Classic Poem

ACT II. SCENE I.

Croydon. — A Room in sir Nicholas Treedle's House .

Enter TREEDLE and a Servant.

Treed . Where's Mar-text, my chaplain?
Ser . He is newly walked out of his meditation in the kitchen, into the garden.
Treed . Bid him read prayers in the dining-room.
Ser . Before your worship come?
Treed . I will not pray to day. — Dost hear? Bid my tutor come down to me.
Ser . Which of them?
Treed . Why, he that reads travel to me; the wit that I took up in Paul's in a tiffany cloak without a hatband, now I have put him into a doublet of satin — — Stay, he's here.

Enter Tutor.

'Morrow, tutor; what hour take you it?
Tutor . It is no hour at all, sir.
Treed . How?
Tutor . Not directly any hour, for it is between eight and nine, sir.
Treed . Very learnedly; then I was ready between six and seven to-day.
Tutor . Are you disposed for lecture?
Treed . Yes, yes, sir.
Tutor . You remember my last prelection of the division of the earth into parts real and imaginary? The parts real into continent and island, the subdivision of the continent, into peninsula, isthmus, and promontory?
Treed . In troth, sir, I remember some such things; but I have forgotten them.
Tutor . What is an isthmus?
Treed . Why, an isthmus is an elbow of land.
Tutor . A neck, a neck.
Treed . A neck? Why, I was near it; if you had let me alone, I should have come up to it.
Tutor . 'Twas well guest. What is an island?
Treed . An island is an high mountain, which shooteth itself into the sea.
Tutor . That is a promontory.
Treed . Is it so? An island then is — — — no matter, let it go; it is not the first island we have lost.
Tutor . How are you perfect in your circles, great and less, mutable and immutable, tropical and polar?
Treed . As perfect in them as I am in these; faith, I shall never con these things handsomely: may not a man study travel without these circles, degrees, and altilatitudes you speak of?
Tutor . Yes, you may.
Treed . I do not care for the nearest way; I have time enough to go about.
Tutor . Very well, you shall lay aside your globe then.
Treed . Ay, and if't please you, I will have it stand in my hall to make my tenants wonder, instead of the Book of Martyrs.
Tutor . It will do well; now name what kingdom or province you have most mind to.
Treed . What say you to England?
Tutor . By no means; it is not in fashion with gentlemen to study their own nation; you will discover a dull easiness if you admire not, and with admiration prefer not, the weeds of other regions, before the most pleasant flowers of your own garden; let your judgment reflect, upon a serious consideration, who teaches you the mimic posture of your body, the punctuality of your beard, the formality of your pace, the elbows of your cloak, the heel of your boot? do not other nations? Are not Italian heads, Spanish shoulders, Dutch bellies, and French legs, the only notions of your reformed English gentlemen?
Treed . I am resolved to be ignorant of my own country; say no more on it. What think you if I went over to France, the first thing I did?
Tutor . By sea!
Treed . Do you think I have no more wit than to venture myself i'the salt water; I had rather be pickled and powdered at home by half, that I had.
Tutor . I apprehend — you are cautious; it is safe travelling in your study; but I will not read France to you.
Treed . No!
Tutor . Pardonnez-moi , it is unnecessary; all the French fashions are here already, or rather your French cuts.
Treed . Cuts!
Tutor . Understand me; there are divers French cuts.
Treed . We have had too many French cuts already.
Tutor . First, there is your cut of the head.
Treed . That is dangerous.
Tutor . Pshaw! a hair, a hair, a periwig is your French cut, and in fashion with your most courtly gallants; your own hair will naturally forsake you.
Treed . A bald reason.
Tutor . Right: observe their prudent and weighty policy who have brought up this artificial headpiece, because no man should appear light-headed.
Treed . He had no sound head that invented it!
Tutor . Then there is the new cut of your doublet or slash, the fashion of your apparel, a quaint cut.
Treed . Upon taffeta.
Tutor . Or what you please; the slash is the emblem of your valour, and, besides declareth that you are open breasted.
Treed . Open, as much as you will, but no valour.
Tutor . Then, sir, there is the cut of your leg.
Treed . That is when a man is drunk, is it not?
Tutor . Do not stagger in your judgment, for this cut is the grace of your body: I mean dancing o'the French cut in the leg is most fashionable, believe it, pupil, a genteel carriage.
Treed . But it is fain to be supported sometime with a bottom.

