay for 't This is called the fox trap.
SCENE 6 A street .
CORBACCIO They say the court is set.
CORVINO We must maintain
Our first tale good, for both our reputations.
CORBACCIO Why, mine's no tale; my son would there have killed me.
CORVINO That's true, I had forgot — Mine is, I'm sure.
But for your will, sir
CORBACCIO Ay, I'll come upon him
For that hereafter, now his patron's dead
VOLPONE Signor Corvino! and Corbaccio! Sir,
Much joy unto you.
CORVINO Of what?
VOLPONE The sudden good
Dropped down upon you —
CORBACCIO Where?
VOLPONE And none knows how,
From old Volpone, sir.
CORBACCIO Out, arrant knave!
VOLPONE Let not your too much wealth, sir, make you furious
CORBACCIO Away, thou varlet.
VOLPONE Why, sir?
CORBACCIO Dost thou mock me?
VOLPONE You mock the world, sir; did you not change wills?
CORBACCIO Out, harlot!
VOLPONE O! belike you are the man,
Signor Corvino? Faith, you carry it well;
You grow not mad withal; I love your spirit
You are not over-leavened with your fortune.
You should have some would swell now, like a wine-vat,
With such an autumn — Did he give you all, sir?
CORVINO Avoid, you rascal!
VOLPONE Troth, your wife has shown
Herself a very woman; but you are well,
You need not care, you have a good estate
To bear it out, sir; better by this chance
Except Corbaccio have a share.
CORBACCIO Hence, varlet.
VOLPONE You will not be a known, sir; why, 'tis wise.
Thus do all gamesters, at all games, dissemble;
No man will seem to win.
— Here comes my vulture,
Heaving his beak up in the air, and snuffing
SCENE 7
VOLTORE Outstripped thus, by a parasite! a slave,
Would run on errands, and make legs for crumbs!
Well, what I'll do —
VOLPONE The court stays for your worship
I e'en rejoice, sir, at your worship's happiness,
And that it fell into so learned hands,
That understand the fingering —
VOLTORE What do you mean?
VOLPONE I mean to be a suitor to your worship
For the small tenement, out of reparations —
That at the end of your long row of houses,
By the Pescheria; it was, in Volpone's time,
Your predecessor, ere he grew diseased,
A handsome, pretty, customed bawdyhouse
As any was in Venice — none dispraised;
But fell with him. His body and that house
Decayed together.
VOLTORE Come, sir, leave your prating
VOLPONE Why, if your worship give me but your hand
That I may have the refusal, I have done
'Tis a mere toy to you, sir; candle-rents;
As your learned worship knows —
VOLTORE What do I know?
VOLPONE Marry, no end of your wealth, sir; God decrease it!
VOLTORE Mistaking knave! what, mock'st thou my misfortune?
VOLPONE His blessing on your heart, sir; would 'twere more!
— Now to my first again, at the next corner
SCENE 8 Another part of the street
CORBACCIO See, in our habit! See the impudent varlet!
CORVINO That I could shoot mine eyes at him like gun-stones!
VOLPONE But is this true, sir, of the parasite?
CORBACCIO Again, to afflict us! Monster!
VOLPONE In good faith, sir,
I'm heartily grieved a beard of your grave length
Should be so over-reached I never brooked
That parasite's hair; methought his nose should cozen
There still was somewhat in his look did promise
The bane of a clarissimo
CORBACCIO Knave —
VOLPONE Methinks
Yet you, that are so traded in the world,
A witty merchant, the fine bird Corvino,
That have such moral emblems on your name,
Should not have sung your shame, and dropped your cheese,
To let the fox laugh at your emptiness
CORVINO Sirrah, you think the privilege of the place,
And your red saucy cap, that seems to me
Nailed to your jolt-head with those two sequins,
Can warrant your abuses. Come you hither;
You shall perceive, sir, I dare beat you; approach
VOLPONE No haste, sir, I do know your valor well,
Since you durst publish what you are, sir
CORVINO Tarry,
I'd speak with you.
VOLPONE Sir, sir, another time —
CORVINO Nay, now
VOLPONE O God, sir! I were a wise man,
Would stand the fury of a distracted cuckold
CORBACCIO What, come again!
VOLPONE Upon 'em, Mosca; save me.
CORBACCIO The air's infected where he breathes
CORVINO Let's fly him.
VOLPONE Excellent basilisk! Turn upon the vulture
SCENE 9
VOLTORE Well, flesh-fly, it is summer with you now;
Your winter will come on
MOSCA Good advocate,
Pray thee not rail, nor threaten out of place thus;
Thou'lt make a solecism, as Madam says
Get you a biggen more; your brain breaks loose
VOLTORE Well, sir
VOLPONE Would you have me beat the insolent slave,
Throw dirt upon his first good clothes?
