Member Poem

Once there was a hall of fame
One of which I once came
I was next up
To press my luck

In the moment I was in the spotlight

With open eyes
I started this life
And for years and years I [hopelessly] tried my best
In order to pass this never-ending test

I’m a long ways from there
With longer ways to go, if I can bare
I used to know what I was doing; who I was

But now like a dog I’ll sit and stay.

I was innocent and obedient
I was naive and ignorant
I can’t get back to that place though I still have so much more to learn

And now it’s somebody else’s turn
To be in the same spotlight that I once earned
And they’ll do much better than me
They’ll stay kind, and pure, and sweet

I can still remember to back then when I could freely speak
Now these words have meaning
And i can only freely think
But I can no longer control the thoughts behind
The rhythm,
The rhyme,
The use of commas
‘Cause I don’t when to pause
When to take a break, i don't know what's at stake!

I did my own thing, I was humbly bold
I spoke using my words,
Now I have to battle with what I’m told

I will try to use analogies
Because it’s hard to depict the real way I feel
But my thoughts no longer obey the rules of rhythm or rhyme

You can tell I’m exhausted when I sing songs of “I’m okay”
‘Cause the haze is growing and I only think I believe “I’m not okay”
My body is quaking
My hands are shaking
When did they get so cold?
They’re starting to freeze in place
I never used to be this way.
I want to crack a joke, but it wouldn’t fit.
Inside my head
At least I can pretend
We’re all in gales of laughter

Stop laughing! Now’s not the time
Don’t look so gloom, smile

I'm no longer in the spotlight but people will still come up to me and scream
With their commanding contradictions that have unsaid answers.

Why aren’t you crying, this is emotional
I’ve been taught by example that this is strong

Have you no empathy?
No, I just can’t cope

This is moving, but don’t start crying, you’ll ruin your makeup
But it’s not makeup, it’s a mask

“You know I’m here and you can talk to me no matter what”
Though as soon as I’m not energetic, you assume I’m being melodramatic

I will react with sarcasm and jokes, and you’ll play along
But as soon as you can tell there’s something wrong, you’ll brush it off

And it makes me miserable to know my misery is offensive
When I would much rather sit in a dimly lit corner with my hoodie strings tightened
To the point where they can be tightened no more

Another will scream “Be creative and unafraid to be yourself”
The same person will torment me with strict directions when I take their advice

They'll say:
Don’t feel,
But put in effort.
Open your ears.
Don’t hear.
Sit down.
Stand up.
Quiet down.
Speak up.
Do your best.
Keep up.
Don’t be scared to go out of line,
Follow instructions exactly.

Confused yet?
Yeah,
So am I.