In an effort to make the National Game of the United States
more entertaining than waiting for the oven to heat,
the Official Playing Rules Committee has adopted the following changes:
When a pitcher takes his position at the start of an inning
he shall be permitted as many preparatory throws as are required
to allow the other players to update their Instagram accounts.
Each at bat shall start with bases loaded like the informal fallacy
“Have you stopped cheating in your fantasy league?”
The number of visits to the mound without a pitching change
shall be limited to the number of craft beers served in concessions.
The pitcher shall signal an intentional base on balls
to the umpire-in-chief with a four-finger salute.
The umpire-in-chief shall limit the number of continuously
fouled-off pitches to the number of PED players on the opposing team.
The 7th inning stretch shall be replaced by the 7th inning group Tweet.
Instead of rounding the bases after a homerun, a player shall
jump up and down and dance around home plate.
and after nine innings and under pain of fines, penalties
or long-term suspensions, players shall, without the slightest whiff
of remorse or satire, line up, shake hands and leave us wanting more.
--published by Cholla Needles
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