Enter Servant.

Ser . Here is sir George Richley, sir, newly alighted.
Treed . Oh, my father-in-law that shall be.
Tutor . Then we are cut off.
Treed . There is a match concluded between his daughter and me, and now he comes for my answer. Conduct him to the gallery.
Tutor . Rather, sir, meet him.
Treed . Let him go before, and tell him we are coming, and we'll be there as soon as he.

SCENE II.

London. — A Room in Worthy's House .

Brains and WHIBBLE at table .

Whib . Brains!
Bra . What is the matter?
Whib . Let's rifle the other bottle of wine.
Bra . Do not endanger thy sconce.
Whib . How?
Bra . I'll drink no more.
Whib . Why?
Bra . Because I will not be drunk for any man's pleasure.
Whib . Drunk!
Bra . It is good English, now: it was Dutch. May be you have some conspiracy upon me.
Whib . I? — Who has betrayed me? his mistress procured the key of the wine-cellar, and bad me try if I could wind up his brains handsomely, he knows on 't. — [ Aside .] — Not one health more?
Bra . Not [one,] good Whibble; if you urge again I shall suspect.
Whib . Suspect me?
Bra . And beat you, Whibble, if you be not satisfied.
Whib . I am; but in friendship —
Bra . Dost tempt me?
Whib . I will drink your health and be drunk alone.
Bra . This whelp has some plot upon me, I smell powder; my young mistress would have blown up my brains; this peter-gunner should have given fire: it is not the first time she hath conspired so, but it will not do, I was never yet cozened in my life, and if I pawn my brains for a bottle of sack or claret, may my nose, as a brand for my negligence, carry everlasting malmsey in it, and be studded with rubies and carbuncles! — Mistress, yon must pardon my officiousness; be as angry as a tiger, I must play the dragon, and watch your golden fleece my master has put me in trust, and I am not so easily corrupted. I have but two eyes, Argus had a hundred, but he must be a cunning Mercury must pipe them both asleep, I can tell you. And now I talk of sleep, my lodging is next to her chambers; it is a confidence in my master to let his livery lie so near her; servingmen have ere now proved themselves no eunuchs, with their masters' daughters; if I were so lusty as some of my own tribe, it were no great labour to commit burglary upon a maidenhend; but all my nourishment runs upward into brains, and I am gladon 't; a temperate blood is sign of a good liver; I am past tilting. — Here she is, with the second part of her to the same tune, another maid that has a grudging of the green sickness, and wants a man to recover her.

Enter VIOLETTA and PENELOPE .

Pen . Be this enough between us, to bind each to help [the] other's designs.
Vio . Here is Brains; he has not yet been drench'd.
Pen . He is too subtle.
Vio . How now, Brains?
Bra . As you see, forsooth.
Pen . Thou art very sad.
Bra . But I am in sober sadness, I thank my stars.
Vio . Witty!
Bra . As much wit as will keep Brains from melting this hot weather.
Pen . A dry whoreson, not thus to be wrought upon.
Bra . Very good sack and claret in the house.
Pen . Thou hast not tasted?
Bra . O yes, O yes, my brains swim in canary, exceeding excellent sack; I thank you, ladies, I know it is your pleasure I should not want the best blood of the grape, in hope there might be a stone in my cup to mar my drinking afterwards: —

Enter SENSIBLE with a letter .