VOLTORE This same
Is doubtless some familiar
VOLPONE Sir, the court,
In troth, stays for you. I am mad, a mule
That never read Justinian should get up
And ride an advocate. Had you no quirk
To avoid gullage, sir, by such a creature?
I hope you do but jest; he has not done it;
This 's but confederacy to blind the rest
You are the heir?
VOLTORE A strange, officious,
Troublesome knave! Thou dost torment me
VOLPONE I know —
It cannot be, sir, that you should be cozened;
'Tis not within the wit of man to do it;
You are so wise, so prudent; and 'tis fit
That wealth and wisdom still should go together.
SCENE 10. The Scrutineo
1 AVOCATORE Are all the parties here?
NOTARIO All but the advocate
2 AVOCATORE And here he comes
1 AVOCATORE Then bring them forth to sentence
VOLTORE O, my most honored fathers, let your mercy
Once win upon your justice, to forgive —
I am distracted —
VOLPONE What will he do now?
VOLTORE O,
I know not which to address myself to first;
Whether your fatherhoods, or these innocents —
CORVINO Will he betray himself?
VOLTORE Whom equally
I have abused, out of most covetous ends —
CORVINO The man is mad!
CORBACCIO What's that?
CORVINO He is possessed.
VOLTORE For which, now struck in conscience, here I prostrate,
Myself at your offended feet, for pardon
1, 2 AVOCATORI Arise.
CELIA O heaven, how just thou art!
VOLPONE I am caught
In mine own hoose —
CORVINO Be constant, sir; naught now
Can help, but impudence
1 AVOCATORE Speak forward
COMMENDATORE Silence!
VOLTORE It is not passion in me, reverend fathers,
But only conscience, conscience, my good sires,
That makes me now tell truth. That parasite,
That knave, hath been the instrument of all.
1 AVOCATORE Where is that knave? Fetch him.
VOLPONE I go
CORVINO Grave fathers,
This man's distracted; he confessed it now;
For, hoping to be old Volpone's heir,
Who now is dead —
3 AVOCATORE How!
2 AVOCATORE Is Volpone dead?
CORVINO Dead since, grave fathers
BONARIO O sure vengeance!
1 AVOCATORE Stay!
Then he was no deceiver?
VOLTORE O no, none;
The parasite, grave fathers
CORVINO He does speak
Out of mere envy, 'cause the servant's made
The thing he gaped for. Please your fatherhoods,
This is the truth, though I'll not justify
The other but he may be some-deal faulty
VOLTORE Ay, to your hopes, as well as mine, Corvino.
But I'll use modesty. Pleaseth your wisdoms
To view these certain notes, and but confer them;
As I hope favor, they shall speak clear truth
CORVINO The devil has entered him!
BONARIO Or bides in you:
4 AVOCATORE We have done ill, by a public officer
To send for him, if he be heir.
2 AVOCATORE For whom?
4 AVOCATORE Him that they call the parasite.
3 AVOCATORE 'Tis true,
He is a man of great estate now left
4 AVOCATORE Go you and learn his name, and say the court
Entreats his presence here, but to the clearing
Of some few doubts
2 AVOCATORE This same's a labyrinth!
1 AVOCATORE Stand you unto your first report?
CORVINO My state,
My life, my fame —
BONARIO Where is it?
CORVINO Are at the stake
1 AVOCATORE Is yours so too?
CORBACCIO The advocate's a knave;
And has a forked tongue —
2 AVOCATORE Speak to the point
CORBACCIO So is the parasite too
1 AVOCATORE This is confusion
VOLTORE I do beseech your fatherhoods, read but those —
CORVINO And credit nothing the false spirit hath writ;
It cannot be but he's possessed, grave fathers
SCENE 11 A street
VOLPONE To make a snare for mine own neck! and run
My head into it, wilfully! with laughter!
When I had newly scaped, was free and clear!
Out of mere wantonness! O, the dull devil
Was in this brain of mine, when I devised it,
And Mosca gave it second; he must now
Help to sear up this vein, or we bleed dead
How now! Who let you loose? Whither go you now?
What? to buy gingerbread, or to drown kitlings?
NANO Sir, Master Mosca called us out of doors,
And bid us all go play, and took the keys
ANDROGYNO Yes
VOLPONE Did Master Mosca take the keys? Why, so!
I'm farther in. These are my fine conceits!
I must be merry, with a mischief to me!
