Year: 
2015

I want to apologize for all the times I shamed you or played a role in your hurt
You are spirit,  separate from your body
A powerhouse
A deep belly laugh
A heart as wide as the ocean is deep
You are not your fat
I want to apologize for assuming
 You were unneeding or unworthy of love
That your skin was tougher, thicker
Leather
Because after all, you were fat
I want to apologize for the wasted years
Yearning, longing, pining
Fadding
It's not a number
It's not a look
It's not  a claim to fame
Or a badge of shame
I've been in the inner circle and I've been down and out
Never by choice
Still was the same spirit even though my clothing and housing changed
Never satisfied
Unhappy
Sifting approval from the gaze of strangers
Nervous in my nakedness
Comfortable only when I had a bona fide reason for my largesse
Pregnancy
Pregnancy
Pregnancy
Otherwise it's ugly
Proof of avarice
Lack of self-control
So many people
Spend their lives seeking validation from others
Seeking their validation from others
Seeking validation from...
You get the picture
And it varies
That's why we have airbrushing
Photoshop
Retouch
Contour brushes
Underwire
Padded panties
Stilettos
Plastic surgery
And the prize goes to the most superficial aesthetic
Aesthetics never loved me
Never rocked me in the bowels of my grief
Never held my head while I was morning sick
Aesthetics never gave me comfort when I was afraid
Or steadied my nerves with a pat on the hand or a bracing hug
Aesthetics couldn't see beyond my imperfect exterior
To offer me the authenticity of life
Aesthetics was fickle-- wasn't there for the drool and the sweat
But fat was
Fat held me tight when my world spiraled out of control
Fat shielded me from probing eyes
Fat was solid, fat was real
Fat--unbothered by what it looked like
Unfettered by pretense
Healthy
Life changing
Life affirming
And if from dust we came and to dust we return
Shouldn't we be more consumed with what we put into our spirit?

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