mistress Sensible! what jig's in the wind, she moves so nimbly?
Pen . From whom?
Sens . Master Fowler.
Bra . A letter! whence flew that paper kite?
Pen . What is this?
Bra . Another enclosed, without direction; happily observed.
Pen. [reads.] If you can love, I will study to deserve, and be happy to give you proof of my service; in the mean time it shall be a testimony of your favour to deliver this inclosed paper to your cousin, from her servant Aimwell. Farewell, and remember Fowler .
Look you, cousin, what master Fowler writes; I dare trust you with the secret. At your opportunity peruse this paper.
Bra . Conveyances! I read juggling in that paper already; and though you put it up I will not. Oh, for so much magic to conjure that paper out of her bosom into my pocket! now I do long to know what pitiful lover, for it can be no other, is doing penance in that white sheet already. — [ aside .] — Mistress Sensible, hark ye; whence came that letter?
Sens . From master Fowler to my mistress.
Bra . It is a she letter, it seems.
Sens . A she letter; why so?
Bra . Because it had a young one in the belly of it, or I am much mistaken.
Pen . Does he not write like a bold gamester?
Bra . And a bowling-gamester too, for his bias was towards my mistress; but I may chance to cast a rub in his way, to keep him from kissing."
Vio . He hath very good parts in him, questionless; but do you love him?
Bra . O the cunning of these gipsies! how, when they list, they can talk in a distinguishable dialect; they call men foxes, but they make tame geese of some of us; and yet, like one of those in Rome, I may prove so happy to preserve your distressed capitol. — What news brings this kickshaw?

Enter WINNIFRIDE .

Win . Master Fowler desires to speak with you.
Bra . Already! he might have delivered his own letter.
Vio . I'll to my chamber.
Bra . It will do very well.
Vio . I hope you will be careful that I am not troubled with any visit of gentlemen; it will become your officiousness, good Dametas, to have a care of your charge Pamela.
Bra . So; I can suffer this jeer.
Vio . Ha! is he gone? I am glad of it, I will take this opportunity to read the paper master Aimwell sent me. No superscription!

Re-enter Brains , behind .

Bra . She is at it already; thus far off I can read her countenance, if she spare her voice.
Vio. [reads.]
I do not court your fortune, but your love,
If my wild apprehension of it prove
My error, punish gently, since the fire
Comes from yourself, that kindled my desire.
So my poor heart, full of expectance, lies
To be your servant, or your sacrifice.
It shall be answered.
Bra . It shall! the game's afoot: were I best to discover thus much, or reserve it to welcome home the old knight withal? I will be more familiar with this juggling, first: the scrivener has a name, and if he be worth his own ears, he shall be worth my discovery.

Re-enter PENELOPE with FOWLER .