What a vile wretch was I, that could not bear
My fortune soberly! I must have my crotchets,
And my conundrums! Well, go you and seek him.
His meaning may be truer than my fear.
Bid him, he straight come to me, to the court;
Thither will I, and, if 't be possible,
Unscrew my advocate, upon new hopes
When I provoked him, then I lost myself.
SCENE 12 The Scrutineo
1 AVOCATORE
These things can ne'er be reconciled He here
Professeth that the gentleman was wronged,
And that the gentlewoman was brought thither,
Forced by her husband, and there left
VOLTORE Most true.
CELIA How ready is heaven to those that pray!
1 AVOCATORE But that
Volpone would have ravished her, he holds
Utterly false, knowing his impotence
CORVINO Grave fathers, he's possessed; again, I say,
Possessed; nay, if there be possession and
Obsession, he has both.
3 AVOCATORE Here comes our officer
VOLPONE The parasite will straight be here, grave fathers
4 AVOCATORE You might invent some other name, sir varlet
3 AVOCATORE Did not the notary meet him?
VOLPONE Not that I know
4 AVOCATORE His coming will clear all
2 AVOCATORE Yet, it is misty.
VOLTORE May 't please your fatherhoods —
VOLPONE Sir, the parasite
Willed me to tell you that his master lives;
That you are still the man; your hopes the same;
And this was only a jest —
VOLTORE How?
VOLPONE Sir, to try
If you were firm, and how you stood affected
VOLTORE Art sure he lives?
VOLPONE Do I live, sir?
VOLTORE O me!
I was too violent
VOLPONE Sir, you may redeem it
They said you were possessed: fall down, and seem so
I'll help to make it good. — God bless the man!
Stop your wind hard, and swell — See, see, see, see!
He vomits crooked pins! His eyes are set,
Like a dead hare's hung in a poulter's shop!
His mouth's running away! Do you see, signor?
Now it is in his belly
CORVINO Ay, the devil!
VOLPONE Now in his throat.
CORVINO Ay, I perceive it plain.
VOLPONE 'Twill out, 'twill out! Stand clear! See where it flies;
In shape of a blue toad with a bat's wings!
Do not you see it, sir?
CORBACCIO What? I think I do
CORVINO 'Tis too manifest
VOLPONE Look! he comes to himself!
VOLTORE Where am I?
VOLPONE Take good heart, the worst is past, sir
You are dispossessed
1 AVOCATORE What accident is this?
2 AVOCATORE Sudden and full of wonder!
3 AVOCATORE If he were
Possessed, as it appears, all this is nothing
CORVINO He has been often subject to these fits
1 AVOCATORE Show him that writing — Do you know it, sir?
VOLPONE Deny it, sir, forswear it; know it not
VOLTORE Yes, I do know it well, it is my hand;
But all that it contains is false
BONARIO O practice!
2 AVOCATORE What maze is this?
1 AVOCATORE Is he not guilty then,
Whom you there name the parasite?
VOLTORE Grave fathers,
No more than his good patron, old Volpone
4 AVOCATORE Why, he is dead
VOLTORE O no, my honored fathers,
He lives —
1 AVOCATORE How! Lives?
VOLTORE Lives
2 AVOCATORE This is subtler yet!
3 AVOCATORE You said he was dead
VOLTORE Never
3 AVOCATORE You said so!
CORVINO I heard so
4 AVOCATORE Here comes the gentleman; make him way.
3 AVOCATORE A stool!
4 AVOCATORE A proper man; and, were Volpone dead,
A fit match for my daughter
3 AVOCATORE Give him way
VOLPONE Mosca, I was almost lost; the advocate
Had betrayed all; but now it is recovered;
All's on the hinge again — say I am living
MOSCA What busy knave is this! Most reverend fathers,
I sooner had attended your grave pleasures,
But that my order for the funeral
Of my dear patron did require me —
VOLPONE Mosca!
MOSCA Whom I intend to bury like a gentleman
VOLPONE Ay, quick, and cozen me of all
2 AVOCATORE Still stranger!
More intricate!
1 AVOCATORE And come about again!
4 AVOCATORE It is a match, my daughter is bestowed
MOSCA Will you give me half?
VOLPONE First I'll be hanged
MOSCA I know
Your voice is good, cry not so loud
1 AVOCATORE Demand
The advocate — Sir, did you not affirm
Volpone was alive?
VOLPONE Yes, and he is;
This gentleman told me so. Thou shalt have half
MOSCA Whose drunkard is this same? Speak, some that know him:
I never saw his face I cannot now
Afford it you so cheap
VOLPONE No?
