Member Poem

I spend so much time thinking.
About who I am and what I want and why I said that. And if it was worth it. Even if it felt amazing.
To sting. To bite. To bruise.
There is nothing lighthearted about my remarks.
I am not light.

But I think about that too. About her. She looks exactly like me.
But she's soft, easygoing, kind.
Her shoulders are relaxed and low. She smiles easily and often.
Her jokes are good natured or self-deprecating. She smiles easily and often.
Her mistakes are life lessons.
She forgives herself easily and often.

She lets people in.
She isn’t afraid to express her sadness
Because it isn’t all consuming.
She isn’t preparing to lose everything.
All sources of comfort and stability.
She doesn’t think financial stability will save her.
She doesn’t get high to reduce her panicked thoughts. She doesn’t hoard notebooks

That she will never write in.
She doesn’t live in competition mode.
Judging herself and others by the preset conditions in her mind.

She does not imagine that she is me
Ever.