Here comes the gallant and the t'other toy, now.
Pen . I received your letter, sir.
Fow . In good time.
Pen . You might have spared your hand a labour if you had resolved to put your feet upon this expedition.
Bra . Good.
Fow . I confess I wrote something in my own cause; but the chief cause was to convey my friend's affection to his mistress.
Bra . And I will convey your affection to somebody else.
Pen . Then you made me a property?
Fow . It is for your honour, if you help any way to advance an honest business; and yet, mistake me not; though the rack should enforce [it] from me — without a second reason I had not wrote to you; yet, for so much as concerned myself, by this kiss, my pen hath but set down the resolution of my heart to serve you.
Fen . To serve me! how?
Fow . How! why, any way: give me your livery, I will wear it, or a coat with a cognizance, by this light, I fear you are an heretic still, and do not believe as you should do; come, let me rectify your faith, serve you.
Pen . Since the complement of service came up, gentlemen have had excuse for their love. I would not have you serve me, sir.
Fow . Not serve you! Why, do you think a man cannot love and serve too.
Pen . Not one serve two, well.
Fow . You are too literal; and yet in the strict sense, I have known a woman has served half a dozen gentlemen handsomely; so, so; and yet the last had enough of her too; why should not one man serve two gentlewomen? it argues against your sex, that you are more insatiable of the two. But I have a simple affection, I protest, and individual, I'll ne'er serve but one.
Pen . But one at once!
Fow . But one at once, and but one always, by this diamond.
Pen . Nay, keep your oath, sir.
Fow . I am forsworn if I do not; for I vowed, before I came, to bestow it; come, wear it in your bosom, it shall be an earnest of more precious jewels, though not of so bright a lustre, that will follow.
Pen . I pray, sir, resolve me one thing, and be plain. — Do you love me?
Fow . Love you!
Pen . It is my question.
Fow . It is a very foolish one; to what purpose have I been talking all this while, that you make it a question? has not it been the theme of all my discourse hitherto, that I do love you?
Pen . In what sense?
Fow . In what sense? Why, in any sense, at your own choice, or in all the senses together, an you doubt me: I do love to see your face, hear your voice, smell your breath, touch your tree, and taste your golden apples.
Pen . But this does not satisfy me.
Fow . You do not doubt my sufficiency, do you?
Pen . Now you are immodest, I only ask if you love me.
Fow . And have not I told you? Pray teach me a better way to express it. Does a wise man love fools' fortune, and a nobleman another beside my lady? Does the devil love an usurer, a great man his flatterer, the lawyer a full term, or the physician a dead time to thrive in?
Pen . Spare yourself; this is but coarse love.
Fow . I'll spin it finer and finer every day, sweet: to be plain with thee, what dost thou think of me for a husband? I love thee that way.
Pen . Would you did else!
Fow . Is there any thing in me would commend itself, that I may spare my other commendations? for I am resolved to be yours at any rate of my own praise, or what I can purchase from my friends.
Pen . Sir, if your meaning be no stranger to your language, although I cannot promise myself, you bind me to be thankful for it.
Fow . She nibbles already.
Pen . But pardon me if I suspect you still; you are too wild and airy to be constant to that affection.

Enter Brains and WORTHY .

Bra . There be the pigeons.
Wor . An't be no worse I care not. — Master Fowler,
A most welcome friend.
Fow . I would be to your daughter.
Bra . Let her use to entertain him so, and he will bid himself welcome. — [ Aside .] — Hark you, sir, you do like his company.
Wor . Yes.
Bru . So I say, but if I were worthy to give your daughter counsel, she should have a special care how she treads, for if this gentleman be not a whoremaster, he is very like one, and if she chance any way to crack her Venice glass, it will be not so easily soldered.
Wor . Meddle with your charge, sir, and let her alone.
Bra . I have done; here is a fresh gamester.

Enter MANLY .

Man . By your noble leave.
Wor . You are welcome, sir.
Man . I was directed hither to find a gentleman.
Fow . Manly, how is't?
Man . I was to inquire for you at your lodging.
Fow . Pray know this gentleman, lady; — master
Worthy, he'll deserve your acquaintance.
Man . You oblige my services. — But what make you here, my woman-errant?
Wor . Come hither, Penelope.
Fow . Soliciting a cause of Venus.
Man . I suspect as much; but with her? is she a whore?
Fow . No, but I'll do the best to make her one; she loves me already, that's some engagement; I
dare trust thee with my sins. — Who's here? Aim-well and Clare!

Enter AIMWELL , CLARE , and Brains .

Wor . Withdraw yourself.
Fow . Frank!
Aim . Master Worthy.
Wor . A knot of friends.
Aim . What of my letter?
Fow . 'Tis deliver'd; you must expect.
Wor . What news, gentlemen?
Aim . We hear none; you visit the Exchange, sir; pray furnish us.
Bra . What do all these butterflies here? I do not like it.
Aim . I hope your daughter is in health?
Wor . Perfect, I thank heaven.
Aim . And your niece, at whose naming I am bold to tender my thanks for your last friendship; I might have plunged by this time into passion, had not you nobly, just as I was falling, prevented my unhappiness.
Wor . Your opinion of what I did gives value to the action; however, 'twas a duty I was bound to.
Bra . This is the youth, I'll pawn my brains; [ aside .] Hark you, sir, what do you call this gentleman?
Clare . Master Aimwell.
Bra . He may shoot short for all his aiming; he wears bachelors' buttons, does he not?
Clare . Yes, old truepenny, and loops, too; thou art jealous, now.
Bra . One word more.
Fow . I have a plot, and thou must help me.
Man . Let it be a safe one.
Aim . May we not see her?
Wor . Brains, where's thy mistress?
Bra . She's a little busy.
Fow . Who's that?
Wor . My niece.
Fow . An she be but a little busy she's more than half at leisure.
Bra . Do not you know that a woman is more troubled with a little business, than some men with managing the troubles of a whole commonwealth? it has been a proverb, as busy as a hen with one chicken ; marry, an she had twenty, twenty to one she would not be so fond of them.
Wor . He says right. — Gentlemen, we are friends; it is my brother's pleasure, who is her father, to deny frequent access to her, till he hath finished a design; for my part, I am not of his mind, nor shall my daughter be a prisoner to his fancy: — you see, sir, I do not seclude her; if she choose within any limits of reason, I move in her.
Aim . You speak nobly.