1 AVOCATORE What say you?
VOLTORE The officer told me
VOLPONE I did, grave fathers,
And will maintain he lives, with mine own life,
And that this creature told me I was born
With all good stars my enemies.
MOSCA Most grave fathers,
If such an insolence as this must pass
Upon me, I am silent: 'twas not this
For which you sent, I hope
2 AVOCATORE Take him away
VOLPONE Mosca!
3 AVOCATORE Let him be whipped —
VOLPONE Wilt thou betray me?
Cozen me?
3 AVOCATORE And taught to bear himself
Toward a person of his rank
Away.
MOSCA I humbly thank your fatherhoods
Soft, soft. Whipped?
VOLPONE
And lose all that I have? If I confess,
It cannot be much more
4 AVOCATORE Sir, are you married?
VOLPONE They'll be allied anon; I must be resolute
The fox shall here uncase
MOSCA Patron!
VOLPONE Nay, now
My ruins shall not come alone; your match
I'll hinder sure: my substance shall not glue you
Nor screw you into a family
MOSCA Why, patron!
VOLPONE I am Volpone, and this is my knave;
This, his own knave; this, avarice's fool;
This, a chimera of wittol, fool, and knave
And, reverend fathers, since we all can hope
Nought but a sentence, let's not now despair it
You hear me brief
CORVINO May it please your fatherhoods —
COMMENDATORE Silence!
1 AVOCATORE The knot is now undone by miracle!
2 AVOCATORE Nothing can be more clear
3 AVOCATORE Or can more prove
These innocent
1 AVOCATORE Give them their liberty.
BONARIO Heaven could not long let such gross crimes be hid
2 AVOCATORE If this be held the highway to get riches,
May I be poor!
3 AVOCATORE This is not gain, but torment
1 AVOCATORE These possess wealth as sick men possess fevers,
Which trulier may be said to possess them
2 AVOCATORE Disrobe that parasite
CORVINO, MOSCA Most honored fathers!
1 AVOCATORE Can you plead aught to stay the course of justice?
If you can, speak
CORVINO, VOLTORE We beg favor
CELIA And mercy
1 AVOCATORE You hurt your innocence, suing for the guilty
Stand forth; and first the parasite. You appear
T' have been the chiefest minister, if not plotter,
In all these lewd impostures; and now, lastly,
Have with your impudence abused the court,
And habit of a gentleman of Venice,
Being a fellow of no birth or blood:
For which our sentence is, first, thou be whipped;
Then live perpetual prisoner in our galleys
VOLPONE I thank you for him
MOSCA Bane to thy wolfish nature!
1 AVOCATORE Deliver him to the Saffi
— Thou, Volpone,
By blood and rank a gentleman, canst not fall
Under like censure; but our judgment on thee
Is that thy substance all be straight confiscate
To the hospital of the Incurabili
And, since the most was gotten by imposture,
By feigning lame, gout, palsy, and such diseases,
Thou art to lie in prison, cramped with irons,
Till thou be'st sick and lame indeed. Remove him
VOLPONE This is called mortifying of a fox
1 AVOCATORE Thou, Voltore, to take away the scandal
Thou hast given all worthy men of thy profession,
Art banished from their fellowship, and our state
Corbaccio! — bring him near — we here possess
Thy son of all thy state, and confine thee
To the monastery of San Spirito;
Where, since thou knew'st not how to live well here,
Thou shalt be learned to die well.
CORBACCIO Ha! what said he?
COMMENDATORE You shall know anon, sir
1 AVOCATORE Thou, Corvino, shalt
Be straight embarked from thine own house, and rowed
Round about Venice, through the Grand Canal,
Wearing a cap with fair long ass's ears
Instead of horns; and so to mount, a paper
Pinned on thy breast, to the Berlina —
CORVINO Yes,
And have mine eyes beat out with stinking fish,
Bruised fruit, and rotten eggs — 'Tis well: I'm glad
I shall not see my shame yet
1 AVOCATORE And to expiate
Thy wrongs done to thy wife, thou art to send her
Home, to her father, with her dowry trebled:
And these are all your judgments —
ALL Honored fathers!
1 AVOCATORE Which may not be revoked. Now you begin,
When crimes are done, and past, and to be punished,
To think what your crimes are: away with them!
Let all that see these vices thus rewarded,
Take heart, and love to study 'em! Mischiefs feed
Like beasts, till they be fat, and then they bleed
The seasoning of a play is the applause
Now, though the fox be punished by the laws,
He yet doth hope, there is no suffering due
For any fact which he hath done 'gainst you
If there be, censure him; here he doubtful stands
If not, fare jovially, and clap your hands.
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