If thou dislik'st the piece thou light'st on first,
Think that of all that I have writ the worst;
But if thou read'st my book unto the end,
And still dost this and that verse reprehend,
O perverse man! If all disgustful be,
The extreme scab take thee and thine, for me.

If this was our battle, if these were our ends,
Which were our enemies, which were our friends!

If so be a Toad be laid
In a Sheeps-skin newly flayed,
And that tied to man 'twill sever
Him and his affections ever.

If nine times you your Bride-groome kisse;
The tenth you know the Parsons is.
Pay then your Tythe; and doing thus,
Prove in your Bride-bed numerous.
If children you have ten, Sir John
Won't for his tenth part ask you one.

That old master's single phrase is worth a thousand gold pieces,
Do no evil, do much good.
It must have been something the Elder sang while drunk.

If medals were ordained for drinks,
Or soft communings with a minx,
Or being at your ease belated,
By Heavens, you'd be decorated.
And not Alcmena's chesty son
Have room to put your ribbands on!

If I should labor through daylight and dark,
Consecrate, valorous, serious, true,
Then on the world I may blazon my mark;
And what if I don't, and what if I do?

If I were a cassowary
On the plains of Timbuctoo,
I would eat a missionary,
Cassock, bands and hymn-book too.

If I'd as much money as I could spend,
I never would cry, Old chairs to mend.
Old chairs to mend! Old chairs to mend!
I never would cry, Old chairs to mend.

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.