Enter WHIBBLE .

Whib . Sir George Richley, sir, and sir Nicholas [Treedle,] are newly arrived.
Wor . My brother! acquaint my niece.
Bra . 'Tis my office, I'll do it.
Man . Shall's stay?
Aim . By all means; let's see the doughty knight that must free the lady from her enchanted castle.
Clare . Didst ever see him?
Aim . No; but I have heard his character.
Man . Prithee let's have it.
Aim . They say he's one, was wise before he was a man, for then his folly was excusable; but since he came to be of age, which had been a question till his death, had not the law given him his father's lands, he is grown wicked enough to be a landlord: he does pray but once a year, and that's for fair weather in harvest; his inward senses are sound, for none comes from him; he speaks words, but no matter, and therefore is in election to be of the peace and quorum, which his tenants think him fit for, and his tutor's judgment allows, whom he maintains to make him legs and speeches. He feeds well himself, but, in obedience to government, he allows his servants fasting days; he loves law, because it killed his father, whom the parson overthrew in a case of tithes; and, in memory, wears nothing suitable; for his apparel is a cento, or the ruins of ten fashions. He does not much care for heaven, for he's doubtful of any such place; only hell he's sure of, for the devil sticks to his conscience: therefore, he
does purpose, when he dies, to turn his sins into alms-houses, that posterity may praise him for his bountiful ordination of hot pottage; — but he's here already; you may read the rest as he comes towards you.

Enter RICHLEY , TREEDLE , and Tutor.

Wor . Brother!
Rich .Let your kindest respects meet this gentleman.
Wor . Sir Nicholas Treedle, I desire you would write me in the number of your servants.
Treed . 'Tis granted. — Gentlemen, I have an ambition to be your eternal slave.
Fow . 'Tis granted.
Tut . And I to be your everlasting servant.
Aim . 'Tis granted.
Clare . A couple of cockloches!

Enter PENELOPE , VIOLETTA , WINNIFRIDE , SENSIBLE , and Brains .

Rich . Here comes my daughter.
Treed . [to Penelope .] — Lady, and mistress of my heart, which hath long melted for you, —
Rich . This is my daughter.
Treed . Then it melted for you, lady.
Fow . His heart is whole again.
Treed . Vouchsafe to entertain a servant, that shall study to command — —
Tut . Well said!
Treed . His extremest possibilities — in your business.
Aim . Abominable courtship!
Sens . [ aside to Aim .] Sir, I am servant to mistress Violetta, who commends this paper to you.
Aim . O, my best angel!
Bra . As the devil would have it! are you there, Sensible?
Fow . Master Worthy, I take my leave.
Wor . Will you not stay supper?
Man . We are engaged.
Aim . My service shall wait on you, gentlemen.
Clare . And mine.
Treed . Come on, my queen of diamonds.
Rich . Brother, lead the way.
Bra . If she carry away this letter so, call me shallow-brains: I was never yet cozen'd in my life:
— this night? it shall be so; I will not come with bare relation of your plots,
I'll bring active intelligence that shall tell
Your secret aims, so crush them in the shell.